Over the past few days coming towards the end of the year.
I looked around feeling the pains of all those things I thought I could do on my own.
That turned out all wrong.
Tears in my eyes so much more often then I ever wanted I won't lie.
Filthy rich according to foreign standards and a beautiful job that exercises the mind.
Yet financially destroyed after so many labored hours, because alone I did not ask for his guidance. Instead me cruising that highway bitter sweet yet striving.
For what in the end. I ask myself now holding on to God's hand.
For I am loved at a distance but without Him.
I have nothing, no one who really knows or cares who I am.
The last few days of 2009, So often the tricks of the mind almost broke me.
Wondering how I got stuck in this lie.
Digging deeper the pains feeling the failures of parent hood that had rose.
Two beautiful children one can not hold on to the need of a future, staying on that long dark road. The other I hardly see, yet conversations state he is holding his own.
Remembering when I thought I would die time and time again.
And how I would pray to Our God to just let me see that they are grown.
Then one day my prayers change to the grandchild that has come along.
Blessings from above all children are. They never ask to be here. Yet our loneliness, selfishness, need to live are given the right.
No one can ever tell you exactly what the blessing brings. As it is only from above, something so out of reach so out of sight.
I never planned my life would be where it is today.
Sure I have it going on; the surface allows me to vent all my desires all my needs.
Giving back to anyone in God's needs.
Or at least so I try to please.
Staying so busy so I don't have to think.
Yet when you are in love with someone so far out of reach.
There is nothing more you can do. But emotionally bleed.
Cut's so deep, the love just oozes in a slow painful smolder.
Just knowing they will never be your crying shoulder.
The Lord has blessed me in this life. Walking me out of darkness so many times, leaving me to choose that great divide.
I love my Lord, Jesus Christ the Father, Son and Holy Ghost.
He has my soul and will never let go.
Yet although I finally got it after so many test trials.
I go down with the best of them. Feeling what is missed in the flesh. Feeling all those things I take so personal, such as choices a child makes. Thinking about the healing and giving of life, cervical cancer, four hour heart surgery. How does my God know what to do, how does he know what is like. When will I gain is full purpose for my life. I think how stupid I have been a time or two. Knowing he has me right where I should be at least how I convince myself from loneliness blues.
I love life more then myself at times.
I love people all colors, all sizes all personalities even in these times.
I love that special someone, a man after Gods own heart. Yet to say he even notices me is truly the horse before the cart.
My family, my friends when I walk out these doors.
I can't wait for heaven where there will not even be walls anymore.
I don't know where or what tomorrow will bring.
I do know I make efforts to never let go of those whom I have been blessed with in the yesterdays, todays or even tonight's.
No matter where their heart is wrong or right.
My prayers are daily they may soon all see through God's eyes.
So no matter how sad I feel alone in time.
No matter how many tears I can't hold back when those people I love move over to the promise land. I pray as the song my strength that comes from him truly will allow me to Rise when he calls my name. That I may never give up or in; to what is temporary. No matter what it is that I am missing.
May I continue to love at a distance. And be given the spirit to acknowledge if my time is ever given. I recognize the signs so I do not miss him again.
So prayerfully I share the goodbyes to 2009. Opening to 2010 my heart, my arms and eyes.
Prayers for those who are close and so sick and I know are soon to die.
Prayers for those thinking they can get a piece of what I have in this ride, knowing it is their own fools game, wondering why they even try.
Prayers for those that are new sharing their journeys to my eyes. May their experiences bless more then a passing moment in their life.
Prayers who continually tell me to keep getting that religion. When they are so far off, may they sometime feel the peace in my relationship with Him I have been given.
Prayers for those Lord who lost what they seem to be their entire life. They partners, their careers, their everything it's just not right. May they be blessed with your new love.
May I continue to be your child Lord Jesus Christ. May I learn to accept the blessings of your beacon of light.
May I share all that is good. May Lord my hearts desires be fully handled by your site.
May you accept my thanks for all I have been blessed with and to do, for others seeing the joy on their face. May that joy expand to more then just my heart's place.
Crazy I am, I was, I will always be. Be it 2009 or 2010 I am always just me.
With all that I am, All that I was always then, always now, always me Kelly
