***Music, and/or daily scripture, verses, motivational shares pulled from public domains and made available for public consumption from public domains such as YouTube and/or BibleGateway, unless otherwise called out work of other Copywrites, Creators, Influences, Artists, or Authors. ***

Sunday, May 11, 2025

Motivational Reads / Daily Devotions from Biblegateway.com - Daily Verse

Ephesians 4:32 - ICB 32 Be kind and loving to each other. Forgive each other just as God forgave you in Christ.

Thinking Out Loud – Journal Thoughts/Prayers / Mind Maze Overflow

Well as you can see, I am still out here but so distracted from writing. It has been months since I actually felt to I was writing and today all day since I awoke at 4am have had it on my mind I needed to release some of this stuff up in my head because this mind-maze is spinning.

I am so weary of you all, yet so driven, yet so loss for projecting real life as a mother, grandmother, now great grandmother, aunt, sister, friend, group lead, senior this, lead that. The bottom line first No one ever said life and parenting would be easy. No one ever said as a parent you are guaranteed to see your children flourish and do far better in making decisions than you did, or that they will stay away from the poisons of the world, and you feel confident they will be alright.

No one ever said I would be here and now compared to who I was 30 years ago.

I will never walk away from my responsibilities and when it comes to the blessings that the great Lord above gave me in allowing me my children to make a life so I would have purpose. Good, bad or indifferent. I guess for me going through the things that shattered me in my childhood allowed me to take a stand as I was allowed to grow forward in life. With that I have always been a fighter and damned if I would allow anything or anyone control me. Trust me that was not easy, the drugs’ part no contest that is a choice, but the relationships that turned controlling and/or abusive well. When we do not understand that Love is an Action and not a feeling. Love is all encompassing and depth in equality with reasons to love who they are not what they do. But sometimes what the do becomes so harmful you have to run as fast as you can or you lose yourself and who God meant you to be and love.

I am no expert, but I absolutely was not born yesterday.

I am beyond grateful that Jesus finally got through to me and although some scars still run really deep and apparently even with those closest. I would have never known what love truly is; if it were not for falling for everything Jesus lived, suffered and died for that I know of today. And I know my knowledge is so limited in this vast universe and all there is still waiting.

I sometimes wonder how much Jesus buffers in the pain as a parent to our humanity as we as parents do when we see our children broken, lost or fighting demons while refusing to seek Christ. I have watched friends’ children die, family members die and far too much darkness for the innocence on the tv in my life. But nothing compares even when you walk with Jesus to the pain you feel when a family member struggles with the elements of depression or worse yet addictions. I learned that from my youngest over the past several months. However, that is not the reason I have been gone from singing Gods praises on paper. Or just writing to get through. I knew myself after I wanted so badly to trust and allow God to work through me for something better for them. Believing in strangers and losing my rear in helping what turned out to be a scam in 18 and 19. I had to sacrifice what was and take on a position that would take the majority of all of my mind, and time.

Do not get me wrong, I am beyond blessed that I have worked hard in my life and built a career to walk through the mountain tops and the valleys. But my time and dedication to cleaning up the mess I got myself in was my own choices.

No, I will never purpose to be grammatically correct, nor a snob or as I let anyone know that I have been blessed to have in my life a theologian. However, it drives me crazy when I work or serve next to those who purposefully make it a point to be better than anyone and everyone.

I have been blessed to in my youth did not burn up all my brain cells, in my young adult life to learn hard choices of what not to do or not want to be. And I did my best in teaching that to the blessings I call my children.

Even if sometimes I wonder what I could have done something different to make things different to the one who continues to struggle.

Here I am now giving stability to my grandchildren and blessed to have a beautiful 6-month-old great grandson. Whom I absolutely adore. Hey, I never planned 63 now, this would be my life. I remember I always dreamed of the cozy home, a life companion partner and that white fence around the house. My first home I purchased I actually built the darn white lattice fence myself.

Even though just a couple years ago while I was working out how I was going to fix the choice I made making someone I made something I truly adored an idol and allowing myself to be taken advantage of. I painted my hand outside of my 1525 sq foot house in two months. At the end of it I felt better, and the house looked great.

Of course, now I am too busy serving, running, working, wash, rinse repeat. I have no energy to think what it would look like in my mind to get started on other projects or even hire the right someone to help me.

Why, because although I know my God is a really big God and He has everything in control. As a Mamma when I lay awake at night wondering what could be different, or when that knock at the door may come, or will God truly change things around to my free spirit who is lost. I allow the energy to be sucked right out of me and I go back into survival mode. Making sure I am doing the best I can with what I get to work with to maintain employment and help raise the youngest grand and watch the gg’s boy so his mamma can finish her degree and make a life for her family.

Everybody has stuff!

There is not a soul in this universe that is not dealing with something. Mine will never be anymore or less important than the next person on God’s agenda.

The imperfections are those little growth opportunities. The signs where a grandchild tells you. Here Gramma, you need this self-care book. It started showing slowly when my fur-babies I invested in aged out and passed on, then one family member then another, then my brother 2 years ago on the 28^th of this month. Although we are all 2 years apart, we should have been twins or triplets for the bond my sister, brother and I have.

I spent years until I fell in love with Jesus purposefully never ever allowing myself to become close to anything. It would only be more hurt, trust broken and who knows those split personalities out there even a few more scars.

I am who I am, and I will never regret my choices. But thank you Jesus for allowing me to love and lean in from a distance and really learn choices matter.

Does not matter age, race, cultural geographics or anything else. For every action there is a reaction, for every choice there is that rock skipping across life’s vast lake making ripples into everything and everyone we come in contact.

Our children, friends, family loved ones or even the people, places and things.

Everything in this world is temporary and you can never take it with you when your number is up to check out.

It’s all relative while we need it for the hear and now. But it means nothing if it is not walking with the Father, Son and Holy Spirit for eternity.

Oh, I so want that hunger back where I woke craving and know calling on the name of Jesus and tuning in and just growing in him when nothing else mattered allowing us to be on fire. Instead, sometimes too much beating oneself up too much for the whispers or shouts that you did not do enough, you were stupid or even blocking everyone out because of shame or guilt that maybe trying so hard and staying focused one direction was the reasons something that matter went in another.

I remember at one point in my youth I so hated rejection, so I never put myself in positions to risk anything because of it. Here today though I do not like being called out even when it is my fault even the simplest things of looking at a text message because your kids in the hospital and your grand is texting you and you lose timing on slides for a service. Well seems at this point it is all irrelevant in the grand scheme of things. Nothing will change for the kid in the hospital but them if they make the right choices and nothing will ever make a difference for lost timing of time already gone and will never come back.

We need to truly live in the moment and spirit for all that is good, all that is love and all that is everlasting.

The world is a dangerous sandbox to play in. Always has been but now progressively worse. Guard your heart, mind, body and spirit. Never let anyone convince you that you are not enough. We, each and every soul on this planet given a body to walk the earth was made and glued together in the image of God. He loves each and every one of us despite the brainwashing, hate and atrocities we are allowed to see or be part of in this journey walking the earth. There are no do over’s We are all responsible for our own choices and if something is not working for the good, we need to change it. Sure, circle up with those that truly care and are truly known as the hands and feet of Jesus. But don’t be damned in believing you are not the owner of your own choices. You are the driver of this ride we call life. God is the fuel and all along the trip we need to remember to keep our hands and feet in and maintain our moral compass fueling up along the way.

Every single soul we are tied to is either for a lesson to give or take. Or even a refill of love, laughter and abundant moments in life. Respect yourself well enough to know everything happens for a reason, but it is not our place to waste the time we are given to try and figure out what those reasons are. If God wants, you to know now or later he will reveal what it is.

Never stop believing in greater good, and ready for impact because we are in a world of this universe shaking and crumbling all around, and we need to be ready within our soul, within our being and within the time we are given here and now.

As for me, I may at some point finish the manuscript I have been sitting on maybe not. I may start writing daily again if I can shake my own fog and really put my finger on what it is that is keeping me from what I love doing.

Well, I love everyone and the good, the bad and all the in-betweens see me coming a mile away. So, I try not to do so much any longer. Watching those I love, and the cycle of this thing called life going through it. My world is so minuscule compared to sufferings of those who do not really have that relationship with Jesus Christ yet.

It breaks my heart to see and hear so much devastation or hate in the world even more amongst those I care about.

Love those you are allowed for the time given and Thank the good Lord for allowing the sacrifice, so we have those moments. There is always something in every day to be thankful for.

For me I am nothing without the very breath that has been given as the dust we are formed. Even if at times I am reminded sadly of the lost loved one’s or hopes I know I will never suffer as much as Christ did on that cross so we could live.

I am not sure if I will ever stop trying to be a fixer. Or really listening to my own advice and stop that spiritual tug of war I too have going on sometimes. Life is what it is until it Is not. Don’t let it pass by because of what if.