If I kept a diary it may read something like this.
Dear Lord
Today is such and such a day. Nothing out of the unusual on this day.
As you know before it even occurs; my life is always a whirlwind.
My alarm went off at 4am, as I lay there and try to think of worthy words to say to you. The only thing I could get out was giving thanks for another day, asking forgiveness on all the things that I just don't get, or miss. And protection and your will for myself, my family and all those who can not protect themselves.
On this day in particular; how tired am I from the emotional, physical changes continually going on. The stress of worry for my daughter and her daughter and all that has transpired. The endless thoughts of could I have done anything different to make it turn out differently.
To the peace I have with you, knowing without the trials in life; I would not be the person I am today.
So I never picked my life in a sense. I never planned on being awaken at 10 years old from a sound sleep being raped, by my mothers friend who she entrusted me with. Losing a period of time in my life I honestly never really want to get back. I never planned being so wasted with drugs and alcohol from ages 10-16 and living through so many injuries, accidents and willful attempts to just die due to loneliness abandonment. Where everything or everyone I got close to just went away.
With much empathy Lord for all those who have been so lost in this life.
Yet on the same token. I give thanks for although years later I got it. It was you that kept me alive.
Through being abused by strangers, fed full of drugs, reckless deadly accidents, several attempts on my life. You never hardened my heart.
On this day like many others I climbed out of bed by 4:15 wandering around taking care of my pets, and pulling myself together to drive that hour ride into a place of employment. Which so many no longer have, pets that make me crazy because I only really took on 2 myself and have a houseful due to rescue efforts of others to me. Yet I am saddened because one of the 2 I raised for 13 years was let out in a brand new neighborhood and never found her way back home.
I am use to it by now I think. You know Lord something’s are just engrained in us. But the pains of things we love and care for going away no longer throws me into a self destruct mode.
Oh how foolish I was as a child, but then again what did I know. No father, and a mother always pre – occupied and gone to be working.
Living in a home in a New York State Winter with no heat, no hot water, and our favorite meals were eggs, beans and spaghetti.
How badly we thought we had it back then, and we make it our life goal to keep our own children from experiencing any of what we went through.
Yet what that does is just enable them to not appreciate and facilitate positive motivated goals for their own future.
Dear Lord on this day I felt the need to write again. As the tiredness of life has kept my head in a dust cloud the past couple days, from that whirlwind of life’s events.
So much so that I stupidly rush off in a hurry to no where, and get myself a citation for speeding. Although I am still trying to figure out how the person in front of me got pulled over too. And they were told they were going 55 and yet I was doing 60 directly behind them.
Life is so convoluted. Trust me when I say I deserve a ticket, because just the day before again I raced off to no where just because I was exhausted and needed to get home and work. Not rest but work.
Well you know how I am.
Lord I could be referring this to dear diary. But I really have no bond with a diary.
You know I have sometimes really planned things out and made choices and felt good, and some have turned out really great. When others just about destroyed me.
I wish I knew what you have in store for me. I wish I knew why as a young girl before the age of 10 I would sit in my room with records playing full blast and sing my heart out. Dreaming of someday I would have a husband, family, and a cottage with the little white picket fence.
Yet instead I have been single more then not, even though divorced twice. Giving it my best shot with those so un matched. And eventually with my home put up the white lattice fencing myself.
I am still lonely Lord. But you fill my heart and soul with your mercy, grace ,peace and love.
I have been blessed with my biological brother and sister. And your kingdom filled with beautiful people.
Where I day dream at times what it would be like to be married to a Godly man. And then I realize I need to just leave things be.
If you want me with someone you will have that person take a stand.
That although I don’t know where I am going. I know where I have been. And you have carried me through so many obstacles.
Thank you for allowing me to be your child, sister and friend.
Lord if I wrote a diary I am not sure it would be any different with the words I say day to day.
But for now thank you with all I am for your guidance, wisdom and ability to pray.
So with that bless all and keep them from dismay.
Until next time I write I will see you some day.
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