There is never enough time for people you love and care about.
And as long as these lungs of mine, suck air to sustain my life.
It will never get easy to see family and friends for brief periods of time to then have to say good bye and not know if or when you will ever see them again.
I thank God daily for every opportunity I have, just as I know that people do not come into my life for no reason.
No matter if they are good, bad or just different.
There is always something to learn and use to build memories.
I guess this is why I relate to music so often. Every song has it’s own story.
While for the most part any good song touches those parts of the story that are the living experiences you have went through or are going through.
Taking them and putting good sound and instruments to them is passion to one’s soul.
Those that keep you moving;
Those that bring tears to your eyes;
Those that make you yearn to hold on to your loved one ever so tight.
Yet the ultimate are those that trigger the love of Jesus and all that he has carried you through, when you lost sight.
These past couple weeks have been indescribable.
My grandfather died 2 weeks before my 48th birthday. In which I flew back to NY for the funeral.
This opportunity allowed me to see aunts, uncles and cousins that I have not seen some in 20 plus years.
Allowed me time with my beloved son and meeting in person the love of his life.
What a beautiful young lady she is. The Lord has placed my heart at rest knowing he is not alone through any of the trials he is to walk through. That he has a delightful caring friend at his side.
Yet at the same time, feeling the heart break seeing the pain my mother was going through, losing her father. Triggering wonderment as to what will happen with my mother. As she has filled her life with stuff to not be alone, and her entire home is packed full of just stuff, that really has no meaning.
Triggering thoughts in my own life, of how long I filled my own life with just stuff, people and actions that really just were there to fill a void and had no meaning.
Until I gave my life over to God and was reborn did I ever gain peace of mind.
But that is an entire different story line.
These past two weeks, had they occurred 10 – 15 years ago. I would not have handled any of this well or in a supportive manner. I would have been stressed and masked everything with excuses and drinking or something.
Yet so melancholy life is what it is.
I must have truly lost my mind; where else does life just happen and gets little reaction from me these days.
Instead of being sucked in, I choose to continue to look for where I can hopefully assist and bless others. I am no saint.. Just never wanting to give up my peace of mind again.
So I came back from a week in NY with little sleep, went back to work and took two more days off.
One for dental work to finish up the crowns that were way over due.
The day after to go see my once best friend, lover and what became my project to help him through. Would get me through all of the failures I was enduring at that stage of my life. We had not see each other for 12 years because of life happening.
But when it happened back then it ripped me to pieces. I was torn, hurt, angry, worried and knew I would never see him again.
Yet 12 years later we crossed paths, for us both to find we are not who we once were.
He lost everything in his self – destructive mission. Although it didn’t start out that way.
He got caught up with that whole grass is greener on the other side, and once I realized I pushed him away as far as I possibly could.
In this process the struggles with addictions and habits turned full blown and he almost lost his life. He did loss contact with everyone and lived on the streets for 2 years. Yet somehow God spared him!
During the twelve years I went through my own life happens.
Drugs, alcohol, really bad relationships. The cycle went on for some time until one day I just had enough.
Remembering a few years prior I had given my life to the Lord but just never fully acted on it and it was time.
Once I made that admission my life changed forever and I have been living for all that is good and serving for Christ where I can.
And now 13 years later not only am I blessed to see people I love dearly. But something is happening.
I do not know how to explain it, but so many people I care about are hurting, sick, dying.
Yet they are being put in my path, to share all I have. Just a few moments of my day.
Be it for coffee, a ride, just a chat, a walk, or even a few words out online.
There never really seems to be enough time in my day to do all I want to do.
And most days I feel what little I do, or say doesn’t add up to much.
But like on my birthday this year. So many people I care for made sure to send me a message, a note, a call or even little surprises of just wishing me well and blessings.
Which to me meant more then anything I could ever fill my life with that will not go with me when it is my turn to go home.
I don’t know how I feel about these past couple of weeks? Happy, sad most importantly blessed and know I need to make every moment count. Even when there will never be enough time in any day.
And that I am very thankful for these moments that I have been given. Even if there are no words to say. I am thankful
With all that I am, All that I was always then, always now, always me Kelly
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