So often we allow time to get away from us. It could be minutes, hours, days, months years. Then one day something happens. To you or someone you know or even in the world that makes a grand impact all around. And you sit back in self realization, just wondering where did time go. Hopefully you never think back with regrets. Years ago; I needed change drastically in my life.
Everything was just no longer working. Me and relationships that is. I was I guess in them because I thought that is what I needed to make it through in life.
But how could I stop being attracted to all the wrong reasons for a relationship. How could I not have myself in a way that would put me in a spot.
So here I am 7 years later; 45 pounds heavier, although I must say and I will be to the point. I did lose the heaviness of being a world-class materialistic bitch.
So those who love me for me; will argue that I was never that way. But trust me when I say.
When you are so consumed with all that matters on the outside. You tend to mistreat everything of everyone including yourself for what is really everlasting on the inside.
Although my youth started out with little to nothing. Even though I came from a large family on both my mothers family tree and half that size on my fathers family tree.
We had the normal dysfunctional family that the world seems to gravitate to.
Everyone is there for questions, answers and lots of advise and of course all the guidelines of how you should have done it.
But our family had enough to get by. There was not routine stabilization of family happiness. In fact everyone was caught up in their worlds of meism's.
Though I love everyone of my aunts and uncles to death. We did not have that traditional Godly loving sticking together kind of family.
But let me save this for another blog. You see my thoughts tonight are about relationships. And how it took stepping away from me to find me.
Grant it I still dwell on the outside sometimes. I guess because the world wants the outside package to be perfect before most times they will even try to see what is inside.
I know I do by nature. If someone looks a little off; or not what I think they should be. I keep moving so I don't have to get to know them.
Kind of like when your single and someone shows alittle interest. You have all kinds of excuses why you just don't want them to know. It is not them; but you just are not ready to take that chance of being rejected or creating bad feelings. Because it happened so many times in the past.
And women; we are the best at if we start letting ourselves go. It will save us from that area completely. Yet then who will save us from ourselves.
My life of relationships I always felt not good enough and settled for the good looking bad boys who in the end had little respect for themselves and me. I thank God every day for the day I stood up and realized what was I doing.
What was I thinking. My entire life although I might have been lonely.. I WAS NEVER ALONE.
It was then that years and litterly thousands of dollars lately. It was I that always had the career and carried everyone. So why could I not get that earlier on.
Coming from a divorced family into a single family home. I did all I could thinking I had to have a man in my life and a father for my children.
Thank you Jesus that although there were some very hard lessons. You allowed me to see soon enough to try to plant the seeds of postive growth for my adult children.
And when I say I never planned on being single, putting on weight or even sitting here blogging tonight. Life is full of surprises. I pray daily for honest, loving, morally wonderfully made Godly partners for my children to marry and do the best they can with their life. Just as I am blessed with a companion, lover, partner for the remaining time I have on earth.
Not because I am am in need of anything. I am blessed. But because God did not make us to dwell alone.
And lets face it. I love my snuggling little pets and my most beautiful grandchildren. But I am a passionate hopeless romantic, with a very strong mind of business, independence and desire to share. Where my children have their own lives, my grandchildren well they are my grandchildren. and the pets are pets.
So finding myself and realizing how quickly time has past and knowing; I do not want the rest of my time on this earth to fleet me then waking up one day realizing what could have been if I had only let it.
I love me; And it took years to be able to do that. And with that I know I will still never be all that when it comes to holding relationships. Because I have spent my life time either avoiding them or in those that I should have never had. I know the one that will carry me and last forever. Is with my Father of the stars and heavens above. Knowing my every desire; He will bless me when the time is right. But for now; it is time to know and act upon. It is okay to maintain at certain level what is on the outside. And love always love from the inside out~
