Music pulled from https://www.youtube.com/ and are free for public consumption**** Bible Verses pulled from https://www.biblegateway.com/ unless noted otherwise and are free for public consumption**** (NIV -New International Version, NKJV-New King James Version, AMP -Amplified Version, TPT-The Passion Translation)
===May Verse of the month for the Mandisa Word Warriors found @Mandisa Word Warriors (http://bit.ly/wordwarriors2020.=====
Ephesians 1:5-6 (TBT) 5–6 For it was always in his perfect plan[a] to adopt[b] us as his delightful children, through our union with Jesus, the Anointed One, so that his tremendous love that cascades over us would glorify his grace[c]—for the same love he has for his Beloved One, Jesus, he has for us. And this unfolding plan brings him great pleasure!
=====================================================
Date: 05/23/2020 Saturday
Soul Vibes and Starters (YouTube.Com)
https://youtu.be/Tel5p9VSUEc
“What You Can’t See is More Powerful Than You Think” @Lion of Judah
https://youtu.be/drkqqCy8emM
“Unfinished” @Mandisa
https://youtu.be/7TzB4FaPODc
“Anchor” @Skillet
https://www.facebook.com/newlifeccspringhill/videos/877754309389146/
“Meditation Moments” @Pastor Al New Life Christian Church
https://youtu.be/srGIp4LO-XM
“Never Alone” @Tori Kelly
Daily Journal/Thoughts/ Prayers (my
perspectives and/or feelings):
Yes, Lord up long before I wanted to be this morning. Saturday and a holiday weekend. Like I am not going anywhere anyway. As I remain staying safe while waiting for some sort of new normalcy to setup.
Finding myself working more on this shelter you have given me; I started to mow. Only to find the deep grass was too much for my push mower and killed the battery quick and because it stays so hot the year-old battery in the riding mower needed to be charged as well.
So, after getting the majority of the tight spots with the push I am back inside cooling down while I get some juice to groom this yard. More importantly keeping it clean to prevent the snakes that like to come hang out.
Putting my old glory T shirt on this morning and feeling very thankful that we live in a country where for now and all my life that I have had so far. We have been blessed with freedoms at the sacrifice of those who I will never know.
Be it freedom of speech, even when we say things that destroy and leave negative impacts to breed. Freedom of look so we can mow in our jeans and T’s or whatever others choose. Most importantly I give thanks for the freedom of choices that God allows and allows those who serve our humanity without even thinking twice. Our military, our first responders, our essential workers.
Yes, we all need to do something so we can have some sort of a life in this capitalistic world. No, I am not saying that with contempt. I will take this world to live a million times over those that are run where humanity is just slaves and experiments for the sick minds that drive their power.
I do vote; I do not do politics so I will not elaborate on it or my research or choices when the time comes.
I have one leader and remain obedient and try my best to stay in the lane. Although I can remember the days as a kid when me and all my friends would be roaming the streets in Albany NY and jump the fence to the Boys club to jump in their pool. Or even in the middle of winter going up to the graveyard and camping out all night spooking each other.
Always finding an adventure to keep occupied. Even as we all got older and found ourselves pounding down bottles of Jack Daniels or Vodka and just being stupid.
My has time changed and the story of being a kid without guidance and value could go on and on. But the thing is. It is God that looked out for all of us when we had no clue to look out for ourselves.
He allowed me to be in a country where although we still do not get it right and have limited people who really walk with Jesus daily. To still be blessed and giving those who step out and step up to protect our freedoms and allow us to openly worship and speak with and to and for Him.
Thank you, Jesus, for your willingly going the cross. Thank you to all the military who have given their lives so we could live. My friends, my family members and all those I will never know.
So as I cool down waiting for things to charge up; knowing how peaceful it is to put on my favorite worship music and fall asleep at night filled with so much peace; or wake up early and have family that turns me on to TikTok before I am ready to get up and get moving. I am blessed.
Lifting praise and thanks to the one who allows it all! Lifting in prayer for healing all those I have known and may come to know. That are lost and lonely; those that I have had to help rescue and get help in the past because being alone drove them into a madness.
I pray I never become that soul as I over the years have had my depressions and growth. I know I could not as I am aware of where my help and love comes from.
But it makes me question this morning how someone gets there in that situation.
I pray every soul that I am blessed to be connected approaches each new day with a deep desire to meet you Jesus; right where they are. Good, bad, or indifferent! I pray we all are blessed to forever know you Jesus will never abandon us; that we are never on our own. Even when we feel so.
I pray that those times when I just want to feel the love from the inside out deep in these veins, I can someday feel from the outside in with the one!
I pray until then I never stay down, or anyone stays down when they stumble and find themselves face down. I pray that we always take those opportunities and pray and find your word, your grace your direction Jesus. Taking all the strength and courage that gets us back up to move forward in and with the God of this universe and knowing in Christ alone we can do all things and everything else even the lessons and how to brush the dust off. Has greater meaning and purpose in His time alone.
As I am blessed to know all those dreams years ago and that I needed to get out of NY to find myself reminiscing and thankful even if my family is all back there. That I can walk out of my shelter and work in a yard and not worry about being trapped because of the virus that plagues us in this world.
I am blessed to know God is not done yet. That despite those that toy with me or stress me out. Because I want more for what I envision.
Even without a loving available family I grew up knowing what respect for self and others was. Unfortunately, we can never force anyone to absorb, and live with it or even demand it.
The new normal is upon us. Just knowing I went from serving somehow, somewhere seven days a week to now I do one kids bible study zoom class weekly.
That my church currently is planning to open but I will not be able to attend because I cannot serve and not have any where for my sidekick to be much less be tapped in and learn.
Unfortunately, I cannot just leave her with someone else; and she does not know how to sit without being put at risk. Or putting others at risk.
So, what is it that will come that will start feeding this spirit again? Not sure, something is coming. I have to be around others, I have to worship. Or I will become this person in the invisible bubble slowly dying.
It is not the fact I am not connected and dedicated. I am tapped in; but it is not the same as being with the body of Christ or with someone and worshiping giving praise for all Christ has done. I am beyond grateful I am connected to my brothers and sisters in Christ that share Gods love through their time and talents. From virtual worship to virtual dance parties. God has this beyond control. And to know I am not alone is a blessing in itself.
Crazy. Cause I can stay busy. There will always be plenty to do when you buy a home for others to live in so they can have stability and they just come and go without a care in the world.
I do not need to do this anymore. I have been so dead set to always be responsible and never let my blessings be tossed aside as pretty much we were as kids. And no, it’s not what some immediately think.
I will never make excuses for the parents that spawned me. But no one knows what anyone is going through until they go through it themselves. You cannot take a 15-year-old kid and expect them to be married have kids and know what the heck it means to work together. I do not know why my mother and the dad I only knew split. Or the brokenness they both had to deal with. Leaving my brother, sister, and I as collateral damage.
We are never where we have been and we are never what others have done to us, period!
WE ALL get to choose what we will do with each new day and each new task, each new connection.
I choose to want love and I chased it for most of my life through all the scars. Until I fell in love with Jesus, and then who I am in His eyes.
I made the choice to do whatever it takes to fight forward and remain responsible with and for my own children. I chose to step in when my child cannot find the same strength and ambitions and fell apart when her world did not work the way she thought it should. I choose to shelter other family members for stability until I do no longer.
This here and now like everything else in this world is not forever. All that we have all that we do all that we allow is temporary.
At some point we have to be thankful for the littlest of blessings to that which bring us to our knees in unbelief.
Always giving everything to the one that gives us air our lungs. Jesus allows us to live free and heal from all we never talk about.
I will never be an expert on relationships; but I do know; you have to be willing to work at it together no matter what type of relationship it is. Be it business, pleasure, or your intimate partner.
You cannot constantly call out all that everyone does wrong nor should you constantly have to always prove what they are doing right.
You have to want to 110% be part of the world they are in as they need to be for you. You cannot force anyone to love you. You cannot ignore when you know that things are just not what you would like them to be. You can absolutely never ignore that who you are in front the person is not who you are when they leave.
Anyway, that is an entirely different topic and the bottom-line truth, morality, openness through Christ allowing love to transcend through all obstacles together. That deep desire and adoration is never enough in a one-sided relationship.
In fact, it is the best way to be crushed and never know what will come next to never communicate and live on assumption.
For all you singles out there; stop looking for love in all the wrong places. Yes, it gets lonely to not share laughter, and fun with that special someone. But stop setting yourself up.
Allowing predators of the dark how to find you and use you and whatever they can get from you up. We are never alone unless we choose to shut God out. And the only way to allow God in every moment of every day is building that relationship with Jesus Christ.
So, this mind maze is trying to find its way out of this flow taking some twists and turns. Getting back to going out and doing busy work.
So, what I can say; is we all get to choose! We all have the ability to control what we allow in our minds and drive our spirits. None of us are alone unless we choose to be. Yes, there are some that are chemically imbalanced that God allowed created just as they are.
Yes, you will rub up against the good the bad and what you do not know. But as long as God allows you up another day; start your days and end your nights with the Prince of Peace, Jesus Christ! Call upon God for everything and listen and watch.
Through the seasons, through the moments or through that which is forever locked in your soul blessed by Christ.
You, we are worth more than what this world will ever give or take. More than a pandemic that has changed the world for everyone. More than the evil that lurks around any corner. More than any broken spirit or broken object including our own vessels.
Love yourself through and with Jesus. Shine the lights brightly of Love hoping in the promise of all His beauty. And protect yourself and those you have been given with all you have.
God please heal those in need, protect all of us even from ourselves. Thank you for each new day and even the ripples I feel when worldly things get the best of me.
Bless all you call your own to help others who need and want you.
In your mighty precious name thank you Jesus for me.
Meditation Opportunities (Biblegateway.com): (NIV -New International Version, NKJV-New King James Version, AMP -Amplified Version, TBT-The Passion Translation)
Colossians 2:2-3 (NIV) 2 My goal is that they may be encouraged in heart and united in
love, so that they may have the full riches of complete understanding, in order
that they may know the mystery of God, namely, Christ, 3 in
whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge.
Isaiah 33:6 (NIV) 6 He will be the sure
foundation for your times,
a rich store of salvation and wisdom and knowledge;
the fear of the Lord is the key to this treasure.[a]
a rich store of salvation and wisdom and knowledge;
the fear of the Lord is the key to this treasure.[a]
Malachi 4:2 (NIV) 2 But
for you who revere my name, the sun of righteousness
will rise with healing in its rays. And you will go out and frolic
like well-fed calves.
========================================
Date: 05/22/2020 Friday
https://youtu.be/hnjoHClaY4g “Jesus You’re the Wine” @RICHLIN
Thank you for all of it Jesus!
The ups, downs, and all arounds. Blessed to have place to sleep, a roof of my head, water to shower with, dirty floors from the pets running wild and no one living up to the responsibility of bringing them in and I cannot keep up to be immaculate; all I am given is absolutely full of life.
I could dwell on all that I am weary from, keeping up with four others and all the nonsense. Or I can just breathe knowing how loved and blessed I am.
I could dwell on these years gone by and the lack of respect and appreciation that really has left its marks. Especially when simple things matter and most days, where some cannot even control their foul mouth.
I could hold on and grumble on today’s or the past; I could freak out when I walk into a room to see doors left open all night. I could walk around frustrated, and angry letting the day turn into night and never having peace.
Where will I be if I spend my time consumed by what others just cannot grasp.
Never will I be a doormat or turn this head. Say my piece too often I am afraid. Rules laid out, with love changes in the wind that must come.
Perhaps that is one good thing about this shelter in place Jesus. I spent my time always out serving others; maybe so I would not have to put my foot down and give ultimatums.
But after weeks of being in place and seeing for some it does not matter if I stay or go. It is time we all stand tall and accountable for our own actions, words, and deeds.
Learning to run into your arms Father for all things good, bad, or indifferent.
Not that I was not running and refusing to get off your lap Jesus in the first place. Just more clarity and understanding what matters and what should not. #LetItHurt #LetItGo #LetItHeal
It has been a long time since I have really seen you like this again. https://youtu.be/Y-qZW4yu5gA “See You Again” @Charlie Puth
I am thankful to know every day I am never alone. https://youtu.be/cH3-diCOUyI “On Your Own” @TobyMac (Separate Altogether)
The many years looking back running on empty, https://youtu.be/lFQKvtbD6Kw “Running On Empty” @Jackson Browne looking back on all the good all the bad.
I am not sure if I will ever see the souls, I once was connected that moved on.
However, I pray they have found peace and are with you Lord. Although I know many will not be.
For me is not to worry or judge; they had the chance just as I was given. I cannot stick around and dwell on what others choose.
I can only do my best with what I am given, reflecting your light anywhere I can. https://youtu.be/d17hi1s6Tgg “Lights Shine Bright” @TobyMac ft. Hollyn
Even there I fall short but that will not stop me from trying to just be me, and not be consumed by what this world and all it throws at us. https://youtu.be/lmORsa7gNBQ “Consumed” @Jesus Culture
Ultimately a challenge to just exist at moments. The world fills us and with those in it that love to take more than they give; and although I genuinely believe it is better to give than receive there are limitations that we all reach at some point in our journey.
Lord, you took the cup so we would not have to.
So, we could choose, so we could drink from your cup of life. https://youtu.be/Riup1vzVnDQ “Royal Blood” @RICHLIN
You are the wine that flows in the veins pumping through the hearts and souls that open the door to and with you.
Thank you for allowing me to beat this hard head against the wall for so long until one day I heard your knocking at the door and let you in with arms wide open. https://youtu.be/ncEvD6xQtHY “Arms Wide Open” @Hillsong United
Take this heart in purity, guarding my soul Jesus! Protect all that I am or ever can be in you for you and the humanity you designed; not that the world accepts and changes up whenever something does not meet their needs.
If I must be invisible, so be it. Protect us from the darkness, vultures and thieves that come to rob, and steal all that is good, pure, and meaningful for their own personal entertainment, games, and selfishness. Protect all your children and all they are connected. No matter what that looks like Abba!
I am yours and you are mine. No desire or dreams will ever change that.
Forgiveness Lord: Please forgive me for all that I have offended others with or by. Forgive all those that have and will hurt me. In any way, shape, or form. May we learn to live with forgiveness in Your love. https://youtu.be/S30TRIIC2b8 “Forgiveness” @David Nail
I cannot lie, it is hard to see the future, for what was is no more; and what will be is in the hands of Jesus.
Love in abundance. In purity, truth, and wisdom that only that which can bring. Life, Laughter and Happiness in all that is with you Jesus Christ. For my life is not mine. I gave it to you so long ago.
Show me, how to be your servant, how to love and where to go! Bless all I am connected no matter what that looks like. In pain, in sorrow, in healing or just making sure they know who you are.
Forever your child, forever your bride. Forever in love with the dreams and that of the soul deep inside. No where to run, no where to hide. You forever will be all I cannot.
You forever are the keeper that blesses me for everything I got.
Thank you for this day, and all that is to come. Thank you for the moment I learned I was never alone, and you are the one!
Thank you for allowing me to know you and for finding me. Thank you for all others who allow you in that feed this being.
Guide and protect us from others and ourselves. Thank you for allowing us to believe and know You Jesus, will never be done for or with us!
For those who accept your blessings in truth, love, mercy, and grace change without even trying when we dive into you Lord. Like those held in prison ; we are released from our own jailers be it greed, doubt, insecurities, brokenness, hate, hurts, and all what only you know.
1 Peter 5:6 (NIV) 6 Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty
hand, that he may lift you up in due time.
Soul Vibes and Starters (YouTube.Com)
Daily Journal/Thoughts/ Prayers (my
perspectives and/or feelings):
Thank you for all of it Jesus!
The ups, downs, and all arounds. Blessed to have place to sleep, a roof of my head, water to shower with, dirty floors from the pets running wild and no one living up to the responsibility of bringing them in and I cannot keep up to be immaculate; all I am given is absolutely full of life.
I could dwell on all that I am weary from, keeping up with four others and all the nonsense. Or I can just breathe knowing how loved and blessed I am.
I could dwell on these years gone by and the lack of respect and appreciation that really has left its marks. Especially when simple things matter and most days, where some cannot even control their foul mouth.
I could hold on and grumble on today’s or the past; I could freak out when I walk into a room to see doors left open all night. I could walk around frustrated, and angry letting the day turn into night and never having peace.
Where will I be if I spend my time consumed by what others just cannot grasp.
Never will I be a doormat or turn this head. Say my piece too often I am afraid. Rules laid out, with love changes in the wind that must come.
Perhaps that is one good thing about this shelter in place Jesus. I spent my time always out serving others; maybe so I would not have to put my foot down and give ultimatums.
But after weeks of being in place and seeing for some it does not matter if I stay or go. It is time we all stand tall and accountable for our own actions, words, and deeds.
Learning to run into your arms Father for all things good, bad, or indifferent.
Not that I was not running and refusing to get off your lap Jesus in the first place. Just more clarity and understanding what matters and what should not. #LetItHurt #LetItGo #LetItHeal
It has been a long time since I have really seen you like this again. https://youtu.be/Y-qZW4yu5gA “See You Again” @Charlie Puth
I am thankful to know every day I am never alone. https://youtu.be/cH3-diCOUyI “On Your Own” @TobyMac (Separate Altogether)
The many years looking back running on empty, https://youtu.be/lFQKvtbD6Kw “Running On Empty” @Jackson Browne looking back on all the good all the bad.
I am not sure if I will ever see the souls, I once was connected that moved on.
However, I pray they have found peace and are with you Lord. Although I know many will not be.
For me is not to worry or judge; they had the chance just as I was given. I cannot stick around and dwell on what others choose.
I can only do my best with what I am given, reflecting your light anywhere I can. https://youtu.be/d17hi1s6Tgg “Lights Shine Bright” @TobyMac ft. Hollyn
Even there I fall short but that will not stop me from trying to just be me, and not be consumed by what this world and all it throws at us. https://youtu.be/lmORsa7gNBQ “Consumed” @Jesus Culture
Ultimately a challenge to just exist at moments. The world fills us and with those in it that love to take more than they give; and although I genuinely believe it is better to give than receive there are limitations that we all reach at some point in our journey.
Lord, you took the cup so we would not have to.
So, we could choose, so we could drink from your cup of life. https://youtu.be/Riup1vzVnDQ “Royal Blood” @RICHLIN
You are the wine that flows in the veins pumping through the hearts and souls that open the door to and with you.
Thank you for allowing me to beat this hard head against the wall for so long until one day I heard your knocking at the door and let you in with arms wide open. https://youtu.be/ncEvD6xQtHY “Arms Wide Open” @Hillsong United
Take this heart in purity, guarding my soul Jesus! Protect all that I am or ever can be in you for you and the humanity you designed; not that the world accepts and changes up whenever something does not meet their needs.
If I must be invisible, so be it. Protect us from the darkness, vultures and thieves that come to rob, and steal all that is good, pure, and meaningful for their own personal entertainment, games, and selfishness. Protect all your children and all they are connected. No matter what that looks like Abba!
I am yours and you are mine. No desire or dreams will ever change that.
Forgiveness Lord: Please forgive me for all that I have offended others with or by. Forgive all those that have and will hurt me. In any way, shape, or form. May we learn to live with forgiveness in Your love. https://youtu.be/S30TRIIC2b8 “Forgiveness” @David Nail
I cannot lie, it is hard to see the future, for what was is no more; and what will be is in the hands of Jesus.
Love in abundance. In purity, truth, and wisdom that only that which can bring. Life, Laughter and Happiness in all that is with you Jesus Christ. For my life is not mine. I gave it to you so long ago.
Show me, how to be your servant, how to love and where to go! Bless all I am connected no matter what that looks like. In pain, in sorrow, in healing or just making sure they know who you are.
Forever your child, forever your bride. Forever in love with the dreams and that of the soul deep inside. No where to run, no where to hide. You forever will be all I cannot.
You forever are the keeper that blesses me for everything I got.
Thank you for this day, and all that is to come. Thank you for the moment I learned I was never alone, and you are the one!
Thank you for allowing me to know you and for finding me. Thank you for all others who allow you in that feed this being.
Guide and protect us from others and ourselves. Thank you for allowing us to believe and know You Jesus, will never be done for or with us!
For those who accept your blessings in truth, love, mercy, and grace change without even trying when we dive into you Lord. Like those held in prison ; we are released from our own jailers be it greed, doubt, insecurities, brokenness, hate, hurts, and all what only you know.
Meditation Opportunities (Biblegateway.com): (NIV -New International Version, NKJV-New King James Version, AMP -Amplified Version, TBT-The Passion Translation)
Galatians 5:13 (NIV) Life by the Spirit
13 You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But
do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh[a]; rather, serve one another humbly in
love.
John 14:6 (NIV)2 6 Jesus
answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father
except through me.
Acts 16:34-36 (NIV) 34 The jailer brought them into his house and set a meal
before them; he was filled with joy because he had come to believe in God—he
and his whole household.
35 When it was daylight, the magistrates sent their
officers to the jailer with the order: “Release those men.” 36 The
jailer told Paul, “The magistrates have ordered that you and Silas be released.
Now you can leave. Go in peace.”
Bring me to the place Lord and show me what to do~
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Soul Vibes and Starters (YouTube.Com)
Meditation Opportunities (Biblegateway.com): (NIV -New International Version, NKJV-New King James Version, AMP -Amplified Version,
TBT-The Passion Translation)
Ecclesiastes 4:12(NIV) 12 Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.
Revelation 4:8 (NIV) 8 Each of the four living creatures had six wings and was covered with eyes all around, even under its wings. Day and night they never stop saying: “‘Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty,’[a]who was, and is, and is to come.”
Isaiah 6:2-3 (NIV) 2 Above
him were seraphim, each with six wings: With two wings they covered their
faces, with two they covered their feet, and with two they were flying. 3 And
they were calling to one another: “Holy,
holy, holy is the Lord Almighty; the whole earth is full of his glory.”
1 John 1:5 (NIV) Light and Darkness, Sin and Forgiveness
5 This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all.
1 Corinthians 1:10 (NIV) A Church Divided Over Leaders
10 I
appeal to you, brothers and sisters,[a] in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that
all of you agree with one another in what you say and that there be no divisions
among you, but that you be perfectly united in mind and thought.
Daily Journal/Thoughts/ Prayers (my
perspectives and/or feelings):
Lord thank you
for this new day.
Something about
Thursdays lately I have such a hard time to wake up and just take off running. But our bodies will always let us know when
to just be still if we do not take that time purposefully.
Wow reading my
first devotional this morning was like telling my portions of my own story.
Abandoned and clinging to the ability to just survive from as long as I can remember,
even through growing up and getting into relationships, having children and marriage
and divorce. Finding myself always on my
own independence learning how to survive and not get hurt along the way trying
to make a way for myself and family. Independence even today with that big wall
blocking out any danger with that explosive just waiting for the pin to be
released called Trust!
You do not know
what you do not know for sure!
Taking all the
battle scars accumulated by trying to believe the best in everyone along the
way. Or more like I got this no matter
what they do it is not me. They cannot
do anything to me if I keep my distance.
For the most
part that had been so true; while I was working hard and building a future for
me and the blessings of children I was given.
However, all those scars climbing the ladder of survival. The wall of broken trust towards humanity
went with it.
I am so beyond
grateful Jesus that even before I knew you, I always believed in God.
You God, never gave up on me.
You God, never gave up on me.
Somehow there
was just a trust in you God even though I never knew who you were, without even question.
Then came you Jesus! Then came you.
Then came you Jesus! Then came you.
Allowing me to
learn day to day and how to trust and what matters and what does not.
Even If; Even When!
Even If; Even When!
Transparency is
clear.
Seeking Clarity this year as to why do I do the things I do not want to do any longer; or even handle the things that you drive me through Lord.
Even when I have a totally different result or ending in mind and well; things just do not go the way I vision. More importantly learning to deal with it.
Never will I stop caring about even those that I should not. No matter what I have been through or done in this lifetime. I am blessed to be me Jesus. No matter what I do not trust; I will never stop loving people and wanting to see the best in them. Avoid them maybe for sure. But never do I ever want my heart to harden.
Seeking Clarity this year as to why do I do the things I do not want to do any longer; or even handle the things that you drive me through Lord.
Even when I have a totally different result or ending in mind and well; things just do not go the way I vision. More importantly learning to deal with it.
Never will I stop caring about even those that I should not. No matter what I have been through or done in this lifetime. I am blessed to be me Jesus. No matter what I do not trust; I will never stop loving people and wanting to see the best in them. Avoid them maybe for sure. But never do I ever want my heart to harden.
You have been teaching me every day I am allowed up.
What I am learning and have come to know, is instead of holding the pain and taking things personal every time someone or something is not what they pretend to be.
What I am learning and have come to know, is instead of holding the pain and taking things personal every time someone or something is not what they pretend to be.
What I have learned
is trusting in you alone always is the saving grace that allows me not to crumble
in this world at times.
I may pull back
and hide behind this wall of protection.
Clearly knowing even, myself; everyone always has their own personal
agenda.
Do I have
desires and dreams that should never even been a question?
I have never been one to just live life on the wings of what everyone else does. I have never been that one-night stand girl and although like to get dressed up and feel beautiful; never been one to be acknowledged for what is on the outside.
I have never been one to just live life on the wings of what everyone else does. I have never been that one-night stand girl and although like to get dressed up and feel beautiful; never been one to be acknowledged for what is on the outside.
In fact, I detest how people look at people
like they are some kind of prime rib or fatty chicken.
Like a piece of meat and when they get their jaws into them and are done just toss people and relationships away like scraps no longer wanted.
Like a piece of meat and when they get their jaws into them and are done just toss people and relationships away like scraps no longer wanted.
When you come up
in years on your own you learn how people really can be. When you find those souls that truly just
love you for you, with no agenda. Always
straight and ready to just be there.
Hold on to them!
When it comes
to getting into a new relationship, married having that lifetime
companion. I have always wanted my forever. Unfortunately married and divorced before
ever coming an immersed believer.
Since I have been walking my walk with Christ as a bride of Christ; it
is what it is.
I absolutely refuse
to go through just doing the motions. I have already lived through life and having what I always swore forever, not work
out. I never, ever want to just go through the motions ever settling, or ever chance losing the blessings I have been given.
When the day
comes that God says this one will never leave you, cheat on you, lie to you, or
hurt you. As they love me more than they
love life itself and know my commands. Well
then perhaps I will have that opportunity to live, love and laugh again with a
lifetime companion.
Loving someone
for who they are, not what they do, not what they have. And absolutely not
falling into one sided relationship ever again. Where as long as I am the giver, they will
always be the taker until nothing is left to take and they will then move on to
whatever it is they are chasing.
Am I shortchanging
myself with this thought process? Maybe
it seems that way. But I know me; I would do and give
anything. But the first time someone
truly lies to me and I find out I shut down and I am done. I cannot allow that type of a relationship
to transpire even for a minute.
So, I do not believe what God has established for me and my thinking is anything but remaining pure in thought, and actions.
Besides, I have been blessed to truly find myself and what I mean through the eyes of Christ.
I am good until I am not just stealing my hugs from my brothers in Christ as I walk in to serve my church and community. It may be simple and I am find with that, besides it has kept me safe.
Besides, I have been blessed to truly find myself and what I mean through the eyes of Christ.
I am good until I am not just stealing my hugs from my brothers in Christ as I walk in to serve my church and community. It may be simple and I am find with that, besides it has kept me safe.
Trust is earned. When someone disregards respect, loyalty and not respecting you enough to violate trust within any connections.
Well I can say God has changed me for the better.
I have always been trust no one.
If you cannot trust yourself how can you rust anyone else?
Or, even; I trust you as much as I can throw you and if I cannot pick you up. Guess what.
Thankfully God has been teaching me to let go of that old way of thinking and trust him alone first and foremost. Well I can say God has changed me for the better.
I have always been trust no one.
If you cannot trust yourself how can you rust anyone else?
Or, even; I trust you as much as I can throw you and if I cannot pick you up. Guess what.
Showing me what to hold onto and add to that wall or what to let go and let God. #LetItHurt, #LetItGo and #LetItHeal.
That old way of thinking is done; I do not even want to go there.
What I can say is the fact that if IT, and It can be anything. If it is not real, if it is not truth. I do not want anything to do with it. Show Me is all I can say. Show me and I am sure I will melt.
What I can say is the fact that if IT, and It can be anything. If it is not real, if it is not truth. I do not want anything to do with it. Show Me is all I can say. Show me and I am sure I will melt.
So, Lord I
trust in you because you have shown me beyond my years, my time and my brokenness.
Every day you allow me up; you allow me
something new, something more and for this I am forever grateful.
Thank you for
this day.
=========================
Date: 05/20/2020 Wednesday
Soul Vibes and Starters (YouTube.Com)
https://youtu.be/CXBiYFoHsOg “Sanctified” @Nine Inch Nails
https://youtu.be/D-zk-E55dRk “Revelation Song” @Kari Jobe
https://youtu.be/DuZPOVFcFJ4 “Confidence” @Sanctus Real
Daily Journal/Thoughts/ Prayers (my
perspectives and/or feelings):
Is it not with a
badge of love and affection we give to each other that repeats the same pains
that betrayed Jesus Christ?
The hug or kiss
as we share the most personal moments, words and intimacy by those we are allowed
to connect; only later to experience hurts, bad habits and hang-ups the world
has created.
Be it the
betrayal of those closest to us, or the spin watching those we care deeply
suffering as they cannot reach out or reach up by their own demons not allowing
their path back to Jesus who took on all sin of this world, to the cross; so
that we in humanity would get to choose when He knocks we invite Him in to walk
in mercy, grace and reflect His truth and love.
So why Lord the
same lights we claim to have shining so dim?
Why Lord are good people falling short in not
seeing the broken reflection of the being in the mirror. Unable to forgive, forget, or even stop
purposing to walk around in humanity so lost.
Why can we say
we love and believe in your Son with abundance Lord; while we reflect so much
contempt and hatred of what is not like us?
Hate, anger,
racism, Pius haughty souls that pick and choose who and what clique they will amplify.
Lord how could
you ever be pleased and at the end say well done good and faithful servant?
We one little
speck to be fitted in this huge life puzzle.
As we are only concerned with right where we are and sometimes if we
feel the notion the edges that will rub up against others in this canvas.
Oh, I can imagine
why the heavenlies rumble.
Jesus, may we
never forget where we came from and always purpose to grow forward finding, your
will. Learning how to forgive and work in
unity even as the demons scream so loudly, with distractions and lies. May we no matter what always seek you first. Making your will, your way, your love first. No matter if we stand with many or
alone. Tears or fears. May it always be you that washes over us and
purifies all that we are and are connected.
Romans
15:5-6 (NIV) 5 May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you the
same attitude of mind toward each other that Christ Jesus had, 6 so that with one mind and one voice you may glorify the God and
Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.
As we are
walked through the nicest parts of Hell, the demons lies, and whispers say we
are justified in all we do without you Chris.
Never without you
Lord will we ever be purified! Blessing,
Honor and strength to you the only wise King Jesus Christ, who was, who is and
is to come. You are my everything
Jesus.
Thank you for
never stop knocking Lord. Thank you for
not allowing the demons that held me so tight in my past, never keep you from
reaching through all there was, is and is to come.
I so pray all
my blood, my connections, those I have not yet come to know. Find your blessings, love, and forgiveness
that you have allowed this soul.
Even when I
falter, trip up and sometimes faceplant thinking I got this. I hear you and all of sudden look up and say
what is this? This is not what I was
seeing when I heard you and held so many meetings with you Lord.
I know no
matter what; you love me anyway. Despite
my weak childlike mind, dreaming and thinking
like a babe that only gets the milk.
As you call out; Are You Ready? Are you ready to dive in and swim against the
currents and storms of life just to be with me?
For Jesus Christ
is the blood that flows through your veins, the air in your lungs and the raft
that will carry your vessel to places you have never dreamed.
You have seen,
you have heard, you have tasted, you have felt the pains. Yet here you stand, still filled with love
and deep peace knowing even if today this vessel is no more, forever your soul
rests in eternal love.
Lord no matter what this mind maze has twisting and turning or even if I understand why. I need you! https://youtu.be/7hiN_R2Kd3g “I Need You More” @(Jesus Culture)@CHC //Renata Triani
Jesus, why does it matter so much in this worldly place, the color of our skin, the way we look, what we have what we do not. Why is it we chase fame, fortune and all that will be taken away, be lost, or even tossed out in the end.
Yes, we may get written about, talked about for many years to come. But why Father must we always chase the toys and temporal the demons shake noisily? Are we like kittens chasing that string dangled in front of us?
As a kid in the city growing up when the time of racial unsettling took place and how it was the upper end of the city against the lower end. And all that got twisted from the middle.
How long will all the unsettled be. Why can we not banish true evil Jesus.
Like a kid in my eighth-grade history class. And me asking if money has caused so much grief why is it the world does not change that. Why must we be a capitalistic society. While everyone looked at me as I had two heads, all Mr. Kapp could say is there is no answer for that.
Gullible back in the day trying to grow up and even at times more than not that I care to remember still. Wondering, believing, and hoping in people, places and things that just sometimes do not exist.
I am who I am Lord, and I thank you through it all for allowing me to grow through the process and learn day by day that I will never stop needing you. Beyond thankful that you allowed me to find you and find pieces of me over time.
Broken, scattered strategically placed in actions, words, and deeds, to and for others.
No matter who
gets it, finds something good from anything I tap out. You Jesus have allowed me to maintain my
sanity over this journey by scribbling out, tapping out and even sometime
reaching out.
Thank you for
all that I have been allowed. I believe even though I may never fully
understand. You are the God of
Miracles! Doing the impossible for all
those who accept you, making us whole. https://youtu.be/pV6-QqitjOc
“Miracles” @Jeremy Riddle and Stefany Gretzinger |Bethel Music
Jesus if there is not but one thing any of us in this
world can come to terms with; please let it be making the connection with you. Allowing you in the depths of who we can ever
be. For whatever days we have on this
planet and always keeping you locked deep inside shining outward. For
all who is and is to come.
Thank you for this new day and whatever is to come. Together or alone. Guide me through allowing me to speak no evil,
do no evil, hear no evil. Yet stepping up
and banishing if evil comes into the space you allow me.
Many Father will not understand; but I know you hear this
heart. You know everything about the journey
I have been on; all who I am forever grateful for. All whom feed this spirit for your reflection,
and truth.
Just as you teach me in that gullible way and hard life
lessons as why cannot people just help each other; why is money so important if
it causes so many troubles.
Lord Here I Am at the foot of your cross praying for you
Daddy to please never leave me; please do not leave me in eternity as I have
been left in this cold world. As you
hold me ever so close wiping the tears that have been cried a lifetime.
For all who condemn, and judge those who look different,
those who not by choice were given different circumstances, those even today
still going hungry, going without heat in those freezing cold NY State winter
days and nights. Those without heat and
hot water, those who have no protection from the elements and the evil doers
that the demons have taken over.
May we all stand up and fight the Elements in Christ, with Christ and for Christ and know with God
all things are possible. https://youtu.be/-hDJNGK0MiQ “The
Elements” @TobyMac ft. Ledger
So, bend but do
not break as we will some day see the true light that will never fade. https://youtu.be/6X7KiTh2f_4
“See
The Light” @TobyMac
As we will never
be on our own. https://youtu.be/BtDgPPvUjmI
“On Your Own” @TobyMac |Diverse City
Band| The Lost Demos
Lord thank you for all the days given; may we come to you
and allow you to light the way through all you have called chosen. May we in unity work together for the greater
good of humanity and be selfless as you were.
May we run towards the light seeking your will and all that will fill us
with the deep joy and peace even when things can become so very dark and downright
scary in this world.
May we never feel alone; even when we find ourselves
feeling lonely. May your children
become your soul and spirit warriors for the innocent and those who cannot speak
up for themselves.
May healing wash over all of us; and we know It Is You
alone Jesus who poured out your blood to wash us clean. We will all dance together in the holy
places of your universe alone.
Be with us all; and torment, crushing all that is evil
sending it back to where it belongs.
For I am not a
warrior, and oh so very afraid to lose.
Jesus fill me to do what you call me do.
Fill all I am connected protecting, guiding your will through us all.
In your mighty and precious name. Thank you, Jesus!
Meditation Opportunities (Biblegateway.com): (NIV -New International Version, NKJV-New King James Version, AMP -Amplified Version, TBT-The Passion Translation)
Ephesians 2:8-9 (NIV) 8 For it is by
grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is
the gift of God— 9 not
by works, so that no one can boast.
1 John 1:7 (NIV) 7 But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all[a] sin.
Isaiah 61:10 (NIV) 10 I delight greatly in the Lord;
my soul rejoices in my God.
For he has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of his righteousness,
as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.
For he has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of his righteousness,
as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.
John 8:12 (NIV) Dispute Over Jesus’ Testimony
12 When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never
walk in darkness but will have the light of life.”
===========================
Date: 05/19/2020 Tuesday
Soul Vibes and Starters (YouTube.Com)
https://youtu.be/m3ol22ljL94 “Extreme Days” @TobyMac
https://youtu.be/ayH5iV5zmrI “Purify My Heart” @Jeremy Riddle
https://youtu.be/mVGmRdf-Ohc “Sometimes By Step” @Rich Mullins
https://youtu.be/AzZC3EbH6iE “Gracefully Broken” @Tasha Cobbs Leonard
Daily Journal/Thoughts/ Prayers (my perspectives and/or feelings):
Thank you, Lord, for this new day. May all including myself never forget who blesses us with air to breathe, choices to make, vision to see, sounds to hear.
No matter how great or terrible. May we put our hope in your perfect trust Jesus!
None of us are good but You Lord! This is a fact that no matter what the world brings, You will never change.
Thank you for all my yesterdays. Hear this heart Lord when it comes to those I love. They are in your hands. I pray Your will alone fills them up, softening their hearts and guiding their directions. No matter what that feels like to me. May your will be done.
Out with the old, refresh us all! This new normal is as exciting as it scares some to death. Including the somedays, somethings that rock my world unexpectedly.
As I found myself laying there last night too stiff from climbing, painting, and moving so much stuff around yesterday. I am thankful. Needing to do the closet thing again as it was overdue, I found myself in the storage bins finding old photos of days gone by when my son was all I had.
How time has flown by; finding my old Tae Kwon Do Demo Team Uniform; when myself, son and daughter all us to train. How if I could have done it financially both the kids would have made it to the junior Olympics.
How I laugh thinking back the day in the mall the team put on the demos then I took all the kids to Toy Story when it was released. That was not the funny part; the funny part was me falling asleep in the theater part way through the movie.
Oh, how I use to burn the candle on both ends back then, work, train, college, kids, wash, rinse and repeat.
Someday maybe that uniform will be part of the quilt I am readying to make. Or just be something to be donated. Only you really know Jesus.
What I do know is how times have changed and how you have changed me over these years. Although I avoid many, where in the past I had no fear to walk up in the middle of any crowd.
Knowing if something went wrong, I would fight my way out. For crying out loud the fighter within me has kept me alive but so reckless over my growing years. What about me stepping into that 1996 NY State competition ring. Moving up from the middleweight division to the heavy weight because I could never take anything for free.
Lord how you have had mercy on this soul for so long. I am unworthy yet you love me anyway.
So how is it that I can tire of some thing’s others do and say? And you Lord never tired of me; even long before I ever met you.
As I grow forward and age in this process; may I never become so short with your children as you never have with me.
May I Lord, always see with your eyes, and remain protected in you. But never grow so weary I just wish to disappear.
It happens Father. You know this better than anyone. Though I no longer wish to carry anyone as I pray all that depend on me have your angels of mercy, grace and accountibility come direct and carry them. Allowing them to ready for whatever is ahead.
As I looked through those photos remembering times gone by. Blessed then, and now. I pray for the future of all I am connected.
May we all seek you as we make the journey in whatever time this earth is given, and we are allowed to walk in it. Choosing our own happy. May we never put anyone in harms way or use others for our own personal gains. Yet, I know that will always be the case as there are more out there that do not walk with you then there are at this time and space.
Because of this I ask protection and guidance for all your chosen Lord and all those seeking to be with you.
We are in extreme days, but nevertheless I will forever want you to purify my heart and all I am connected. Step by Step for all who have gone before me; all that walk along with me and all that will come after.
Jesus it is all you; Yesterday, Today and any Tomorrows given.
For all those that cannot commit and continue to let go of what should not be finished; and all those finished and not getting the results that we expected. Yes, this includes me as well Jesus; especially me. For it is only me that I have the ability to choose, change and navigate with and through you.
Life has never been promised to easy, kind or even pain free.
Thank you for all the growing pains you have allowed me to make it through. Please heal and fill up with your love, mercy, and grace all I am connected. Even if they do not deserve you to do so today; please open their eyes and let them have that chance to choose. And if they do not; Father God, your will be done.
Show me, in truth, in love what next for this new normal and whatever work, life, balance will transpire into.
For now, this tired but at peace and fully blessed soul must take on the day.
Thank you!
Meditation Opportunities (Biblegateway.com): (NIV -New International Version, NKJV-New King James Version, AMP -Amplified Version, TBT-The Passion Translation)
James 3:17-18 (NIV) 17 But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. 18 Peacemakers who sow in peace reap a harvest of righteousness.
Luke 21:5-36 (NIV) The Destruction of the Temple and Signs of the End Times
5 Some of his disciples were remarking about how the temple was adorned with beautiful stones and with gifts dedicated to God. But Jesus said,
6 “As for what you see here, the time will come when not one stone will be left on another; every one of them will be thrown down.”
7 “Teacher,” they asked, “when will these things happen? And what will be the sign that they are about to take place?”
8 He replied: “Watch out that you are not deceived. For many will come in my name, claiming, ‘I am he,’ and, ‘The time is near.’ Do not follow them.
9 When you hear of wars and uprisings, do not be frightened. These things must happen first, but the end will not come right away.”
10 Then he said to them: “Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom.
11 There will be great earthquakes, famines and pestilences in various places, and fearful events and great signs from heaven.
12 “But before all this, they will seize you and persecute you. They will hand you over to synagogues and put you in prison, and you will be brought before kings and governors, and all on account of my name.
13 And so you will bear testimony to me. 14 But make up your mind not to worry beforehand how you will defend yourselves.
15 For I will give you words and wisdom that none of your adversaries will be able to resist or contradict.
16 You will be betrayed even by parents, brothers and sisters, relatives and friends, and they will put some of you to death.
17 Everyone will hate you because of me.
18 But not a hair of your head will perish.
19 Stand firm, and you will win life.
20 “When you see Jerusalem being surrounded by armies, you will know that its desolation is near.
21 Then let those who are in Judea flee to the mountains, let those in the city get out, and let those in the country not enter the city.
22 For this is the time of punishment in fulfillment of all that has been written.
23 How dreadful it will be in those days for pregnant women and nursing mothers! There will be great distress in the land and wrath against this people.
24 They will fall by the sword and will be taken as prisoners to all the nations. Jerusalem will be trampled on by the Gentiles until the times of the Gentiles are fulfilled.
25 “There will be signs in the sun, moon and stars. On the earth, nations will be in anguish and perplexity at the roaring and tossing of the sea.
26 People will faint from terror, apprehensive of what is coming on the world, for the heavenly bodies will be shaken.
27 At that time they will see the Son of Man coming in a cloud with power and great glory. 28 When these things begin to take place, stand up and lift up your heads, because your redemption is drawing near.”
29 He told them this parable: “Look at the fig tree and all the trees.
30 When they sprout leaves, you can see for yourselves and know that summer is near.
31 Even so, when you see these things happening, you know that the kingdom of God is near.
32 “Truly I tell you, this generation will certainly not pass away until all these things have happened.
33 Heaven and earth will pass away, but my words will never pass away.
34 “Be careful, or your hearts will be weighed down with carousing, drunkenness and the anxieties of life, and that day will close on you suddenly like a trap.
35 For it will come on all those who live on the face of the whole earth.
36 Be always on the watch, and pray that you may be able to escape all that is about to happen, and that you may be able to stand before the Son of Man.”![a]
=========================
Date: 05/18/2020 Monday
Soul Vibes and Starters (YouTube.Com)
https://youtu.be/klkEKMTe3OY “Identity In Christ” @Priscilla Shirer| Going Beyond Ministries
https://youtu.be/mBcqria2wmg “Who Am I” @Casting Crowns
Meditation Opportunities (Biblegateway.com): (NIV -New International Version, NKJV-New King James Version, AMP -Amplified Version, TBT-The Passion Translation)
Hebrews 6:10(NIV) 10 God is
not unjust; he will not forget your work and the love you have shown him as you
have helped his people and continue to help them.
Isaiah 55:8-6 (TPT) 8 “For my thoughts about mercy[a] are not like your thoughts, and my ways are different from yours.
Romans 6:6 (TPT) 6 Could it be any clearer[a] that our former identity[b] is now and forever deprived of its power?
For we were co-crucified with him to dismantle the stronghold of sin within us,[c] so that we would not continue to live one
moment longer submitted to sin’s power.[d]
Galatians 2:20 (TPT) 20 “My old identity has been co-crucified
with Messiah and no longer lives; for the
nails of his cross crucified me with him. And now the essence of this new life is no longer mine, for
the Anointed One lives his life through me—we
live in union as one! My
new life is empowered by the faith of the Son of God who loves me so much that
he gave himself for me, and dispenses his life into mine![a]
Daily Journal/Thoughts/ Prayers (my
perspectives and/or feelings):
“No
One told me that grief felt so like fear.”- @CS Lewis
Thank you,
Jesus, for allowing me another new day.
Where it takes me does not matter as long as I am filled and surrounded by
you and all you want me to be.
Man, funny how
I can be reading and listening to so many messages that lead me back to even my
own story of at one time being lost and not knowing my purpose.
I am not sure
how many in this world can relate; but I do know we all have moments that in
our journey we share the same experiences.
We all depend on where we are and who is walking with us on the trail
how we handle things.
I still
remember looking out the third-floor window of that old brownstone on those
snowy cold days looking down at the street crossing signs and just wondering
what my purpose truly was and why so much happened what will I ever do next.
God was working
on me then and I did not even know it.
After moving
out of the inner city finally somewhat back on my feet after crashing hard in a
marriage in a job and what truly felt my entire existence. When everything you
have ever hoped and dreamed for just is pulled out from under you and you never
even got a chance to know why.
Moving up to
that little white house in Latham, after having to leave the brownstone because
of the winter being too heavy and the roof crashing in.
Everything seemed to be so much better. Until that night I woke the whole house up dreaming
and screaming so loud the entire neighborhood could have heard me.
Those dreams kept
me from sleeping in that bedroom ever again.
Darkness was battling with the light to consume me. Weird stuff happened in that house. Even when I slept in the living room and
those professed in faith wanted to come and pray over the house and more poltergeist
experiences would happen even when I would fall asleep on the couch.
It did not help
that when we moved in my son found someone had once lived in the basement. With
all kinds of tarot cards and such, and yes, his curiosity got playing with
stuff.
I realize now
that it was just the beginning of me finding my way to God’s light as I
physically purposed forward. It was
during that same season just out of no where on occasions when I could get out
of my car to go pump gas and a stranger would walk by and tell me. “ God wants
you to know He Loves You”
I can assure
you back then I was lost fighting forward.
Always just wanting to belong, to be loved while I found it with my
babies as they were little; but when they grew and started finding their own
free will, losing ground fast.
Always knowing
there was so much more, but just trapped in all the stuff that just kept
failing and falling apart. Going ten steps ahead and falling twenty
back. In my growth of who was I
anyway. My family, my career and
whatever those so-called relationships I had were.
Remembering the
days when I was sitting on the porch with my neighbors of that old brownstone
and asking Paul my gay friend and neighbor.
What do you really think life is meant to be? What is the purpose of life? Then asking him do you think your purpose will
be fulfilled once you get out of school?
He was in his
last year of med school to be a doctor; and eventually he graduated and moved
to NY City working in the big hospitals down there. Prayerfully I hope he found Jesus, but also
is still well to this day. He had good
intentions and aspirations.
All he could
tell me was life is what you make it Kelly.
Back then, way back then I went and sat a church every Sunday. I was raised up Catholic, so it was nothing
to go sit, ask forgiveness, confess any wrong doings, and take off for the week
and not think about much but day to day.
All those years going to talk to God but never knowing Him.
He had a purpose
for me as I think back now when I got on that bus that came through the
neighborhood in Jacksonville FL. A 10
almost 11-year-old kid asking if I could be baptized and walking forward the
first time. Not even knowing what baptized
meant; yet here I got on a bus went to a
place among strangers a willingly walked forward, getting baptized and no clue
what it meant then; but today God chose me, and I accepted. The people driving the bus or the people at the church
were the only ones that knew what it meant
and celebrated that day for what I had done.
It was not
again until 1995 invited to a Christian church that I was called to walk forward
again; and even though I spent my days just
trying to make it through the motions without truly quitting.
Fighting the demons
as a kid that tormented me and tried to take me out. Leaving me so self-destructive
and hurting I just wanted to die so I was always totally reckless and wishful to
be taken out of this place. I still
remember at 15 telling my friends if I do not find something to live for; I am
truly not long for this place.
It has been
since that walk forward in 1995 that have been finding my identity in and with
Him ever since.
I can assure
you I am still finding out who I really am or am meant to be daily. Right up until three years ago even still
working through twists and turns of this life.
You see I came
from a single parent, no parent home, and for the life of me never understood
why my dad whom by the way my mother was married to at 15 did not want me. I am the youngest of three. The headline of my short story went like
this in my head for as far back as I can remember; they split when mom was
pregnant for me. He moved away in with a
women much older than my mom; and my mom was never put back together ever
sense.
Three years ago,
I learned so much more when I did that ancestry DNA stuff to find out how Irish
I really was and where my roots were.
It was just odd that my mother who had 11-13 in her family and who I
thought was my dad had 6-8 and I only knew the grandparents and a couple aunts
and cousins of my dad’s side.
Come to find
out according to that DNA and me going back and asking what happened. My mother who had my sister at 16, my
brother at 18 and me at 20. Was split
from her husband, and she went looking for him in places she should not have
been. Getting herself raped and who
knows what else. Thus, I the one if
they believed in abortions back then would not have been.
I always knew
things were different for me; and I just never fit in and was always kept at arm’s
length I guess is the best way to describe how I felt back then. Truth is my mom was too young to have kids
much less deal with bad things that happen in life.
She could not
deal with anything for herself much less be strong to deal with and have a
support system for a family. We had
mom’s family and her brothers and sisters pitched in where they could. But life was what it was. My sister ended up being the caretaker until
she got out of the house as a teen.
Anyway, I can
go through the journey but the meaning behind these words I guess today that
are touching me is about who we are in our identity.
How we all find
ourselves in places with facts or perceptions of the world. Convincing us what matters and what does
not.
When the truth
is the one that we absolutely should be diving into and asking the questions
going as far back as creation itself.
Not just what our DNA lineage is or should be.
Diving into and asking for guidance. Diving
into and asking to be consumed from the inside out. Calling out and calling on the very one who gave
us life in the first place. Jesus
Christ!
Not the vessels
that He allows to be part of His greater plan.
Yes, Even for
me; I gave birth to two beautiful children a son then a daughter. And they will always be a huge part of my
life for it was because I was allowed to have them, I was allowed to seek and
find purpose to my very existence here and now. Wanting
to be different and not of the world, wanting to be better and have something
tangible to teach the one’s I was part of allowing life.
However,
without the Good Lord’s blessing and Jesus going to that Cross none of it or
this would ever have been or will be possible.
I pray my children,
grandchildren and all others that come after and all those I am connected open
their spiritual eyes and see all the wonders that Jesus Christ alone allows and
performs.
They do not
belong to me; they belong to God as we all do.
Prayerfully all
I am connected will always seek and want the blessings that which are good,
humbly obedient, and worthy.
Not chasing all that is temporal and
forgetting the blessing of life and existence or how it has come to be in the first
place. Yes, having nice things in our
worldly life is awesome, money, flash, fun, looking good, feeling good; great
people; people that are known or unknown that just have that light that
charisma that makes us want what they
have. However, we must know it is
all temporary and it does not make us who we were meant to be. It is not our identity.
None of us are
exactly the same, though we all bleed red.
He has created each and everyone of us uniquely and with purpose for and
with him.
We all matter
for the eternal things to come; not that will vanish and blow in the wind.
It took me a
very long time to stop asking the world what my purpose was and why was this
happening or why me, what did I ever do that I must have these labels, these
pains, these scars, these feelings.
When I stopped
asking the world or trying to communicate directly to God yet not really
changing the motions I was going through.
Things started changing me.
Yes, I can tell
you I was one of those who went through the moments when no matter what I was
doing nothing was right; my life, my kids my anything was a mess. That time still remembered falling to my
knees screaming out what do you want from me, balling my eyes out looking up
hands pointing to the sky.
I had it going
on, great job, beautiful kids layers of struggles to get to what mattered on that
next step. Yet finding myself in so
much pain and alone; more often than not drinking myself to where I would be
laid out on the middle of the living room floor.
The journey of all
I had over come when given my babies now they were grown or almost and life was
harder and so alone and I would revert to hanging, drinking, and going hope
alone trashed and fighting with God. All before I started finding my identity in Him
I have always
said He has a great sense of humor when it came to me.
I have been blessed
beyond so many layers and scars in this journey. To still have a mind, to be alive, to still
remember so many things that He has allowed me to talk about, write about.
More importantly
to have so much peace even in the storms that come today.
I cannot answer
why. All I can do is keep loving the one
I fell in love with the day I walked forward and not perfectly but obediently
still today am filled and gifted with each new day He allows me up.
The peace even
in the storms, even in the losses, even in the days I want so much of the world
or I think I do and then I see what comes with it. The day my heart breaks for those I lose,
those I could never have. Yet blessed
with those I am connected.
Far from perfect. I still have my desires, all the while I hide
behind the wall of safety I have built up while finding myself in Christ.
I am good with
that though; because it has allowed me to really find myself and meaning in
this vast world. It has allowed me to
continue to love people for who they are and not what they do or have
done. It sometimes allows me to get too
close to the edge when serving and forgetting my boundaries or clinging to the
body of Christ that truly represents Him.
But anyone that has had do life on their own for the majority of their life
gets how hard it is to not be independent or willing to just trust in the process. But I
have to stand firm in the faith and promises of God that have given me so much
peace and ability to keep moving every day He allows me up.
Not without purposing,
I can assure you of that. Especially in
the unknown and we are in the biggest season of unknown ever. This 2020 most likely started 2019 Covid19 Pandemic
and governmental chaos of well, let me just leave all my own thoughts and conspiracy
theories out of it. Cause Lord, knows I
dislike all the corruption and political agendas that even those not in government
now play a huge role in.
If I am not
careful because of the scars I carry I am easy to stereotype and put every one that
has ever done something major wrong to someone in the same bucket. And it is overflowing just with all that I
gave to God.
I find it
unfair that one I even experience those feelings; but more so that even though Our
God of this universe who sent His son to the cross. Jesus that took all our burdens, all our
pains, all our sins upon himself so we could live. How unfair; that He has to keep taking the
stripes over and over again.
It is finished;
so, me still learning, still growing still finding my way to dig deeper in His
word, praying harder and louder and not so much carry that what really is only
out there to derail and rob us from His blessings.
Seeking his Perfect
Trust and not that of man or my own. God
only knows what and who we really are deep inside behind the walls, the masks
the good intentions or all those wrong choices and sometimes vial choices we
allow to transpire.
Never give up hope
in and through Christ alone! Really,
never stop loving, and being willing to help.
However, without expectations from anything or anyone in this
world. Do it with a joy in your heart,
and purposely seeking Gods word in everything before you do anything.
Knowing that
God knows why things are to happen when they do. So do your best not to allow
your personal desires or unspoken expectations to break you if things do not
turn out how you think they should.
Find your identity
in and with Jesus. Feed your spirit with
all that is good, all that is pure and do your best to keep getting back up
with Him alone taking your hand first and if He needs to pick you up; have that
dialogue with him.
All that I am
all that I can be is nothing without Jesus.
I did not get here on my own. Connect
with your brothers and sisters in Christ.
The true hands and feet of Jesus.
Sometimes they will be in a building
called a church; other times they will be sitting right next to you.
Music, Sermons,
Prayer closet, chair just looking out. Dig
into the bible, seeking those who help break it down and help you grow with
facts. Challenge anyone who has their
own agenda’s.
Yes, watch out
for the wolves in sheep’s clothing. In
real life in virtual reality. If it
seems to good to be true; It is.
I can be the
first to tell you, you can hope and see the best in even the darkest
souls. But it is your own choice knowing;
you cannot fix or change anyone.
They will
always be who they want to be, do what they want to be even if they so convincing. Be it your children, your brothers, your
sisters, your lovers, husbands, wives, or anyone else you come in connection
with.
Set your sights
on God first and always; do not set expectations on anyone else. Live up to your own responsibilities as you
lead by example regardless if you are playing the role willingly or not.
Someone is
always watching, and if you have children; they did not ask to be here on this earth,
and they are absolutely not your slaves.
Get up and do it yourself and teach them about the darkness and how to
live in the light. Teach them where
faith really is and how to live with hope.
The storms will
come and keep coming. None of us are
getting out of here alive.
It is the
legacy of Jesus Christ that you must plant the seeds along the way; and truly
what you are doing while you are here
that directs the path where you will end up for eternity.
You do not have
to believe me. Trust me on that. But if the book called the Bible has told
the same unchanged story for more than 2000 years. And if I myself can look back and see the
blessings that absolutely only Jesus
could have been there to allow me to be here.
We all get to
choose. While you are doing so; just know. What you do, what you say and what anyone
else says or does to you.
Although the
world can play a huge part in our journey of what direction we go; what we believe and
what we ultimately do with what we call life.
Only Jesus who
died so you could live knows what your true identity was created for and the
meaning He has you here and now for.
Meet Jesus
right where you are. It is never too
late until your taken away from the vessel that was given for this journey. You are either going to find your way at gates
of heaven or the depths of eternal hell.
Even if I am
wrong; is not worth the risk to burn.
We do not have to be perfect; we just have to live life openly believing
in the one who has allowed the air in our lungs each day we get up. Seeking all the good He wills.
And if by chance
good does not come today; dig in and learn and grow in Him to find out how to
change that. Seek him first always.
Much love and
peace this new day and those that may come next. In
Christ Stay blessed. Thank you, Jesus,
for allowing me to be AlwaysMeKelly. Please
here the voices of all I am connected, guiding, loving, growing in mercy in
grace all they can be through you.
https://youtu.be/ksQanoUc0qE “One Step Away” @Casting Crowns
#LetItHurt#LetItGo#LetItHeal
========================================================
Date: 05/17/2020 Sunday
Soul Vibes and Starters (YouTube.Com)
https://youtu.be/b2A_ijPCV2w “Press On, Morning’s Coming” @C.T. and Beck Townsend
https://youtu.be/dRjKnOiMJ1M “Lean On Me” @Bill Withers
https://youtu.be/9pv5wVS7yzk “Press On” @Building 429
https://youtu.be/AAIHWfYNkMg “I Know” @Big Daddy Weave
https://youtu.be/ZokSGsGDum4 “I’m Leaning On You” @Crowder ft. Riley Clemmons
https://youtu.be/SXxBqbTM-2U “Press On” @Mandisa
https://youtu.be/wJghcUSZyK4 “See A Victory” @Surrounded with Brandon Lake | Live from Praise Party 2019
Meditation Opportunities (Biblegateway.com): (NIV -New International Version, NKJV-New King James Version, AMP -Amplified Version, TBT-The Passion Translation)
Romans 11:33-36 (NIV) Doxology
33 Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and[a] knowledge of God!
How unsearchable his judgments, and his paths beyond tracing out!
34 “Who has known the mind of the Lord? Or who has been his counselor?”[b]
35 “Who has ever given to God, that God should repay them?”[c]
36 For from him and through him and for him are all things. To him be the glory forever! Amen.
How unsearchable his judgments, and his paths beyond tracing out!
34 “Who has known the mind of the Lord? Or who has been his counselor?”[b]
35 “Who has ever given to God, that God should repay them?”[c]
36 For from him and through him and for him are all things. To him be the glory forever! Amen.
Luke 17:1-6 (NIV) Sin, Faith, Duty
17 Jesus said to his disciples: “Things that cause people to stumble are
bound to come, but woe to anyone through whom they come. 2 It would be better for them to be thrown into
the sea with a millstone tied around their neck than to cause one of these
little ones to stumble. 3 So
watch yourselves.
“If your brother or sister[a] sins against you, rebuke them; and if
they repent, forgive them.
4 Even
if they sin against you seven times in a day and seven times come back to you
saying ‘I repent,’ you must forgive them.”
5 The apostles said to the Lord, “Increase our faith!”
6 He
replied, “If you have faith as small as a mustard
seed, you can say to this mulberry tree, ‘Be uprooted and planted in the sea,’
and it will obey you.
Daily Journal/Thoughts/ Prayers (my
perspectives and/or feelings):
Lord, thank you
for this new day, this new week. Friend,
lover, keeper of all that I am. As the birds
sing out, and I watch the innocence in this puppy playing this morning. I remember just how blessed world really has
been and can be.
Though I refer
often to the darkness that is so consuming for those I love and care
about. Those suffering with lost loves,
lost lives, lost hope living but dead to you.
Everyone trying to be first, gaining that 15minutes of fame.
Just to be
known by and with you Jesus; to be known with those who are of likeminded when
it comes to your will, your grace.
You have taught
me in love so many blessings and lessons.
So close, yet
so far away.
We work so hard
to feel what we do is worthy, trying to maintain, grow and reflect thanks in
everything we are given. So close yet so
far away on any given day.
Like that new
plumbing issue, worked on it on and off
all day; finally seen it resolved or so I thought. Only for it to just return to the brokenness.
Is it not that
what we do so often in life? Like
taking the medicine prescribed and once we feel better, we stop taking it.
We make these
choices in life and we take them so far so often and when the first sign of
something better comes along; or we no longer find interest. We suddenly have that squirrel syndrome and
run off to find something better that has gotten our attention.
Like getting
bored with my hair all these years; one thing I thought I would have
control. Laughing now as I know clearly
Control Is An Illusion!
This time Lord
I cannot go back; I refuse to do purposely do anything that robs me of your
blessing. Perhaps that has been a
saving grace in itself. Not wanting to
lose your peace. Without you I am certain
all these years I would have allowed a connection just to not be alone.
The battle is
real; it is hard pressing on in this world.
I absolutely could never do it without you. Just like everything in this world I am
truly a mess without out you and even somedays still.
I am not enough Lord unless you are with me. Please never leave me Jesus!
https://youtu.be/HyjdUKMSM4E “Here Again” @Rheva Henry
It does not
matter what they choose, what they think or what they ultimately do. I never want to be complacent when it comes
to love and life with you Jesus. I do
not foresee that ever happening; but no one really can know what will happen
tomorrow. As long as I have a healthy
mind, a healthy body I purpose daily to always fight forward towards and with
you.
On this day may
every soul that ever hears your name; be it by sound or by word. May they come to know who you really are.
Healer, protector,
lover, friend, father, counselor, blood that flows through our veins and air
that is in our lungs. May we never
take your gifts for granted and forgive all who do in transgressions against us
large or small.
Lord wash over
this earth and make us clean. Wash away
this pandemic guide your children and may we unify for your greater good and
not the temporal of this world.
Crazy, oh yes
those who know this fun loving lets just have a good time; nominated in college
for always knowing how to have a good time.
Lord may the glory be all for you.
No matter what
they say, what they do. Direct my path,
my words, my actions. Thank you for
this new day and week.
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