Music pulled
from https://www.youtube.com/ and
are free for public consumption**** Bible Verses pulled from https://www.biblegateway.com/ unless noted
otherwise and are free for public
consumption**** (NIV -New International Version, NKJV-New King
James Version, AMP -Amplified Version, TPT-The Passion Translation)
Date: Monday, April 5,
2021
Meditation
Opportunities
14 For Christ’s love
compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and therefore all
died. 15 And he died for all, that
those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died
for them and was raised again.
(@Jesus Calling 365 Devotions with Real-Life
Stories @Sarah Young)
“LET ME FILLYOU with MY Love, Joy, and Peace. These are Glory-gifts flowing from My living
Prescence.”
2 Corinthians 4:7(NASB) But we have this treasure in earthen vessels,
so that the surpassing greatness of the power will be of God and not from
ourselves.
Ephesians 3:16 I pray that out of his glorious riches he may
strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being.
Isiah 30:15 This is what the Sovereign Lord, the Holy One of
Israel says: “In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust
is your strength, but you would have none of it.”
Daily
Journal/Thoughts/ Prayers (Thinking out loud)
How true we chase and stay caught up in all the things we need to do or get done; all while not resting in just the stillness and hearing the tranquil peace that fills our spirits in the silent.
We have grown so accustomed to the noise that even the silence at times becomes overwhelmingly deafening as we have forgot how to just absorb the beauty that surrounds us and do nothing. Sound of Silence@ Simon & Garfunkel
Thankful for this day and yesterday.
After a remarkably busy weekend coming home from serving yesterday having a quick bite and getting a roast in the oven I sat down and slept hard in the chair. I had not realized just how tired I had been from staying up late nights and going non-stop and not allowing this mind to just turn off.
It did it for me… Nothing much more to say about that for
sure. I went down for the count and a
couple hours later got up feeling very refreshed. Nothing Left To Say (Art Film) @Imagine Dragons
That
I find myself fighting
for time to do the things I want to do most days; all the while doing what must
be done or what has been taken on for others or left to clean up messes by
others.
Reading this following post this morning got me thinking. Is it really extreme independence or just our armor of choices we dig in and bury ourselves with so we can find our way out of or past our own and that of others hurts, habits and hang-ups that cause so much infliction?
While it may hurt, can
we not turn the darkness into a light to help us grow? Feeding others with all
that is positive all that is good along the way?
This. Hits. Hard. And it’s something I’m still working
on.
The inability to receive support from others is a
trauma response.
Your “I don’t need anyone; I’ll just do it all myself”
conditioning is a survival tactic. And you needed it to shield your heart from
abuse, neglect, betrayal, and disappointment from those who could not or would
not be there for you.
From the parent who was absent and abandoned you by
choice or the parent who was never home from working three jobs to feed and
house you.
From the lovers who offered sexual intimacy but never
offered a safe haven that honored your heart.
From the friendships and family who ALWAYS took more
than they ever gave.
From all the situations when someone told you “we’re in
this together” or “I got you” then abandoned you, leaving you to pick up the
pieces when shit got real, leaving you to handle your part and their part, too.
From all the lies and all the betrayals.
You learned along the way that you just couldn’t really
trust people. Or that you could trust people, but only up to a certain point.
Extreme-independence IS. A. TRUST. ISSUE.
You learnt: if I don’t put myself in a situation where
I rely on someone, I won’t have to be disappointed when they don’t show up for
me, or when they drop the ball... because they will ALWAYS drop the ball
EVENTUALLY right?
You may even have been intentionally taught this
protection strategy by generations of hurt ancestors who came before you.
Extreme independence is a preemptive strike against
heartbreak.
So, you don’t trust anyone.
And you don’t trust yourself, either, to choose people.
To trust is to hope, to trust is to be vulnerable.
“Never again,” you vow.
But no matter how you dress it up and display it
proudly to make it seem like this level of independence is what you always
wanted to be, in truth it’s your wounded, scarred, broken heart behind a
protective brick wall.
Impenetrable. Nothing gets in. No hurt gets in. But no
love gets in either.
Fortresses and armor are for those in battle, or who
believe the battle is coming.
It’s a trauma response.
The good news is trauma that is acknowledged is trauma
that can be healed.
You are worthy of having support.
You are worthy of having true partnership.
You are worthy of love.
You are worthy of having your heart held.
You are worthy to be adored.
You are worthy to be cherished.
You are worthy to have someone say, “You rest. I got
this.” And actually deliver on that promise.
You are worthy to receive.
You are worthy to receive.
You are worthy.
You don’t have to earn it.
You don’t have to prove it.
You don’t have to bargain for it.
You don’t have to beg for it.
You are worthy.
Worthy.
Simply because you exist.
-Jamila White, @inspiredjamila
Just because we exist! Yes, I read this off my child’s wall and realized I was that parent that worked 3 and 4 jobs to give them everything I never had. while cramming college in to be something for a world that really cannot care the way we all would like it to.
I did miss the mark then, because
when we were together, we did do memorable things but it always had a price tag
around it. Allowing my lack of to pave the way for their future. Leaving them to take years to
realize that it is quality and not quantity or the price tag of something or
someone that should matter.
Yes, I am that one
parent that raised myself and through the school of hard knocks and lots of trauma
built, that wall that even when I think I have lowered it; many cannot even get
close.
However, I would
never change a thing of all the lessons, and blessings I have lived
through. As I am certain while I know
that just because we have a past, it does not stop us from a future each day we
are allowed back up.
We hopefully make better choices and are always thankful and willing to learn from every experience. Thus growing forward even if we do not understand that is what we are doing.
For me if I changed any single thing, I am afraid I would not have been blessed to know Christ Jesus or want to be more like him on the days I am given here and now.
We can absolutely live in the past of all our yesterdays, becoming static and deafened by the noise and silence that hums and makes us feel we cannot.
Or we can give
thanks and get back up and grow forward with hopes to be more like the love and
peace creating joy that Jesus died so we could live for. I so want the spirit, the love and to be more like Jesus. Like You @Aaron Cole ft. Tauren Wells ft. TobyMac
But I am not and here I am again today washed over and flooded by more overwhelming thoughts and news.
Life can be so cruel at times.
Booking a flight to take the time to go visit sick and aging parents.
Making a few calls, an while in deep conversation learning that this may be the year we also see the last bit of quality of life for my brother.
I knew I was going back where home use to be; to visit mom and and the only man I have known as a father figure Pops. They are aging double time since this pandemic and he is very sick yet still fighting forward.
Thinking how blessed I have been and knowing how we expose ourselves to so much throughout our journey walking through this world and life.
We consume so much unhealthy people, places and things every day; mentally, physically, emotionally!
It all adds up! Most times never satisfying our being others we find out too late.
Satisfy My Soul @Bob Marley Yes, as I write and think songs come to mind or songs trigger what I am to write. If only we know what would sustain and satisfy our souls at the beginning of our journeys or at least preventing us the damaging choices we make along harms way.
Pops, always looking out for others. That big hearted, giving soul from a life career fireman and paramedic always running into burning buildings to help and save others.
To others such as my brother; that found themselves devastated broken hearted and that tried so desperately to numb the pains of his losses. So much so he too is where his love once was.
Beautiful souls now fighting just to live as everything has changed and their last fights could be this year; and if they make it
through to 2022 it will not be anything they will want to remember.
My heart aches for those I love, for those I wanted to love, for those loved and lost.
How reality is so hard and if we could only know then what we feel and know now.
I guess that is just it, we don’t think past what is going on when we are younger. When we are hurting when we are lost and lonely.
I think what hurts the most is how we do not grasp onto eternity sometimes until life is fleeting.
For me, my brother and Pops know who God
is. But I do not know if either one of
them will ever meet Jesus and invite him in. In fact, my brother was so broken when my sister-in-law
passed on, he was hurt and angry and turned angrily away from God.
2020 sucked, 2021 is okay
but not much better. No not wishing for
2022 I don’t want to wish my time I have here myself left away.
But I sure pray that life starts getting better for everyone I am connected. I sure pray life given is acknowledged and thanks given back. It took me a long time and I am not even sure why I was blessed to stop looking over that 6-foot edge thinking life would have been better if I were gone. One Last Breath @Creed I so use to carry the weight of the world and was looking over that edge wishing and wanting.
One day something
changed and although my own being is not what the world reflect to be
perfect. It’s been perfect for me. I still miss and hurt for my own journey and
tumbles along the way. Still hurt those
times when I think of just how close but so far away, I really was.
All the while filled
with a deep gratitude and peace that even in the worst of times it consumes me
with this irreplaceable love I cannot explain.
Anyway, currently got
some Bob Marley jamming and thinking how I would have made life great on an island
somewhere. One Stir It Up @Bob Marley however, when I
finally got my act together life was fleeting.
When I finally opened my eyes realizing its okay to not be so
independent and need that which balances us; I am just not in that place to be
in that minds oasis.
Today as I take care
of that list of things that have to be handled. Jamming keeping the good vibes going as those
sometimes heavy and sad thoughts flow through. I am blessed beyond anything I can ever
repay.
Thankful then,
thankful now for all the lessons and blessings. Knowing wishing in one hand, wanting in the
other never gets us anywhere. We have
to work and make the change we want to take place.
Sometimes when things
do not work, as we plan, as we expect. We
just need to keep trying something different until we grow forward. Not giving up, not giving in even if, even when.
Anyway, in my here
and now, I am blessed no matter what. I
know things could of; would of; and just what they are here and now.
Thank you, Jesus, for
another day of opportunities. Please
comfort those in need of healing, pain, and life in general. All
that I am, all that I ever will be, all that I ever can be goes through your
hands first before anything else ever takes place.
Hold me and all I am
connected, close to what is your will.
Your Will @CityALight
