Every now and again, especially as I wander through some of the things that use to cross my mind.
I wonder what the heck was I thinking.
Although time wise some of the dates really are not that far away.
But for me it seems like an eternity.
Continual writings about looking for that special someone to share my life with.
My soul mate.
It is not far fetched, or even out of the norm.
And I believe every young girl, Young lady or women go through this when they are raised with out a father figure in their life.
I can only state I came from a single parent, no parent family.
Youngest of three, with my sister being the care taker, mother figure and protector.
when she was only four years older then me. With a brother in between us.
I have always loved my sister dearly, although we don't see each other every day and sometimes don't even talk. We have a bond closer then some families that seem to have it all together.
I can tell you from my good, bad and indifferent experiences of life.
I spent years, and lakes worth of tears. With a broken heart wishing and wondering why my father just walked out and discarded us as he did.
As I grew and got involved with the opposite sex; I was easily crushed and always just accepted whatever was thrown my way. Because I felt it was all I was ever good enough for.
It took years, of broken bad relationships, and divorce. To gain my self worth.
And I can't even tell you exactly what triggered the change.
Life was just that; the same old status quot.
But one day I had just had enough of fake; wasteful temporary relationships of every kind.
I continually worked my tail off for everything, at first just to have it all; then later to keep it all.
I always was spiritual; but never really committed to any one church or religous affiliation.
I always helped everyone and their brother; but none that really needed or cared I was helping in the end.
Until something came over me; and one day I just realized all the searching; tears; were no more.
God spoke to me; and allowed me to understand; I was never alone.
All those poems I once wrote about I would rather be alone then with someone and lonely.
He finally filled something in me; Gave me strength; courage; and took away the longing to have that forever partner that would be the man of my dreams.
Be there for me whenever I was in need, comfort me when times were fearful or just tough.
Hold me and love me for me.
He let me know he had be doing that all my life.
Though the stories are many; from the un-Godly dangers I survived as a child.
To the good looking bad boys that generally I had to recover from.
He opened so many doors of communication; showing me I am not alone and the many blessings that await me. If only I believe!
Every now and again; I still long for that special someone to share intimate moments with. Special memories but I know I am not who I once was.
I know even though I made alot of bad choices to do things my; He has carried me through it all and set me free of the bondage.
Sure every now and again when times are tough I wonder what would happen if I had never changed.
Then I realize I should have been dead several times in my life. And God had a purpose for me. He kept me alive.
I mattered, and not just to people but to my maker.
As a young girl I would cry wondering why everything I had gotten close to would go away.
As a women I built a huge wall to keep anyone from ever getting close again.
Yet the more I want to know Jesus the more I want to be around everyone to share life.
I can say that if I could do it over and know what I know now. The most important thing I would do. Is raise my children with biblicle knowledge.
Instead of thinking I could do it all on my own. Because although I did a really good job with what I had to work with. I never had a childhood, I never had security, I never had until my 30s a glimpse of peace.
I spent my life searching for what would fill in that last puzzle peace and working my tail off to correct the fall out because it wasn't the right one.
If there would be anything I could ever tell any Father.
Never leave your children no matter what. You don't have to be there all the time.
But when you are be present; and make it about the quality of time together.
Make them matter. Especially the daughters.
And for the young ladies. Oh I could go on forever.
But first never play second best to anything or anyone.
never put yourself out thinking you will get all you need in return.
Because in the end it is the relationship with Jesus Christ and the bond you make by getting into a really good bible church. That teaches the bible and not religion.
Then surround yourself with positive Godly family people.
It does not matter if you are young or old. Just do it.
You don't have to put yourself out there to be part of something real.
Just be real yourself.
You see ever now and again.
I can hardly get up from the injuries I have endured.
I can hardly breath not knowing why things in my youth happened.
I can hardly sit still due to the anticipation of all the things I have to get done, and give back.
Because my God has given me life. And I know I will never be worthy enough and I wonder when it will end.
It is a crazy way to live. But I have an inner peace with me always that just can't be explained. But I have lived, loved, laughed, cried and been blessed with God's legacy to leave when I am gone.
And for now if God chooses to bless me in unity with someone. Well I am human.
If He chooses not to; as I don't know why I was meant to be alone my entire life.
Well every now and then I will keep saying my prayers to change that.
And do whatever I can to give back for all the glory he has given me.
This may be a little off the wall. But better for my thoughts now then playing catch up living in the past again.
8-2009
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