I thank God daily he never allowed my heart to be hardened!
Although somedays it is like a bitter pill to swallow; when it comes to just day to day and how so many beautiful people waste their lives; or are so lost they don't know what it is like to open their hearts or eyes to kindness.
I remember how I was from my childhood through my teen years.
How wasteful and wasted I walked around always. How all I could see was the pain, the hurt, the loneliness that had always been with me.
And how I felt no one really cared, so if I were going to live, it had to be dangeroulsy. That life was painful so if I died it really did not matter.
No mother around, a father that threw us away. All there were drugs, and alcohol and what ever we could find to entertain ourselves.
We would hang out with those who we thought were better then us, and on some days judged us as so. For what we had or didn't have. For where we lived or couldn't live.
We grew up tough, wreckless where one day those we thought were your best friend, the next you were fighting for respect.
How funny those we thought were better then us turned out to have the same problems or worse then we could have ever imagined.
But in the end it didn't matter. Brokeness was all we knew and all we used for the excuse to party.
The sad part was this was the way of life. We grew together wasting a life with no one to guide us back. We took every bit of hurt and let downs from what was suppose to be our family and built walls all around us.
We placed ourselves at risk day in and day out. Can I tell you how many adults really are out there to take advantage of children. Sickening, and sad!
We as kids, never really caring what would happen next. Because no one cared anyway.
Broken arms, broken legs, dislocated jaw, stitches, being thrown from a van that rolled on the way home from a party 4 days before my 15th birthday. And none of it really mattered.
It was all just part of the process, that was what life was all about. After all when you grow up with nothing, and you know what it is like to live in a house in the middle of a New York winter with no heat or hot water.
And all you can remember is how the friend your mother had ruined your life, to what you swore many times was forever. remembering what it was like at 10 years old with no to rescue you no one ever came when you cried out. There was never anything to live for.
I thank God every day that over the years he; God gave me light, he changed my life, and he showed me just how differant it really should be. He gave me the opportunities of wrong and right. He kept me alive so many times!
I don't know when, I dont' know how. Lord knows I was hard headed and tried to fill so many gaps along the way. Giving in Giving up so many times to what was wrong.
And even though I changed dramatically when I decided the only way I could stay alive was to have children, even though I knew it was a risk I may die during child birth.
He blessed me. But like many, all I knew was the world, and it took me years to get in the good book. It took me years to trust anyone much less an organization or a church or anyone within.
Although I tried on many times, even tought Sunday school at one point. But it was just not my time. I still held on to the dependency finding someone in need, and enabled just because I needed a full family, something I never had. And when my childs father turned dangerous and placed my child in harms way. I would go and years later try again with having my second child.
My theme, that in shortn was nothing but wreckless free will choices.
For years thinking I could do it all, that it would never matter what anyone else would do around me, that I would be fine, I could handle it.
How funny the pain felt when reality set in. To know what it is like to have a gun held to your head, to have someone you love try to stab you with an ice pick in the shower, to have mental and physical degrading abuse. To have them hurt what was your life your children. And the day you come home to have your son crying to please take you out of the home you were trying to maintain because your husband was beating him. And all you ever knew snapped and went after the man that turned you into a rag doll. Yet you were given strength to stand tall and just look and tell them you hoped they felt like a real man now. And leave with absolutely nothing because he controlled everything.
I thank God my heart never hardened as the pain crushed me for I swore if I ever married it would be once and only once. Yet to save my children, I walked away.
To go home and know for the first time the only thing my mother could ever say was how how bad I looked all the time and that I needed to do something with myself. Even when she knew everything I ever had was gone not even a car left as he took everything from me, everything but my childrens lives or the clothes on our back.
Time went on, and I ran into one of my old buddies from when I was a kid, he helped me back on his feet. Yes that is right. We moved in together and everything was in my name, he helped get furniture and setup as I paid all the bills and before it was over I would marry him out of obligation. Almost seven years then one day he just didn't come home anymore. I don't blame him, I never was in love with him. I loved him as a friend and went through the motions. I owed him whatever I could give back.
Unfortunately those years cost my life and my children's life so much more. Because all that we had was in my name and all the bills and there were many as we lived like the Jone's and myself and children paid dearly.
Thank God he never allowed my heart to be hardened.
Although I crashed and burned. As it was soon after husband number 2 was out of my life when my independence came to a screeching halt.
I lost my job of almost 11 years do to outsourcing.
I was torn. and although I am not proud, I returned to the world of drinking.
I quit as at this time my son moved away from me, my daughter was acting out and I just quit. I buried myself, even though I would walk around the corner and go to church twice a week and just sit there asking for a sign.
Then one day I packed it all up and came to Florida. Thinking geographics would fix things.
It was a hard lesson the the first year I arrived. Totally starting over and fighting with drinking, slowly losing my daughter to drugs and alcohol. And my son already left me.
My daughter; She hated me for allowing her father to come back in her life; and he turned out to being a mean nasty man when he got drinking. Which was every other visit. Never knowing her for the first 10 years and he decides to tell her she is the worse form of life and doesn't be allowed to live; or he was going to leave her in the middle of the moutians where they went camping. So not only was she acting out, but angry for me not protecting her. And all I could do is bury myself with work and when not working partying. hiding in the good times going back into the world. Yet even then I crashed and burned; When it was not until the evening my daughter could not wake me up off the floor because I was so drunk and passed out she thought I was dead. She called blind Pete to ask what should she do.
I eventually got up; Only because someone somewhere had been praying for me.
Not sure how, but that evening I went falling to my knees and crying out, screaming more like it at God.
Crying for everything I had ever went through as a child, for everything I ever caused myself, for everything I did to my children when I quit.
Cried out why me! What did I ever do to be have the life I had. And what did I need to do to change. Asking God to please give me help.
I thank God daily for never allowing me to harden my heart, although it is has a wall around it. He showed me what life was.
No matter how much I messed up, he kept me strong, he kept me differant, he kept me alive.
He built the relationships with my children. And finally allowed me to learn how to communicate. For years I never knew what deep intimate relationships were.
I knew there was love, the caring and sharing for my brother and sister. The pain and fear for my children. But finally to know peace.
Sometimes you have to go through many lessons, much pain and even then sometimes even when you don't realize it. When he can't get through to you, he will go through your children and family or those you really have a deep feeling for.
I thank God he has carried me and my family through all the storms. And although I know the waves will continually come, and some days I will be on my knees crying out again. My father my God will always be there to pick me up.
So when I feel the pains of my friends or family members; when their children or loved one's are going through the demons motions of the world. It pains me; with bitter sweet memories to know just how blessed I have been.
It angers me to know just how stupid and lost they are no matter how God knocks on their doors.
I pray for all my brothers and sisters who know what I am talking about. For I am not alone. Somewhere sometime, someone with experience a death because of the ugliness of this world, some will slowly kill themselves or someone else with their drinking and drugging. Children will be neglected, abused, barely make it out alive, but those that do. I pray God has a plan for them to be a shining light on this dark path.
For those that are so lonely growing up feeling like everything they ever got close to; left them for whatever the reason. May God come into their life early and save them.
For those used and abused by people that are suppose to protect and comfort them. May those doing the harm suffer a much more painful punishment. May all my brothers and sisters in Christ. Never turn away just because they are not like those in great need of even just one hug, or someone to just hear thier cries.
For I give thanks daily, I am still breathing, I still have dreams and desires, for the angels that were on my path along the way and shared 5 minutes of kindness, a hug, food. For what ever the trigger or cause was that made it a point that I had to prove all those who judged me wrong, as to who I was, what I was or where I would end up. For Only God knew and knows.
I thank God daily, I strived for an education and something better in this life then what everyone else had. Even when I struggled at times to be differant.
I thank God daily, for answered prayers that he keep me alive to have children, that he keep me alive to raise my children, and on those times I just wanted to die, He did not listen. Including all the wreckless wasteful worldly occassions. Or just the hours of laying alone in the delivery rooms having my children alone.
I thank God daily, for not allowing my heart to be come hard! Knowing how much I still dream, love, imagine, pray for. And feel good bad or indifferant.
And especially knowing he has allowed me to become past what others think. And fully know there is only one judge in this universe. And of those people of the world think they are it. That is okay. As I will pray and give thanks for knowing they care in their own special way. And redirect what is a waste to hopefully giving back in appreciation knowing my father Lives within me.
kfairfield9-6-2009
With all that I am, All that I was always then, always now, always me Kelly
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