Music pulled from https://www.youtube.com/ and are free for public
consumption**** Bible Verses pulled from https://www.biblegateway.com/ unless noted otherwise and are free for public consumption**** (NIV -New International Version,
NKJV-New King James Version, AMP -Amplified Version, TPT-The Passion
Translation)
Date: Monday– October 18, 2021
Meditation Opportunities
Biblegateway.com Daily Verse
Psalm 27:14 (NIV) New International Version
14 Wait for the Lord. Be strong. Let your heart be
strong. Yes, wait for the Lord.
Movers Motivations
& Touches to the Soul (YouTube.Com)
Cochren
& Co. - Waiting for this Moment
Mix
- Casting Crowns - Scars In Heaven
Be
Alright (LIVE) - Evan Craft, Redimi2, Danny Gokey
Rheva
Henry - Here Again (Spontaneous - I Want More)
Daily Journal/Thoughts/
Prayers (Thinking out loud)
Have to say it has been a whirlwind lately. Which is why I took some down time and felt absolutely
in touch with where I belong. However,
I also stopped and looked at me and realize these past two years have worn me
down.
From the emotional let down that I fed into so much untruth and believed
the best in those which all I wanted was them to be real. And had to cut them off. One was just to help the other I don’t know what
I was thinking allowing my heart to drive.
Both very real, but both took big pieces of me that kept pieces of
them deep inside, while they never came
into the light.
Excuses more like they did not want to expose and risk their ability to
get caught for being such turds. One absolutely
playing out and getting the short end when they suffered a bigger loss that
will ever be replaced. The other who
knows maybe all the same, maybe working together but the stink from them being
a turd will always be on them until they come clean.
Not just the emotional though. I
had it down to a science in 2020 and was working out and keeping up the
momentum. But then 2021 something
happened and although I stay busy with allot; I am losing myself and cannot
wait to dive in and reach my destiny.
I have a long way to go. Ever
since 2004 getting sick and having surgery, 2007 having heart surgery and then 2010
blowing my knee out and after a year them finding the issue and doing surgery
slowing me down for a while. I fought
my way back to health and looking today realizing there is no reason why I cannot
do it again.
I need a partner to keep me motivated; cause in all honesty doing what I
do and for others. When it comes to me, I have no energy left. It does not help that I let myself down and
beat the crap out of me without any help.
I will always own my choices. Even
if I was dreaming with my eyes open but just could not see the common sense and
truth come into the real light.
All my life been waiting for that moment. Wide away dreaming only intensifies the
depth and the rush that maybe only fools
get without filling up with that which ultimately kills you.
I don’t know but the real love is all which God has allowed me to learn how
to love myself and love those even if, as he would. I try sometimes I just get it mixed up
cause I want that love back even though I am beyond blessed.
It will be alright. Man, I some of the dark broken places this
girl has found ways out of. And all
that which was temporal that felt so good leaving eternal memories good and
bad. And that which was almost even if
not faithfully true by those just playing the game because that is all they
know.
Even when you watch them, and they think you don’t know; when you know a
whole lot more than they understood but you were just being you. Leaving the worse part you doing without expectations
just hope and you are left feeling like the fool. Even for would, should of could of.
At which point do you just not feel yet still carry Jesus so far deep in
your very being.
No one owes me a thing; nor do I owe anyone but Christ. The cost was already paid and had I really
understood or understand how he possibly managed to love through all of what
this world did to him? I am broken
watching friends, loved ones and so many youths and talent wasted and taken too
early. All those scars in heaven even
if they leave us bleeding out face down with so much you do not know how you
will ever recover. Jesus, I do not know how you do what you do here and
now; or how you ever did what you did for all of us. For me?
Here is what will always be my heart belonging to Jesus Christ all the
while I try to live here on earth and so desperately at times feel so much just
wanting to feel it and see it right where I am and not wait until eternity
takes me home.
My life long before I gave it back has never been about just fun and
quick and dirty because I can.
In all reality anyone can get that little bit of something, something
anytime from anyone. That something can be
sex, drugs, rock and roll or that pretend let’s playhouse. Still at the end of the day leaving you empty.
I have never needed anyone to own me just to help me. I have never needed anyone to make money or
get me nice things.
Am I human I have to laugh with that thought coming out? Nope never been gay. Happy, happy; joy, joy! To each their own but I believe in men and
women in a bond to each other period…
I have some beautiful souls that I have become friends with over the
years that they are who they are, believe
what they believe and are not in alignment with the biblical logistics. And you know what as long as they do their
thing in their own place and on their time and not around me. That is for them and God to shake out. Have I had conversations with younger wild
things? Oh yes… not just because of
their choices of sexuality but in general to just stop giving themselves away. Their choices to who they do so is far
beyond men/men or women/woman. You
can never get anything back once it is
gone.
Not in your dreams, not in real life!!
But because I have made it a point to remain clean with a pure heart, clean
hands, and absolute clear conscious many have accused me like the world does of
being something I am not.
From liking women, to being just too cold and stuck up. The typical bull crap. that the world and
those who try to manipulate you use.
Crazy thinking how sure I was then; how sure I was even today. And remembering all the time you God wiped
my tears away in my heart, in real life.
But what happens when you feel you soul is bleeding out. To a dying world that doesn’t want to be saved
and even if it did what is my role?
Praising you, showing up for a God bigger than anything I could ever
imagine no matter what is burning up inside me or around in this world falling
freely.
Far from perfect. Without a
doubt. I always liked those good-looking
bad boys… not to mention those that would keep me on my toes and keep me
young. But never did that ever stop me
from really believing something was meant to be when it was going down.
Later to realize it was really alright and the only thing going down was
the fact I gave myself away and they knew it so they played it out with me and
who ever else they could along the way.
What is it my sister asked me this past week joking with peanut butter? As she came out and said as she held her jar
stating choosey mothers choose Jiff and holding mine asking me why I had Peter
Pan. And knowing my spirit that comes
naturally was just to remind her that I love some men in tights. Be it Peter Pan or on a football field. Okay so I went right off that narrow road… Yes,
I am fresh, and sassy. Always have had
that funny side to me. And yes, I there is some truth that statement. Bottom line though over all the years of
checking out and living through the moments of all those well-groomed good
looking tight jeans nice butt personalities is just the book cover and over
time you really find out in this world people are good at dressing up what they
want to hide or distract you with what gets your attention.
Be it personality, talent, or just oh my goodness and the excitement is
that rush only fools get to live through.
Yes, I have been a foolish soul in the past. Dreaming wide awake or in the depths of the night
when nothing can be talked about because either they will think you are crazy or
if they are the ones in your dreams, they will take it and run. Being a soul that just wants to live simply
while enjoying the benefits of all Gods provisions now that I know how everything
I have always been his. The glory of
finding myself years back is a beautiful thing, even if not easy to live with
some days. After all these years understanding
so much yet still at times feeling the cost of being ripped off because I don’t
fully get it.
One of life’s big riddles and only time when it is, and God will reveal
what it all meant.
But for now, who else is there that sustains it all and turns messes
that seem to consume all there is and use it for lessons and messages for many
in need.
Read the book, Evil does not win!
Ever even when it seems like it in all the things that numb us and turn all
we know into heartbreak and tragedy.
Overwhelming us with negative news non-stop darkness and the need for so
many to just not show up when they know how to do the right thing.
Reminded over and over again who is in control and given moments to look
at that person in the mirror and know what is needed and just praying for the
motivation to make it one more time.
His will be done with so much sorrow here and now. So much loneliness even
when we are never alone. How Jesus did
you ever sustain as long as you did?
Its more prevalent now, but it was back then too. Guarding my heart was never easy… Taking courage well I am not sure what that is
supposed to look like. There are far
braver souls in this world than I will ever be.
Yet relying on you Lord! With all that I am and all that I will be for
whatever your calling says I am to be.
So, in these moments I know I will never be alone… even when I face
plant and lose my grip. I will always
need you to show me the way.
Teach me what I do not understand.
Forgive me for what breaks your heart or leaves you unable to stand.
Tell me your truths no lies.
For I am alive in you even when I had to die.
I may feel last but somewhere I am first.
One thing is for sure, confused, mixed up I will never die from thirst.
You Jesus have blessed me beyond all being never again will there be a
curse.
Simpleton little rhymes of this heart Jesus, let me be the love that is
superglued and never to be broken apart.
I am not enough without you Jesus!
Heal me, show me what next, give me the energy, the drive, the
purpose. Make sense of those taken in
harms way and robbed of life. Make sense
and protect your children, bring them home to your kingdom.
Come Jesus not just to meet us. But
to light up this world. Wash through
this land with healing. Show your
chosen, show me what, how, why, who…NOW!
You are the depths of all I am. Who shall it be? When?
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