Over the past few days coming towards the end of the year.
I looked around feeling the pains of all those things I thought I could do on my own.
That turned out all wrong.
Tears in my eyes so much more often then I ever wanted I won't lie.
Filthy rich according to foreign standards and a beautiful job that exercises the mind.
Yet financially destroyed after so many labored hours, because alone I did not ask for his guidance. Instead me cruising that highway bitter sweet yet striving.
For what in the end. I ask myself now holding on to God's hand.
For I am loved at a distance but without Him.
I have nothing, no one who really knows or cares who I am.
The last few days of 2009, So often the tricks of the mind almost broke me.
Wondering how I got stuck in this lie.
Digging deeper the pains feeling the failures of parent hood that had rose.
Two beautiful children one can not hold on to the need of a future, staying on that long dark road. The other I hardly see, yet conversations state he is holding his own.
Remembering when I thought I would die time and time again.
And how I would pray to Our God to just let me see that they are grown.
Then one day my prayers change to the grandchild that has come along.
Blessings from above all children are. They never ask to be here. Yet our loneliness, selfishness, need to live are given the right.
No one can ever tell you exactly what the blessing brings. As it is only from above, something so out of reach so out of sight.
I never planned my life would be where it is today.
Sure I have it going on; the surface allows me to vent all my desires all my needs.
Giving back to anyone in God's needs.
Or at least so I try to please.
Staying so busy so I don't have to think.
Yet when you are in love with someone so far out of reach.
There is nothing more you can do. But emotionally bleed.
Cut's so deep, the love just oozes in a slow painful smolder.
Just knowing they will never be your crying shoulder.
The Lord has blessed me in this life. Walking me out of darkness so many times, leaving me to choose that great divide.
I love my Lord, Jesus Christ the Father, Son and Holy Ghost.
He has my soul and will never let go.
Yet although I finally got it after so many test trials.
I go down with the best of them. Feeling what is missed in the flesh. Feeling all those things I take so personal, such as choices a child makes. Thinking about the healing and giving of life, cervical cancer, four hour heart surgery. How does my God know what to do, how does he know what is like. When will I gain is full purpose for my life. I think how stupid I have been a time or two. Knowing he has me right where I should be at least how I convince myself from loneliness blues.
I love life more then myself at times.
I love people all colors, all sizes all personalities even in these times.
I love that special someone, a man after Gods own heart. Yet to say he even notices me is truly the horse before the cart.
My family, my friends when I walk out these doors.
I can't wait for heaven where there will not even be walls anymore.
I don't know where or what tomorrow will bring.
I do know I make efforts to never let go of those whom I have been blessed with in the yesterdays, todays or even tonight's.
No matter where their heart is wrong or right.
My prayers are daily they may soon all see through God's eyes.
So no matter how sad I feel alone in time.
No matter how many tears I can't hold back when those people I love move over to the promise land. I pray as the song my strength that comes from him truly will allow me to Rise when he calls my name. That I may never give up or in; to what is temporary. No matter what it is that I am missing.
May I continue to love at a distance. And be given the spirit to acknowledge if my time is ever given. I recognize the signs so I do not miss him again.
So prayerfully I share the goodbyes to 2009. Opening to 2010 my heart, my arms and eyes.
Prayers for those who are close and so sick and I know are soon to die.
Prayers for those thinking they can get a piece of what I have in this ride, knowing it is their own fools game, wondering why they even try.
Prayers for those that are new sharing their journeys to my eyes. May their experiences bless more then a passing moment in their life.
Prayers who continually tell me to keep getting that religion. When they are so far off, may they sometime feel the peace in my relationship with Him I have been given.
Prayers for those Lord who lost what they seem to be their entire life. They partners, their careers, their everything it's just not right. May they be blessed with your new love.
May I continue to be your child Lord Jesus Christ. May I learn to accept the blessings of your beacon of light.
May I share all that is good. May Lord my hearts desires be fully handled by your site.
May you accept my thanks for all I have been blessed with and to do, for others seeing the joy on their face. May that joy expand to more then just my heart's place.
Crazy I am, I was, I will always be. Be it 2009 or 2010 I am always just me.
With all that I am, All that I was always then, always now, always me Kelly
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
2010_FRIENDS HANDBOOK
This is some good stuff....
HANDBOOK 2010
Health:
1. Drink plenty of water.
2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.
3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants..
4. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy
5. Make time to pray.
6. Play more games
7. Read more books than you did in 2009 .
8. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day
9. Sleep for 7 hours.
10. Take a 10-30 minutes walk daily. And while you walk, smile.
Personality:
11. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
12. Don't have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
13. Don't over do. Keep your limits.
14. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
15. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip.
16. Dream more while you are awake
17. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need..
18. Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner with His/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.
19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others.
20. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.
21. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
22. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
23. Smile and laugh more.
24. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree...
Society:
25. Call your family often.
26. Each day give something good to others.
27. Forgive everyone for everything.
28. Spend time w/ people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6.
29. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
30. What other people think of you is none of your business.
31. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.
Life:
32. Do the right thing!
33. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
34. GOD heals everything.
35. However good or bad a situation is, it will change..
36. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
37. The best is yet to come..
38. When you awake alive in the morning, thank GOD for it.
39. Your Inner most is always happy. So, be happy.
Last but not the least:
40. Please Forward this to everyone you care about, I just did.
HANDBOOK 2010
Health:
1. Drink plenty of water.
2. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.
3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants..
4. Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy
5. Make time to pray.
6. Play more games
7. Read more books than you did in 2009 .
8. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day
9. Sleep for 7 hours.
10. Take a 10-30 minutes walk daily. And while you walk, smile.
Personality:
11. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
12. Don't have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
13. Don't over do. Keep your limits.
14. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
15. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip.
16. Dream more while you are awake
17. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need..
18. Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner with His/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.
19. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others.
20. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.
21. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
22. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
23. Smile and laugh more.
24. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree...
Society:
25. Call your family often.
26. Each day give something good to others.
27. Forgive everyone for everything.
28. Spend time w/ people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6.
29. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
30. What other people think of you is none of your business.
31. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.
Life:
32. Do the right thing!
33. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
34. GOD heals everything.
35. However good or bad a situation is, it will change..
36. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
37. The best is yet to come..
38. When you awake alive in the morning, thank GOD for it.
39. Your Inner most is always happy. So, be happy.
Last but not the least:
40. Please Forward this to everyone you care about, I just did.
Monday, December 14, 2009
2009-IT IS OKAY(PrayersThoughts_PiecesofMe_AlwaysMeKelly)
It Is Okay
It is Okay right now
you always get what you want.
you always get what you need.
you get what you see if you need or want something
you want you get to and it is not fair to me.
Written by Jalexus V 10-2009 for her second grade music class assignment
It is Okay right now
you always get what you want.
you always get what you need.
you get what you see if you need or want something
you want you get to and it is not fair to me.
Written by Jalexus V 10-2009 for her second grade music class assignment
2009-Happy Birthday Jesus(PrayersThoughts_PiecesofMe_AlwaysMeKelly)
We often pray for our family, friends and loved ones. Praying for those who are sick, injured or going through some crises.
We pray for end results, or a fix to something that is turning our lives upside down.
Praying for material things, or love from the unknown. Do we pray more at Christmas time? Do we expect more?
As we go through the lacking efforts of just acknowledging and putting Christ every part of every one of our days.
We raise concerns that we are taking IN GOD WE TRUST out of the public eye. We raise concerns that someone wants to be different and make it a law we can not have CHRISTMAS during the CHRISTMAS season. But everything is now a holiday.
Yet do we really step out and acknowledge that “Jesus is the reason for every season!”
Sure we all believe in something. I am not here to judge you; I know what I believe and what works for me.
I am no authority; but I know what has worked for me.
So why can’t we have:
Prayers for our father that May He never get tired of our human lacking ways and inabilities.
Prayers for those who judge and determine they have all the answers and quickly condemn or have something better for the people, places and things they encounter on a daily basis.
Prayers for all our care givers, and care takers. May God's strength and will continue to fill their lives, allowing all of us the blessings of their services at one time or another.
Prayers for those with addictions that they feel so out of touch they have to numb themselves from all they deal with on a daily basis.
Prayers for our Service Men and Women; away from the comforts of home, in the middle of all that will be forever imprinted on their hearts and minds.
Prayers for the throw away parents, May God teach you abstinence, and/or ways to protect the blessings you are just not ready to accept.
Prayers for the evil minds; that God has mercy on your souls, and warms your hearts to stop all the harmful sick things you are doing.
Prayers for the cheaters, liars, and thieves may God give you strength, courage and will to want to do what is right.
Prayers for the takers, which must continually use up what others have, yet can not get out and do for themselves or show they can do for others.
That doesn’t mean I don’t believe in prayers for all that are in need, desperate, hurting, sick, dying.
Prayers for the husband or wife who has been together for years and one will now suffer loneliness as the other has gone ahead.
Prayers for the children, who are beaten, broken, tormented and tortured, left to cry in the dark if they are even able to make a sound at all.
Prayers for the people who are suffering issues with mental illness; afraid and alone in the world of their own.
Prayers for the person unemployed, not knowing how they will feed or house their family, feeling so strapped they just can not go on.
Prayers for all that can never see past the darkness this world sometimes over whelms us with.
Thank you Lord for protecting our nations; thank you for allowing we mere specs in the grand scheme of things to even one ability of your life and wisdom.
Not only on this day; but every day you allow us life and freedom of choice.
For I will never be a scholar when it comes to knowing even a sliver of what you really have done for me or anyone else of this world.
But I know I have been blessed in more ways then I can ever repay.
I will still want things I should not have, I will still do things I should have never done.
And in the end I know despite even my best efforts on my best days. I or anyone I know could never deserve your blessings.
Yet you have and continue to bless me and my family and friends and people I may never know. THANK YOU
Happy Birthday Jesus
During this CHRISTmas season and every day~
With all that I am, All that I was always then, always now, always me Kelly
We pray for end results, or a fix to something that is turning our lives upside down.
Praying for material things, or love from the unknown. Do we pray more at Christmas time? Do we expect more?
As we go through the lacking efforts of just acknowledging and putting Christ every part of every one of our days.
We raise concerns that we are taking IN GOD WE TRUST out of the public eye. We raise concerns that someone wants to be different and make it a law we can not have CHRISTMAS during the CHRISTMAS season. But everything is now a holiday.
Yet do we really step out and acknowledge that “Jesus is the reason for every season!”
Sure we all believe in something. I am not here to judge you; I know what I believe and what works for me.
I am no authority; but I know what has worked for me.
So why can’t we have:
Prayers for our father that May He never get tired of our human lacking ways and inabilities.
Prayers for those who judge and determine they have all the answers and quickly condemn or have something better for the people, places and things they encounter on a daily basis.
Prayers for all our care givers, and care takers. May God's strength and will continue to fill their lives, allowing all of us the blessings of their services at one time or another.
Prayers for those with addictions that they feel so out of touch they have to numb themselves from all they deal with on a daily basis.
Prayers for our Service Men and Women; away from the comforts of home, in the middle of all that will be forever imprinted on their hearts and minds.
Prayers for the throw away parents, May God teach you abstinence, and/or ways to protect the blessings you are just not ready to accept.
Prayers for the evil minds; that God has mercy on your souls, and warms your hearts to stop all the harmful sick things you are doing.
Prayers for the cheaters, liars, and thieves may God give you strength, courage and will to want to do what is right.
Prayers for the takers, which must continually use up what others have, yet can not get out and do for themselves or show they can do for others.
That doesn’t mean I don’t believe in prayers for all that are in need, desperate, hurting, sick, dying.
Prayers for the husband or wife who has been together for years and one will now suffer loneliness as the other has gone ahead.
Prayers for the children, who are beaten, broken, tormented and tortured, left to cry in the dark if they are even able to make a sound at all.
Prayers for the people who are suffering issues with mental illness; afraid and alone in the world of their own.
Prayers for the person unemployed, not knowing how they will feed or house their family, feeling so strapped they just can not go on.
Prayers for all that can never see past the darkness this world sometimes over whelms us with.
Thank you Lord for protecting our nations; thank you for allowing we mere specs in the grand scheme of things to even one ability of your life and wisdom.
Not only on this day; but every day you allow us life and freedom of choice.
For I will never be a scholar when it comes to knowing even a sliver of what you really have done for me or anyone else of this world.
But I know I have been blessed in more ways then I can ever repay.
I will still want things I should not have, I will still do things I should have never done.
And in the end I know despite even my best efforts on my best days. I or anyone I know could never deserve your blessings.
Yet you have and continue to bless me and my family and friends and people I may never know. THANK YOU
Happy Birthday Jesus
During this CHRISTmas season and every day~
With all that I am, All that I was always then, always now, always me Kelly
Saturday, November 14, 2009
2009-THOUGHT FOR THE DAY(PrayersThoughts_PiecesofMe_AlwaysMeKelly)
Thought for the day
Though I am always running around doing work or trying to play. In Him I rest, for now there is no other way. For all that is here, is only temporary. As life moves forward this too shall pass. I can only hope my faith is true; and I am worthy enough for His eternal grace. Because I just can't wait for that tropical island, with the music playing around, and nothing but smiles on everyone's face.
With no room for sorrow; no room for hate.
No regrets or pain of hurt in any state.
To share the love, even when at once it was thought to be lost.
Life will be grand, as Jesus has already gauranteed that, when he paid the cost.
Though I am always running around doing work or trying to play. In Him I rest, for now there is no other way. For all that is here, is only temporary. As life moves forward this too shall pass. I can only hope my faith is true; and I am worthy enough for His eternal grace. Because I just can't wait for that tropical island, with the music playing around, and nothing but smiles on everyone's face.
With no room for sorrow; no room for hate.
No regrets or pain of hurt in any state.
To share the love, even when at once it was thought to be lost.
Life will be grand, as Jesus has already gauranteed that, when he paid the cost.
Monday, November 2, 2009
2009-I can't reach her!(PrayersThoughts_PiecesofMe_AlwaysMeKelly)
The most painful times in life are when you watch those you love; die a slow death at others hands.
And they just won't take stock in the truth they are worth so much and have been giving so many precious un-replacable blessings. That once they are gone; a light goes out making this world an even darker place to reside.
I pray our God can protect and hold the innocent dear. While we are lost and just don't see the dangers, because of or co-dependency of needing to be controlled, loved, and wanted.
Even when it is by all the wrong things of this life!
Title Blog Entry
The most painful times in life are when you watch those you love; die a slow death at others hands.
And they just won't take stock in the truth they are worth so much and have been giving so many precious un-replacable blessings. That once they are gone; a light goes out making this world an even darker place to reside.
I pray our God can protect and hold the innocent dear. While we are lost and just don't see the dangers, because of or co-dependency of needing to be controlled, loved, and wanted.
Even when it is by all the wrong
And they just won't take stock in the truth they are worth so much and have been giving so many precious un-replacable blessings. That once they are gone; a light goes out making this world an even darker place to reside.
I pray our God can protect and hold the innocent dear. While we are lost and just don't see the dangers, because of or co-dependency of needing to be controlled, loved, and wanted.
Even when it is by all the wrong things of this life!
Title Blog Entry
The most painful times in life are when you watch those you love; die a slow death at others hands.
And they just won't take stock in the truth they are worth so much and have been giving so many precious un-replacable blessings. That once they are gone; a light goes out making this world an even darker place to reside.
I pray our God can protect and hold the innocent dear. While we are lost and just don't see the dangers, because of or co-dependency of needing to be controlled, loved, and wanted.
Even when it is by all the wrong
Thursday, October 22, 2009
2009-To everything there is a season(PrayersThoughts_PiecesofMe_AlwaysMeKelly)
"To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven." Ecclesiastes 3:15
Autumn leaves are falling -- a beautiful sight, but to many people a sad one too, because it means that summer's blooms and brightness will soon be replaced by winter's barrenness and darkness.
But why be sad? Scripture tells us that every season has its beauty and its purpose. Think about the special beauties of winter that we can look forward to: The glow of a warm fire…sunlight sparkling on ice-covered branches or moonlight shining on snow… the way we can see further without leaves on the trees…and of course the magical and holy time of Christmas. And think about the purpose of winter: Nature rests and renews itself for new growth. In the same way we can renew ourselves, by using the extra time we must spend indoors for prayer and study of God's Word.
At OurPrayer.org, one thing that is common to every season is the faithfulness of our volunteers in lifting up to the Lord every prayer request we receive. When you entrust your deepest concerns to us we are honored to pray for you by name and need. May God bless you in this and every season of your life.
Autumn leaves are falling -- a beautiful sight, but to many people a sad one too, because it means that summer's blooms and brightness will soon be replaced by winter's barrenness and darkness.
But why be sad? Scripture tells us that every season has its beauty and its purpose. Think about the special beauties of winter that we can look forward to: The glow of a warm fire…sunlight sparkling on ice-covered branches or moonlight shining on snow… the way we can see further without leaves on the trees…and of course the magical and holy time of Christmas. And think about the purpose of winter: Nature rests and renews itself for new growth. In the same way we can renew ourselves, by using the extra time we must spend indoors for prayer and study of God's Word.
At OurPrayer.org, one thing that is common to every season is the faithfulness of our volunteers in lifting up to the Lord every prayer request we receive. When you entrust your deepest concerns to us we are honored to pray for you by name and need. May God bless you in this and every season of your life.
2009-If I kept a diary(PrayersThoughts_PiecesofMe_AlwaysMeKelly)
If I kept a diary it may read something like this.
Dear Lord
Today is such and such a day. Nothing out of the unusual on this day.
As you know before it even occurs; my life is always a whirlwind.
My alarm went off at 4am, as I lay there and try to think of worthy words to say to you. The only thing I could get out was giving thanks for another day, asking forgiveness on all the things that I just don't get, or miss. And protection and your will for myself, my family and all those who can not protect themselves.
On this day in particular; how tired am I from the emotional, physical changes continually going on. The stress of worry for my daughter and her daughter and all that has transpired. The endless thoughts of could I have done anything different to make it turn out differently.
To the peace I have with you, knowing without the trials in life; I would not be the person I am today.
So I never picked my life in a sense. I never planned on being awaken at 10 years old from a sound sleep being raped, by my mothers friend who she entrusted me with. Losing a period of time in my life I honestly never really want to get back. I never planned being so wasted with drugs and alcohol from ages 10-16 and living through so many injuries, accidents and willful attempts to just die due to loneliness abandonment. Where everything or everyone I got close to just went away.
With much empathy Lord for all those who have been so lost in this life.
Yet on the same token. I give thanks for although years later I got it. It was you that kept me alive.
Through being abused by strangers, fed full of drugs, reckless deadly accidents, several attempts on my life. You never hardened my heart.
On this day like many others I climbed out of bed by 4:15 wandering around taking care of my pets, and pulling myself together to drive that hour ride into a place of employment. Which so many no longer have, pets that make me crazy because I only really took on 2 myself and have a houseful due to rescue efforts of others to me. Yet I am saddened because one of the 2 I raised for 13 years was let out in a brand new neighborhood and never found her way back home.
I am use to it by now I think. You know Lord something’s are just engrained in us. But the pains of things we love and care for going away no longer throws me into a self destruct mode.
Oh how foolish I was as a child, but then again what did I know. No father, and a mother always pre – occupied and gone to be working.
Living in a home in a New York State Winter with no heat, no hot water, and our favorite meals were eggs, beans and spaghetti.
How badly we thought we had it back then, and we make it our life goal to keep our own children from experiencing any of what we went through.
Yet what that does is just enable them to not appreciate and facilitate positive motivated goals for their own future.
Dear Lord on this day I felt the need to write again. As the tiredness of life has kept my head in a dust cloud the past couple days, from that whirlwind of life’s events.
So much so that I stupidly rush off in a hurry to no where, and get myself a citation for speeding. Although I am still trying to figure out how the person in front of me got pulled over too. And they were told they were going 55 and yet I was doing 60 directly behind them.
Life is so convoluted. Trust me when I say I deserve a ticket, because just the day before again I raced off to no where just because I was exhausted and needed to get home and work. Not rest but work.
Well you know how I am.
Lord I could be referring this to dear diary. But I really have no bond with a diary.
You know I have sometimes really planned things out and made choices and felt good, and some have turned out really great. When others just about destroyed me.
I wish I knew what you have in store for me. I wish I knew why as a young girl before the age of 10 I would sit in my room with records playing full blast and sing my heart out. Dreaming of someday I would have a husband, family, and a cottage with the little white picket fence.
Yet instead I have been single more then not, even though divorced twice. Giving it my best shot with those so un matched. And eventually with my home put up the white lattice fencing myself.
I am still lonely Lord. But you fill my heart and soul with your mercy, grace ,peace and love.
I have been blessed with my biological brother and sister. And your kingdom filled with beautiful people.
Where I day dream at times what it would be like to be married to a Godly man. And then I realize I need to just leave things be.
If you want me with someone you will have that person take a stand.
That although I don’t know where I am going. I know where I have been. And you have carried me through so many obstacles.
Thank you for allowing me to be your child, sister and friend.
Lord if I wrote a diary I am not sure it would be any different with the words I say day to day.
But for now thank you with all I am for your guidance, wisdom and ability to pray.
So with that bless all and keep them from dismay.
Until next time I write I will see you some day.
Dear Lord
Today is such and such a day. Nothing out of the unusual on this day.
As you know before it even occurs; my life is always a whirlwind.
My alarm went off at 4am, as I lay there and try to think of worthy words to say to you. The only thing I could get out was giving thanks for another day, asking forgiveness on all the things that I just don't get, or miss. And protection and your will for myself, my family and all those who can not protect themselves.
On this day in particular; how tired am I from the emotional, physical changes continually going on. The stress of worry for my daughter and her daughter and all that has transpired. The endless thoughts of could I have done anything different to make it turn out differently.
To the peace I have with you, knowing without the trials in life; I would not be the person I am today.
So I never picked my life in a sense. I never planned on being awaken at 10 years old from a sound sleep being raped, by my mothers friend who she entrusted me with. Losing a period of time in my life I honestly never really want to get back. I never planned being so wasted with drugs and alcohol from ages 10-16 and living through so many injuries, accidents and willful attempts to just die due to loneliness abandonment. Where everything or everyone I got close to just went away.
With much empathy Lord for all those who have been so lost in this life.
Yet on the same token. I give thanks for although years later I got it. It was you that kept me alive.
Through being abused by strangers, fed full of drugs, reckless deadly accidents, several attempts on my life. You never hardened my heart.
On this day like many others I climbed out of bed by 4:15 wandering around taking care of my pets, and pulling myself together to drive that hour ride into a place of employment. Which so many no longer have, pets that make me crazy because I only really took on 2 myself and have a houseful due to rescue efforts of others to me. Yet I am saddened because one of the 2 I raised for 13 years was let out in a brand new neighborhood and never found her way back home.
I am use to it by now I think. You know Lord something’s are just engrained in us. But the pains of things we love and care for going away no longer throws me into a self destruct mode.
Oh how foolish I was as a child, but then again what did I know. No father, and a mother always pre – occupied and gone to be working.
Living in a home in a New York State Winter with no heat, no hot water, and our favorite meals were eggs, beans and spaghetti.
How badly we thought we had it back then, and we make it our life goal to keep our own children from experiencing any of what we went through.
Yet what that does is just enable them to not appreciate and facilitate positive motivated goals for their own future.
Dear Lord on this day I felt the need to write again. As the tiredness of life has kept my head in a dust cloud the past couple days, from that whirlwind of life’s events.
So much so that I stupidly rush off in a hurry to no where, and get myself a citation for speeding. Although I am still trying to figure out how the person in front of me got pulled over too. And they were told they were going 55 and yet I was doing 60 directly behind them.
Life is so convoluted. Trust me when I say I deserve a ticket, because just the day before again I raced off to no where just because I was exhausted and needed to get home and work. Not rest but work.
Well you know how I am.
Lord I could be referring this to dear diary. But I really have no bond with a diary.
You know I have sometimes really planned things out and made choices and felt good, and some have turned out really great. When others just about destroyed me.
I wish I knew what you have in store for me. I wish I knew why as a young girl before the age of 10 I would sit in my room with records playing full blast and sing my heart out. Dreaming of someday I would have a husband, family, and a cottage with the little white picket fence.
Yet instead I have been single more then not, even though divorced twice. Giving it my best shot with those so un matched. And eventually with my home put up the white lattice fencing myself.
I am still lonely Lord. But you fill my heart and soul with your mercy, grace ,peace and love.
I have been blessed with my biological brother and sister. And your kingdom filled with beautiful people.
Where I day dream at times what it would be like to be married to a Godly man. And then I realize I need to just leave things be.
If you want me with someone you will have that person take a stand.
That although I don’t know where I am going. I know where I have been. And you have carried me through so many obstacles.
Thank you for allowing me to be your child, sister and friend.
Lord if I wrote a diary I am not sure it would be any different with the words I say day to day.
But for now thank you with all I am for your guidance, wisdom and ability to pray.
So with that bless all and keep them from dismay.
Until next time I write I will see you some day.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
2009-Life Is Poetic(PrayersThoughts_PiecesofMe_AlwaysMeKelly)
Colorful and Dark
Some in our life will fill us with purpose.
Some just with noise, or nerve- breaking-drama,
Clearly never good for us.
So as our Father of the Heavens
Gives us our desires; be it beautiful skylines
Or the sun set on fire.
Always remember the TRUTH
No matter how good the words sound
Reach for what is real
As a lie will always be a lie
As will Satan be a liar!
Some in our life will fill us with purpose.
Some just with noise, or nerve- breaking-drama,
Clearly never good for us.
So as our Father of the Heavens
Gives us our desires; be it beautiful skylines
Or the sun set on fire.
Always remember the TRUTH
No matter how good the words sound
Reach for what is real
As a lie will always be a lie
As will Satan be a liar!
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
2009-The Vine(PrayersThoughts_PiecesofMe_AlwaysMeKelly)
The Saturday night Vine Done Differently service came to a close 9-26-2009.
It has been a most uplifting journey.
Sharing and caring with what are like family and in my heart always my friends.
What started out as just doing; turned into a fulfilling God filled adventure.
To give is always better then to receive. Many of us know we can never get time back.
But for me and the others that pulled together to make things happen; just showing up willing to serve was the ultimate gift of all.
I personally could not have done my part; without all those who dedicated their time
To Speak
To worship
To sing’
To play in the band
To light candles
And to come and be fed or to just be themselves
I have many thanks to all; and to my God above for this door he opened and allowed me to walk through during the Vine Service / Vine Café cycle.
I can not imagine where I would have been, if I was not able to grow during this time with everyone who pulled this together. Thank you all; Thank you Jesus!
With all that I am, All that I was always then, always now, always me Kelly
The Vine and the Branches
1"I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. 2He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes[a] so that it will be even more fruitful. 3You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. 4Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.
5"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. 6If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. 7If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you. 8This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.
9"As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. 10If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love. 11I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. 12My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. 13Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. 14You are my friends if you do what I command. 15I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. 16You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit—fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. 17This is my command: Love each other
It has been a most uplifting journey.
Sharing and caring with what are like family and in my heart always my friends.
What started out as just doing; turned into a fulfilling God filled adventure.
To give is always better then to receive. Many of us know we can never get time back.
But for me and the others that pulled together to make things happen; just showing up willing to serve was the ultimate gift of all.
I personally could not have done my part; without all those who dedicated their time
To Speak
To worship
To sing’
To play in the band
To light candles
And to come and be fed or to just be themselves
I have many thanks to all; and to my God above for this door he opened and allowed me to walk through during the Vine Service / Vine Café cycle.
I can not imagine where I would have been, if I was not able to grow during this time with everyone who pulled this together. Thank you all; Thank you Jesus!
With all that I am, All that I was always then, always now, always me Kelly
The Vine and the Branches
1"I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. 2He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes[a] so that it will be even more fruitful. 3You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. 4Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.
5"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. 6If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. 7If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you. 8This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.
9"As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. 10If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love. 11I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. 12My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. 13Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. 14You are my friends if you do what I command. 15I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. 16You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit—fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. 17This is my command: Love each other
Monday, September 28, 2009
2009-Everything Comes Full Circle; Pray about your Choices(PrayersThoughts_PiecesofMe_AlwaysMeKelly)
Do you ever feel like you don’t know whether to just quit or continue the battle?
Where you are not one to give up or give in.
But you have to accept defeat in some situations, because there is no way to win.
Do you ever feel the pains of choices once made?
Kind of like when you've lost an important race.
No matter what you do, no matter what you say.
Things just won’t get back on track and the garbage just won’t go away.
I have to refer a song.
Where I may stumble; I may fall down; but I will not be moved!
I have made mistakes; and have faced heartaches but I will not be moved!
I know we all have demons in our closet.
No matter how badly we try to get it right.
It just never disappears from our sight.
Perhaps not anything terrible to most
But to us they leave us feeling as a surrogate host.
You know they are always out there even if they really are not your own.
Which leaves second guessing, always testing always looking for new ways to make something not broken better.
What is that; if it is not broken; don’t mess with it; don’t fix it.
So why do we constantly strive to make things as good as the next guy?
Leaving us in a vicious circle
Of self inflicted wounds; guilt from lack of knowledge
Anger at yourself so that there is no room for others to point out
Sometimes our choices make us look like fools.
It is not the end; there is no doom and gloom
But for crying out loud will the next time around be prayerfully thought out
And that there is nothing so important in life that must by pass prayerful thoughts or be rushed.
Where you are not one to give up or give in.
But you have to accept defeat in some situations, because there is no way to win.
Do you ever feel the pains of choices once made?
Kind of like when you've lost an important race.
No matter what you do, no matter what you say.
Things just won’t get back on track and the garbage just won’t go away.
I have to refer a song.
Where I may stumble; I may fall down; but I will not be moved!
I have made mistakes; and have faced heartaches but I will not be moved!
I know we all have demons in our closet.
No matter how badly we try to get it right.
It just never disappears from our sight.
Perhaps not anything terrible to most
But to us they leave us feeling as a surrogate host.
You know they are always out there even if they really are not your own.
Which leaves second guessing, always testing always looking for new ways to make something not broken better.
What is that; if it is not broken; don’t mess with it; don’t fix it.
So why do we constantly strive to make things as good as the next guy?
Leaving us in a vicious circle
Of self inflicted wounds; guilt from lack of knowledge
Anger at yourself so that there is no room for others to point out
Sometimes our choices make us look like fools.
It is not the end; there is no doom and gloom
But for crying out loud will the next time around be prayerfully thought out
And that there is nothing so important in life that must by pass prayerful thoughts or be rushed.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
2009-Giving Thanks Daily(PrayersThoughts_PiecesofMe_AlwaysMeKelly)
I thank God daily he never allowed my heart to be hardened!
Although somedays it is like a bitter pill to swallow; when it comes to just day to day and how so many beautiful people waste their lives; or are so lost they don't know what it is like to open their hearts or eyes to kindness.
I remember how I was from my childhood through my teen years.
How wasteful and wasted I walked around always. How all I could see was the pain, the hurt, the loneliness that had always been with me.
And how I felt no one really cared, so if I were going to live, it had to be dangeroulsy. That life was painful so if I died it really did not matter.
No mother around, a father that threw us away. All there were drugs, and alcohol and what ever we could find to entertain ourselves.
We would hang out with those who we thought were better then us, and on some days judged us as so. For what we had or didn't have. For where we lived or couldn't live.
We grew up tough, wreckless where one day those we thought were your best friend, the next you were fighting for respect.
How funny those we thought were better then us turned out to have the same problems or worse then we could have ever imagined.
But in the end it didn't matter. Brokeness was all we knew and all we used for the excuse to party.
The sad part was this was the way of life. We grew together wasting a life with no one to guide us back. We took every bit of hurt and let downs from what was suppose to be our family and built walls all around us.
We placed ourselves at risk day in and day out. Can I tell you how many adults really are out there to take advantage of children. Sickening, and sad!
We as kids, never really caring what would happen next. Because no one cared anyway.
Broken arms, broken legs, dislocated jaw, stitches, being thrown from a van that rolled on the way home from a party 4 days before my 15th birthday. And none of it really mattered.
It was all just part of the process, that was what life was all about. After all when you grow up with nothing, and you know what it is like to live in a house in the middle of a New York winter with no heat or hot water.
And all you can remember is how the friend your mother had ruined your life, to what you swore many times was forever. remembering what it was like at 10 years old with no to rescue you no one ever came when you cried out. There was never anything to live for.
I thank God every day that over the years he; God gave me light, he changed my life, and he showed me just how differant it really should be. He gave me the opportunities of wrong and right. He kept me alive so many times!
I don't know when, I dont' know how. Lord knows I was hard headed and tried to fill so many gaps along the way. Giving in Giving up so many times to what was wrong.
And even though I changed dramatically when I decided the only way I could stay alive was to have children, even though I knew it was a risk I may die during child birth.
He blessed me. But like many, all I knew was the world, and it took me years to get in the good book. It took me years to trust anyone much less an organization or a church or anyone within.
Although I tried on many times, even tought Sunday school at one point. But it was just not my time. I still held on to the dependency finding someone in need, and enabled just because I needed a full family, something I never had. And when my childs father turned dangerous and placed my child in harms way. I would go and years later try again with having my second child.
My theme, that in shortn was nothing but wreckless free will choices.
For years thinking I could do it all, that it would never matter what anyone else would do around me, that I would be fine, I could handle it.
How funny the pain felt when reality set in. To know what it is like to have a gun held to your head, to have someone you love try to stab you with an ice pick in the shower, to have mental and physical degrading abuse. To have them hurt what was your life your children. And the day you come home to have your son crying to please take you out of the home you were trying to maintain because your husband was beating him. And all you ever knew snapped and went after the man that turned you into a rag doll. Yet you were given strength to stand tall and just look and tell them you hoped they felt like a real man now. And leave with absolutely nothing because he controlled everything.
I thank God my heart never hardened as the pain crushed me for I swore if I ever married it would be once and only once. Yet to save my children, I walked away.
To go home and know for the first time the only thing my mother could ever say was how how bad I looked all the time and that I needed to do something with myself. Even when she knew everything I ever had was gone not even a car left as he took everything from me, everything but my childrens lives or the clothes on our back.
Time went on, and I ran into one of my old buddies from when I was a kid, he helped me back on his feet. Yes that is right. We moved in together and everything was in my name, he helped get furniture and setup as I paid all the bills and before it was over I would marry him out of obligation. Almost seven years then one day he just didn't come home anymore. I don't blame him, I never was in love with him. I loved him as a friend and went through the motions. I owed him whatever I could give back.
Unfortunately those years cost my life and my children's life so much more. Because all that we had was in my name and all the bills and there were many as we lived like the Jone's and myself and children paid dearly.
Thank God he never allowed my heart to be hardened.
Although I crashed and burned. As it was soon after husband number 2 was out of my life when my independence came to a screeching halt.
I lost my job of almost 11 years do to outsourcing.
I was torn. and although I am not proud, I returned to the world of drinking.
I quit as at this time my son moved away from me, my daughter was acting out and I just quit. I buried myself, even though I would walk around the corner and go to church twice a week and just sit there asking for a sign.
Then one day I packed it all up and came to Florida. Thinking geographics would fix things.
It was a hard lesson the the first year I arrived. Totally starting over and fighting with drinking, slowly losing my daughter to drugs and alcohol. And my son already left me.
My daughter; She hated me for allowing her father to come back in her life; and he turned out to being a mean nasty man when he got drinking. Which was every other visit. Never knowing her for the first 10 years and he decides to tell her she is the worse form of life and doesn't be allowed to live; or he was going to leave her in the middle of the moutians where they went camping. So not only was she acting out, but angry for me not protecting her. And all I could do is bury myself with work and when not working partying. hiding in the good times going back into the world. Yet even then I crashed and burned; When it was not until the evening my daughter could not wake me up off the floor because I was so drunk and passed out she thought I was dead. She called blind Pete to ask what should she do.
I eventually got up; Only because someone somewhere had been praying for me.
Not sure how, but that evening I went falling to my knees and crying out, screaming more like it at God.
Crying for everything I had ever went through as a child, for everything I ever caused myself, for everything I did to my children when I quit.
Cried out why me! What did I ever do to be have the life I had. And what did I need to do to change. Asking God to please give me help.
I thank God daily for never allowing me to harden my heart, although it is has a wall around it. He showed me what life was.
No matter how much I messed up, he kept me strong, he kept me differant, he kept me alive.
He built the relationships with my children. And finally allowed me to learn how to communicate. For years I never knew what deep intimate relationships were.
I knew there was love, the caring and sharing for my brother and sister. The pain and fear for my children. But finally to know peace.
Sometimes you have to go through many lessons, much pain and even then sometimes even when you don't realize it. When he can't get through to you, he will go through your children and family or those you really have a deep feeling for.
I thank God he has carried me and my family through all the storms. And although I know the waves will continually come, and some days I will be on my knees crying out again. My father my God will always be there to pick me up.
So when I feel the pains of my friends or family members; when their children or loved one's are going through the demons motions of the world. It pains me; with bitter sweet memories to know just how blessed I have been.
It angers me to know just how stupid and lost they are no matter how God knocks on their doors.
I pray for all my brothers and sisters who know what I am talking about. For I am not alone. Somewhere sometime, someone with experience a death because of the ugliness of this world, some will slowly kill themselves or someone else with their drinking and drugging. Children will be neglected, abused, barely make it out alive, but those that do. I pray God has a plan for them to be a shining light on this dark path.
For those that are so lonely growing up feeling like everything they ever got close to; left them for whatever the reason. May God come into their life early and save them.
For those used and abused by people that are suppose to protect and comfort them. May those doing the harm suffer a much more painful punishment. May all my brothers and sisters in Christ. Never turn away just because they are not like those in great need of even just one hug, or someone to just hear thier cries.
For I give thanks daily, I am still breathing, I still have dreams and desires, for the angels that were on my path along the way and shared 5 minutes of kindness, a hug, food. For what ever the trigger or cause was that made it a point that I had to prove all those who judged me wrong, as to who I was, what I was or where I would end up. For Only God knew and knows.
I thank God daily, I strived for an education and something better in this life then what everyone else had. Even when I struggled at times to be differant.
I thank God daily, for answered prayers that he keep me alive to have children, that he keep me alive to raise my children, and on those times I just wanted to die, He did not listen. Including all the wreckless wasteful worldly occassions. Or just the hours of laying alone in the delivery rooms having my children alone.
I thank God daily, for not allowing my heart to be come hard! Knowing how much I still dream, love, imagine, pray for. And feel good bad or indifferant.
And especially knowing he has allowed me to become past what others think. And fully know there is only one judge in this universe. And of those people of the world think they are it. That is okay. As I will pray and give thanks for knowing they care in their own special way. And redirect what is a waste to hopefully giving back in appreciation knowing my father Lives within me.
kfairfield9-6-2009
With all that I am, All that I was always then, always now, always me Kelly
Although somedays it is like a bitter pill to swallow; when it comes to just day to day and how so many beautiful people waste their lives; or are so lost they don't know what it is like to open their hearts or eyes to kindness.
I remember how I was from my childhood through my teen years.
How wasteful and wasted I walked around always. How all I could see was the pain, the hurt, the loneliness that had always been with me.
And how I felt no one really cared, so if I were going to live, it had to be dangeroulsy. That life was painful so if I died it really did not matter.
No mother around, a father that threw us away. All there were drugs, and alcohol and what ever we could find to entertain ourselves.
We would hang out with those who we thought were better then us, and on some days judged us as so. For what we had or didn't have. For where we lived or couldn't live.
We grew up tough, wreckless where one day those we thought were your best friend, the next you were fighting for respect.
How funny those we thought were better then us turned out to have the same problems or worse then we could have ever imagined.
But in the end it didn't matter. Brokeness was all we knew and all we used for the excuse to party.
The sad part was this was the way of life. We grew together wasting a life with no one to guide us back. We took every bit of hurt and let downs from what was suppose to be our family and built walls all around us.
We placed ourselves at risk day in and day out. Can I tell you how many adults really are out there to take advantage of children. Sickening, and sad!
We as kids, never really caring what would happen next. Because no one cared anyway.
Broken arms, broken legs, dislocated jaw, stitches, being thrown from a van that rolled on the way home from a party 4 days before my 15th birthday. And none of it really mattered.
It was all just part of the process, that was what life was all about. After all when you grow up with nothing, and you know what it is like to live in a house in the middle of a New York winter with no heat or hot water.
And all you can remember is how the friend your mother had ruined your life, to what you swore many times was forever. remembering what it was like at 10 years old with no to rescue you no one ever came when you cried out. There was never anything to live for.
I thank God every day that over the years he; God gave me light, he changed my life, and he showed me just how differant it really should be. He gave me the opportunities of wrong and right. He kept me alive so many times!
I don't know when, I dont' know how. Lord knows I was hard headed and tried to fill so many gaps along the way. Giving in Giving up so many times to what was wrong.
And even though I changed dramatically when I decided the only way I could stay alive was to have children, even though I knew it was a risk I may die during child birth.
He blessed me. But like many, all I knew was the world, and it took me years to get in the good book. It took me years to trust anyone much less an organization or a church or anyone within.
Although I tried on many times, even tought Sunday school at one point. But it was just not my time. I still held on to the dependency finding someone in need, and enabled just because I needed a full family, something I never had. And when my childs father turned dangerous and placed my child in harms way. I would go and years later try again with having my second child.
My theme, that in shortn was nothing but wreckless free will choices.
For years thinking I could do it all, that it would never matter what anyone else would do around me, that I would be fine, I could handle it.
How funny the pain felt when reality set in. To know what it is like to have a gun held to your head, to have someone you love try to stab you with an ice pick in the shower, to have mental and physical degrading abuse. To have them hurt what was your life your children. And the day you come home to have your son crying to please take you out of the home you were trying to maintain because your husband was beating him. And all you ever knew snapped and went after the man that turned you into a rag doll. Yet you were given strength to stand tall and just look and tell them you hoped they felt like a real man now. And leave with absolutely nothing because he controlled everything.
I thank God my heart never hardened as the pain crushed me for I swore if I ever married it would be once and only once. Yet to save my children, I walked away.
To go home and know for the first time the only thing my mother could ever say was how how bad I looked all the time and that I needed to do something with myself. Even when she knew everything I ever had was gone not even a car left as he took everything from me, everything but my childrens lives or the clothes on our back.
Time went on, and I ran into one of my old buddies from when I was a kid, he helped me back on his feet. Yes that is right. We moved in together and everything was in my name, he helped get furniture and setup as I paid all the bills and before it was over I would marry him out of obligation. Almost seven years then one day he just didn't come home anymore. I don't blame him, I never was in love with him. I loved him as a friend and went through the motions. I owed him whatever I could give back.
Unfortunately those years cost my life and my children's life so much more. Because all that we had was in my name and all the bills and there were many as we lived like the Jone's and myself and children paid dearly.
Thank God he never allowed my heart to be hardened.
Although I crashed and burned. As it was soon after husband number 2 was out of my life when my independence came to a screeching halt.
I lost my job of almost 11 years do to outsourcing.
I was torn. and although I am not proud, I returned to the world of drinking.
I quit as at this time my son moved away from me, my daughter was acting out and I just quit. I buried myself, even though I would walk around the corner and go to church twice a week and just sit there asking for a sign.
Then one day I packed it all up and came to Florida. Thinking geographics would fix things.
It was a hard lesson the the first year I arrived. Totally starting over and fighting with drinking, slowly losing my daughter to drugs and alcohol. And my son already left me.
My daughter; She hated me for allowing her father to come back in her life; and he turned out to being a mean nasty man when he got drinking. Which was every other visit. Never knowing her for the first 10 years and he decides to tell her she is the worse form of life and doesn't be allowed to live; or he was going to leave her in the middle of the moutians where they went camping. So not only was she acting out, but angry for me not protecting her. And all I could do is bury myself with work and when not working partying. hiding in the good times going back into the world. Yet even then I crashed and burned; When it was not until the evening my daughter could not wake me up off the floor because I was so drunk and passed out she thought I was dead. She called blind Pete to ask what should she do.
I eventually got up; Only because someone somewhere had been praying for me.
Not sure how, but that evening I went falling to my knees and crying out, screaming more like it at God.
Crying for everything I had ever went through as a child, for everything I ever caused myself, for everything I did to my children when I quit.
Cried out why me! What did I ever do to be have the life I had. And what did I need to do to change. Asking God to please give me help.
I thank God daily for never allowing me to harden my heart, although it is has a wall around it. He showed me what life was.
No matter how much I messed up, he kept me strong, he kept me differant, he kept me alive.
He built the relationships with my children. And finally allowed me to learn how to communicate. For years I never knew what deep intimate relationships were.
I knew there was love, the caring and sharing for my brother and sister. The pain and fear for my children. But finally to know peace.
Sometimes you have to go through many lessons, much pain and even then sometimes even when you don't realize it. When he can't get through to you, he will go through your children and family or those you really have a deep feeling for.
I thank God he has carried me and my family through all the storms. And although I know the waves will continually come, and some days I will be on my knees crying out again. My father my God will always be there to pick me up.
So when I feel the pains of my friends or family members; when their children or loved one's are going through the demons motions of the world. It pains me; with bitter sweet memories to know just how blessed I have been.
It angers me to know just how stupid and lost they are no matter how God knocks on their doors.
I pray for all my brothers and sisters who know what I am talking about. For I am not alone. Somewhere sometime, someone with experience a death because of the ugliness of this world, some will slowly kill themselves or someone else with their drinking and drugging. Children will be neglected, abused, barely make it out alive, but those that do. I pray God has a plan for them to be a shining light on this dark path.
For those that are so lonely growing up feeling like everything they ever got close to; left them for whatever the reason. May God come into their life early and save them.
For those used and abused by people that are suppose to protect and comfort them. May those doing the harm suffer a much more painful punishment. May all my brothers and sisters in Christ. Never turn away just because they are not like those in great need of even just one hug, or someone to just hear thier cries.
For I give thanks daily, I am still breathing, I still have dreams and desires, for the angels that were on my path along the way and shared 5 minutes of kindness, a hug, food. For what ever the trigger or cause was that made it a point that I had to prove all those who judged me wrong, as to who I was, what I was or where I would end up. For Only God knew and knows.
I thank God daily, I strived for an education and something better in this life then what everyone else had. Even when I struggled at times to be differant.
I thank God daily, for answered prayers that he keep me alive to have children, that he keep me alive to raise my children, and on those times I just wanted to die, He did not listen. Including all the wreckless wasteful worldly occassions. Or just the hours of laying alone in the delivery rooms having my children alone.
I thank God daily, for not allowing my heart to be come hard! Knowing how much I still dream, love, imagine, pray for. And feel good bad or indifferant.
And especially knowing he has allowed me to become past what others think. And fully know there is only one judge in this universe. And of those people of the world think they are it. That is okay. As I will pray and give thanks for knowing they care in their own special way. And redirect what is a waste to hopefully giving back in appreciation knowing my father Lives within me.
kfairfield9-6-2009
With all that I am, All that I was always then, always now, always me Kelly
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
2009-NOW AND AGAIN(PrayersThoughts_PiecesofMe_AlwaysMeKelly)
Every now and again, especially as I wander through some of the things that use to cross my mind.
I wonder what the heck was I thinking.
Although time wise some of the dates really are not that far away.
But for me it seems like an eternity.
Continual writings about looking for that special someone to share my life with.
My soul mate.
It is not far fetched, or even out of the norm.
And I believe every young girl, Young lady or women go through this when they are raised with out a father figure in their life.
I can only state I came from a single parent, no parent family.
Youngest of three, with my sister being the care taker, mother figure and protector.
when she was only four years older then me. With a brother in between us.
I have always loved my sister dearly, although we don't see each other every day and sometimes don't even talk. We have a bond closer then some families that seem to have it all together.
I can tell you from my good, bad and indifferent experiences of life.
I spent years, and lakes worth of tears. With a broken heart wishing and wondering why my father just walked out and discarded us as he did.
As I grew and got involved with the opposite sex; I was easily crushed and always just accepted whatever was thrown my way. Because I felt it was all I was ever good enough for.
It took years, of broken bad relationships, and divorce. To gain my self worth.
And I can't even tell you exactly what triggered the change.
Life was just that; the same old status quot.
But one day I had just had enough of fake; wasteful temporary relationships of every kind.
I continually worked my tail off for everything, at first just to have it all; then later to keep it all.
I always was spiritual; but never really committed to any one church or religous affiliation.
I always helped everyone and their brother; but none that really needed or cared I was helping in the end.
Until something came over me; and one day I just realized all the searching; tears; were no more.
God spoke to me; and allowed me to understand; I was never alone.
All those poems I once wrote about I would rather be alone then with someone and lonely.
He finally filled something in me; Gave me strength; courage; and took away the longing to have that forever partner that would be the man of my dreams.
Be there for me whenever I was in need, comfort me when times were fearful or just tough.
Hold me and love me for me.
He let me know he had be doing that all my life.
Though the stories are many; from the un-Godly dangers I survived as a child.
To the good looking bad boys that generally I had to recover from.
He opened so many doors of communication; showing me I am not alone and the many blessings that await me. If only I believe!
Every now and again; I still long for that special someone to share intimate moments with. Special memories but I know I am not who I once was.
I know even though I made alot of bad choices to do things my; He has carried me through it all and set me free of the bondage.
Sure every now and again when times are tough I wonder what would happen if I had never changed.
Then I realize I should have been dead several times in my life. And God had a purpose for me. He kept me alive.
I mattered, and not just to people but to my maker.
As a young girl I would cry wondering why everything I had gotten close to would go away.
As a women I built a huge wall to keep anyone from ever getting close again.
Yet the more I want to know Jesus the more I want to be around everyone to share life.
I can say that if I could do it over and know what I know now. The most important thing I would do. Is raise my children with biblicle knowledge.
Instead of thinking I could do it all on my own. Because although I did a really good job with what I had to work with. I never had a childhood, I never had security, I never had until my 30s a glimpse of peace.
I spent my life searching for what would fill in that last puzzle peace and working my tail off to correct the fall out because it wasn't the right one.
If there would be anything I could ever tell any Father.
Never leave your children no matter what. You don't have to be there all the time.
But when you are be present; and make it about the quality of time together.
Make them matter. Especially the daughters.
And for the young ladies. Oh I could go on forever.
But first never play second best to anything or anyone.
never put yourself out thinking you will get all you need in return.
Because in the end it is the relationship with Jesus Christ and the bond you make by getting into a really good bible church. That teaches the bible and not religion.
Then surround yourself with positive Godly family people.
It does not matter if you are young or old. Just do it.
You don't have to put yourself out there to be part of something real.
Just be real yourself.
You see ever now and again.
I can hardly get up from the injuries I have endured.
I can hardly breath not knowing why things in my youth happened.
I can hardly sit still due to the anticipation of all the things I have to get done, and give back.
Because my God has given me life. And I know I will never be worthy enough and I wonder when it will end.
It is a crazy way to live. But I have an inner peace with me always that just can't be explained. But I have lived, loved, laughed, cried and been blessed with God's legacy to leave when I am gone.
And for now if God chooses to bless me in unity with someone. Well I am human.
If He chooses not to; as I don't know why I was meant to be alone my entire life.
Well every now and then I will keep saying my prayers to change that.
And do whatever I can to give back for all the glory he has given me.
This may be a little off the wall. But better for my thoughts now then playing catch up living in the past again.
8-2009
I wonder what the heck was I thinking.
Although time wise some of the dates really are not that far away.
But for me it seems like an eternity.
Continual writings about looking for that special someone to share my life with.
My soul mate.
It is not far fetched, or even out of the norm.
And I believe every young girl, Young lady or women go through this when they are raised with out a father figure in their life.
I can only state I came from a single parent, no parent family.
Youngest of three, with my sister being the care taker, mother figure and protector.
when she was only four years older then me. With a brother in between us.
I have always loved my sister dearly, although we don't see each other every day and sometimes don't even talk. We have a bond closer then some families that seem to have it all together.
I can tell you from my good, bad and indifferent experiences of life.
I spent years, and lakes worth of tears. With a broken heart wishing and wondering why my father just walked out and discarded us as he did.
As I grew and got involved with the opposite sex; I was easily crushed and always just accepted whatever was thrown my way. Because I felt it was all I was ever good enough for.
It took years, of broken bad relationships, and divorce. To gain my self worth.
And I can't even tell you exactly what triggered the change.
Life was just that; the same old status quot.
But one day I had just had enough of fake; wasteful temporary relationships of every kind.
I continually worked my tail off for everything, at first just to have it all; then later to keep it all.
I always was spiritual; but never really committed to any one church or religous affiliation.
I always helped everyone and their brother; but none that really needed or cared I was helping in the end.
Until something came over me; and one day I just realized all the searching; tears; were no more.
God spoke to me; and allowed me to understand; I was never alone.
All those poems I once wrote about I would rather be alone then with someone and lonely.
He finally filled something in me; Gave me strength; courage; and took away the longing to have that forever partner that would be the man of my dreams.
Be there for me whenever I was in need, comfort me when times were fearful or just tough.
Hold me and love me for me.
He let me know he had be doing that all my life.
Though the stories are many; from the un-Godly dangers I survived as a child.
To the good looking bad boys that generally I had to recover from.
He opened so many doors of communication; showing me I am not alone and the many blessings that await me. If only I believe!
Every now and again; I still long for that special someone to share intimate moments with. Special memories but I know I am not who I once was.
I know even though I made alot of bad choices to do things my; He has carried me through it all and set me free of the bondage.
Sure every now and again when times are tough I wonder what would happen if I had never changed.
Then I realize I should have been dead several times in my life. And God had a purpose for me. He kept me alive.
I mattered, and not just to people but to my maker.
As a young girl I would cry wondering why everything I had gotten close to would go away.
As a women I built a huge wall to keep anyone from ever getting close again.
Yet the more I want to know Jesus the more I want to be around everyone to share life.
I can say that if I could do it over and know what I know now. The most important thing I would do. Is raise my children with biblicle knowledge.
Instead of thinking I could do it all on my own. Because although I did a really good job with what I had to work with. I never had a childhood, I never had security, I never had until my 30s a glimpse of peace.
I spent my life searching for what would fill in that last puzzle peace and working my tail off to correct the fall out because it wasn't the right one.
If there would be anything I could ever tell any Father.
Never leave your children no matter what. You don't have to be there all the time.
But when you are be present; and make it about the quality of time together.
Make them matter. Especially the daughters.
And for the young ladies. Oh I could go on forever.
But first never play second best to anything or anyone.
never put yourself out thinking you will get all you need in return.
Because in the end it is the relationship with Jesus Christ and the bond you make by getting into a really good bible church. That teaches the bible and not religion.
Then surround yourself with positive Godly family people.
It does not matter if you are young or old. Just do it.
You don't have to put yourself out there to be part of something real.
Just be real yourself.
You see ever now and again.
I can hardly get up from the injuries I have endured.
I can hardly breath not knowing why things in my youth happened.
I can hardly sit still due to the anticipation of all the things I have to get done, and give back.
Because my God has given me life. And I know I will never be worthy enough and I wonder when it will end.
It is a crazy way to live. But I have an inner peace with me always that just can't be explained. But I have lived, loved, laughed, cried and been blessed with God's legacy to leave when I am gone.
And for now if God chooses to bless me in unity with someone. Well I am human.
If He chooses not to; as I don't know why I was meant to be alone my entire life.
Well every now and then I will keep saying my prayers to change that.
And do whatever I can to give back for all the glory he has given me.
This may be a little off the wall. But better for my thoughts now then playing catch up living in the past again.
8-2009
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
2009_Ethical Issues Paper 1(PrayersThoughts_PiecesofMe_AlwaysMeKelly)
Should Managers be required to take an in-depth ethics course before becoming managers?
Ethics " Generally, the study of standards of conduct and morality. In practice, ethics is descriptive of the conduct one may expect from a reasonable person under normal circumstances. In addition, many trade groups have established codes of ethics that address specific areas peculiar to their business or industry." Thus quoted straight from "THE NEW INTERNATIONAL WEBSTER'S POCKET DICTIONALRY OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE. (2002 EDITION)
Morale oblication which also is defined as "Of a commitment that will be honored because it is the right thing to do and represents the way in which reasonable people deal with one another rather than because of a legal requirement." Again quoted from "THE NEW INTERNATIONAL WEBSTER'S POCKET DICTIONALRY OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE.(2002 EDITION)
Yet in the twentieth century of today's Corporate America we canclearly see where it has and is becoming a necessity of survival to have such mandatory rulings when we look a the Enron failures of this decade. Thus indicating making it a standard procedure that managers be required to take an in-depth ethics courses before becoming managers. Would and could possibly force more positive behaviors if not make people aware of what the outcome may be. Although duly noting you can not take away any persons individualism, and therefore if they choose to act upon greed, fraud or just do not act accordingly to admit or correct issues when they do make legitimate mistakes. Then it would seem we would all fall into the Enron scandals spotlight; to forever haunt and ruin what is deemed as "Land of the Free."
When speaking of ethical behavior one should think it is more critical to reflect on all ethical and moral behaviors, rather then just for those instances of scam artists.
Those who have proved to be very good at damaging if not destroying, such large corporate icons such as Enron, Worldcom's and Arthur Anderson as just a couple examples.
Thus noting in theory, when speaking of ethics, morals or values perhaps more research should be a part of our children's education in America.
Feeling strongly that ethical behaviors should be taught at very early stages of academics and cultivated, within each of us from early childhood. To profoundly influence our actions throughout our entire life.
Giving us such training would allow us, as our conscious forms, to have the sense of moral purpose and wthat within it may guide our most personal thoughts.
Which should place us on the path to force our abilities as well as maintain and limiit our struggles throughout our journeys in life; permanently defining what is right and wrong.
Therefore, as historical events have clearly been displayed; if we do not eliminate the majority of issues early on, the "Band-Aid" effects that take place today.
Such as those which cover-up management dysfunction will no longer matter. Also noting it is my belief we will have many more opportunities to reflect back upon, when referring to the high level of crimes of all types that take place in our cultural today.
Strongly relating back to the lack of ethics and morality standards imposted or utilized by the people in America.
There is no clear percise answer in site; only notable facts that we should be exposing the conflicts and help obtain resoultion right in our own back yard before taking on the issues that occur in other countries. keeping in mind by not doing so has gotten us where we are today as Americans tyring to survive yet never knowing if and when we will utlimately survive that which is out of our control. Such as another Catastrophic war with more terrorist attacks.
In conclusion, it has taken the biggest scandal of 2002, which identified $4 billion dollars in fraud. To start the domino effect of the unethical behaviors that created such a whirlwind of publicity towards the unprecedented amount of bad loans and corporate failures from the Kmart's, Worldcom,Conseco's, and Enron's of America.
For Reality to slap us right in the face, and show us just how vulnerable we really are at a time where dynamic strength and honesty is so badly needed. Thus leaving me to wonder, what will our future bring, or will it be nothing but chaos and mayhem?
REFERENCE:
Creswell,J. Title: "A Nightmare Scenario for Banks" Subjects: "BANKS & BANKING;LOANS;DEBT;BUSINESS FAILURES;CONSUMERS;-- UNITIED STATES; AIRLINES; AUTOMOBILE INDUSTRY & TRADE; BANK PROFITS; CORPORATE DEBT; UNITED STATES"
SOURCE: "FORTUNE,3/3/2003/ VOL.147 iSSUE 4,P152,3P, 2graphs, 2c.(2002)
HYMAN, M. AND WEINER, J. TITLE: "A GOLD MEDAL FOR MANAGEMENT DYSFUNCTION"
SUBJECTS: UNITED STATES OLYMPIC COMMITTEE; WARD, Lloyd; PROFESSIONAL ETHICS; BUSINESS ETHICS; SPORTS SPONSORSHIP; CORPORATE SPONSORSHIP; UNITED STATES"
SOURCE: BUSINESS WEEK, ISSUE 3818, P62, 1P, 1C(2/3/2003)
THOMAS, C WILLIAM; MORRIS, THOMAS W.,
TITLE: "ENRON AND BEYOND: WHAT'S THE WORLD COMING TO?"
SUBJECTS: FRAUD; BUSINESS; ENTERPRISES; BUSINESS ETHICS; ACCOUNTING; UNITED STATES;
SOURCE: CPA JOURNAL, JAN2003, VOL. 73 ISSUE 1, P8,3P(2002)
AARON,J.E.(2000) "THE LITTLE BROWN COMPACT HANDBOOK(3RD ED.){REVISED CUSTOM EDITION}". BOSTON, MA: PEARSON CUSTOM PRINTING.
ENROL, SECTOR: UTILITIES>INDUSTRY: "UTILITIES-INDEPENDENT POWER PRODUCERS & MARKETERS"
ENRON CAPUSULE, http:www.hoovers.com/co/capsule/1/0,2163,10521,00.html
Ethics " Generally, the study of standards of conduct and morality. In practice, ethics is descriptive of the conduct one may expect from a reasonable person under normal circumstances. In addition, many trade groups have established codes of ethics that address specific areas peculiar to their business or industry." Thus quoted straight from "THE NEW INTERNATIONAL WEBSTER'S POCKET DICTIONALRY OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE. (2002 EDITION)
Morale oblication which also is defined as "Of a commitment that will be honored because it is the right thing to do and represents the way in which reasonable people deal with one another rather than because of a legal requirement." Again quoted from "THE NEW INTERNATIONAL WEBSTER'S POCKET DICTIONALRY OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE.(2002 EDITION)
Yet in the twentieth century of today's Corporate America we canclearly see where it has and is becoming a necessity of survival to have such mandatory rulings when we look a the Enron failures of this decade. Thus indicating making it a standard procedure that managers be required to take an in-depth ethics courses before becoming managers. Would and could possibly force more positive behaviors if not make people aware of what the outcome may be. Although duly noting you can not take away any persons individualism, and therefore if they choose to act upon greed, fraud or just do not act accordingly to admit or correct issues when they do make legitimate mistakes. Then it would seem we would all fall into the Enron scandals spotlight; to forever haunt and ruin what is deemed as "Land of the Free."
When speaking of ethical behavior one should think it is more critical to reflect on all ethical and moral behaviors, rather then just for those instances of scam artists.
Those who have proved to be very good at damaging if not destroying, such large corporate icons such as Enron, Worldcom's and Arthur Anderson as just a couple examples.
Thus noting in theory, when speaking of ethics, morals or values perhaps more research should be a part of our children's education in America.
Feeling strongly that ethical behaviors should be taught at very early stages of academics and cultivated, within each of us from early childhood. To profoundly influence our actions throughout our entire life.
Giving us such training would allow us, as our conscious forms, to have the sense of moral purpose and wthat within it may guide our most personal thoughts.
Which should place us on the path to force our abilities as well as maintain and limiit our struggles throughout our journeys in life; permanently defining what is right and wrong.
Therefore, as historical events have clearly been displayed; if we do not eliminate the majority of issues early on, the "Band-Aid" effects that take place today.
Such as those which cover-up management dysfunction will no longer matter. Also noting it is my belief we will have many more opportunities to reflect back upon, when referring to the high level of crimes of all types that take place in our cultural today.
Strongly relating back to the lack of ethics and morality standards imposted or utilized by the people in America.
There is no clear percise answer in site; only notable facts that we should be exposing the conflicts and help obtain resoultion right in our own back yard before taking on the issues that occur in other countries. keeping in mind by not doing so has gotten us where we are today as Americans tyring to survive yet never knowing if and when we will utlimately survive that which is out of our control. Such as another Catastrophic war with more terrorist attacks.
In conclusion, it has taken the biggest scandal of 2002, which identified $4 billion dollars in fraud. To start the domino effect of the unethical behaviors that created such a whirlwind of publicity towards the unprecedented amount of bad loans and corporate failures from the Kmart's, Worldcom,Conseco's, and Enron's of America.
For Reality to slap us right in the face, and show us just how vulnerable we really are at a time where dynamic strength and honesty is so badly needed. Thus leaving me to wonder, what will our future bring, or will it be nothing but chaos and mayhem?
REFERENCE:
Creswell,J. Title: "A Nightmare Scenario for Banks" Subjects: "BANKS & BANKING;LOANS;DEBT;BUSINESS FAILURES;CONSUMERS;-- UNITIED STATES; AIRLINES; AUTOMOBILE INDUSTRY & TRADE; BANK PROFITS; CORPORATE DEBT; UNITED STATES"
SOURCE: "FORTUNE,3/3/2003/ VOL.147 iSSUE 4,P152,3P, 2graphs, 2c.(2002)
HYMAN, M. AND WEINER, J. TITLE: "A GOLD MEDAL FOR MANAGEMENT DYSFUNCTION"
SUBJECTS: UNITED STATES OLYMPIC COMMITTEE; WARD, Lloyd; PROFESSIONAL ETHICS; BUSINESS ETHICS; SPORTS SPONSORSHIP; CORPORATE SPONSORSHIP; UNITED STATES"
SOURCE: BUSINESS WEEK, ISSUE 3818, P62, 1P, 1C(2/3/2003)
THOMAS, C WILLIAM; MORRIS, THOMAS W.,
TITLE: "ENRON AND BEYOND: WHAT'S THE WORLD COMING TO?"
SUBJECTS: FRAUD; BUSINESS; ENTERPRISES; BUSINESS ETHICS; ACCOUNTING; UNITED STATES;
SOURCE: CPA JOURNAL, JAN2003, VOL. 73 ISSUE 1, P8,3P(2002)
AARON,J.E.(2000) "THE LITTLE BROWN COMPACT HANDBOOK(3RD ED.){REVISED CUSTOM EDITION}". BOSTON, MA: PEARSON CUSTOM PRINTING.
ENROL, SECTOR: UTILITIES>INDUSTRY: "UTILITIES-INDEPENDENT POWER PRODUCERS & MARKETERS"
ENRON CAPUSULE, http:www.hoovers.com/co/capsule/1/0,2163,10521,00.html
1999-REFLECTIONS(PrayersThoughts_PiecesofMe_AlwaysMeKelly)
Reflections of my life sometimes fit a song.
The lyrics always seem to touch on those emotions inside.
You know the ones that are filled with emptiness, or just so wrong.
Most days feeling as vultures and thieves on my back.
Too Wasted Time, wondering just what was it I lacked.
Reflections of how I sometimes dwell too much , on all the wrong.
Not thankful for the strength, I have grown to have; not to mention just how far I have come along.
Reflectons of the dreams I once had.
Left only to wonder where is that person I once was; Where have my dreams gone.
Why have I become the person lacking trust, only to get love from the movies or a song.
A deep-set sadness dwells in my heart.
Though I will never show others; Besides where would I start?
Reflections of so-called friends.
Or those relationships I dreamed would be forever.
Only to survive with ambitions and knowledge.
Know it had been those glorious days I once captured in between the most miserable times.
This is what has compelled me to survive.
Reflections of where I once started.
That; can never be taken from me, no matter how broken hearted.
kfairfield 2-1999
The lyrics always seem to touch on those emotions inside.
You know the ones that are filled with emptiness, or just so wrong.
Most days feeling as vultures and thieves on my back.
Too Wasted Time, wondering just what was it I lacked.
Reflections of how I sometimes dwell too much , on all the wrong.
Not thankful for the strength, I have grown to have; not to mention just how far I have come along.
Reflectons of the dreams I once had.
Left only to wonder where is that person I once was; Where have my dreams gone.
Why have I become the person lacking trust, only to get love from the movies or a song.
A deep-set sadness dwells in my heart.
Though I will never show others; Besides where would I start?
Reflections of so-called friends.
Or those relationships I dreamed would be forever.
Only to survive with ambitions and knowledge.
Know it had been those glorious days I once captured in between the most miserable times.
This is what has compelled me to survive.
Reflections of where I once started.
That; can never be taken from me, no matter how broken hearted.
kfairfield 2-1999
Sunday, August 16, 2009
1999_THIS HAS TO BE A DREAM(PrayersThoughts_PiecesofMe_AlwaysMeKelly)
If I could tell you how I feel
If dreams were truly real
Life's compassion would be so ever strong
No one would ever dwell on what is wrong
From now until the end of time
Uniformed in one, that is yours and mine
A common goal, to achieve
But nothing so earth shattering, that we can not breathe
Happy to see me, so sad when you go
So scared and confused some days, of that unknown
So much alike, yet so far apart
The one thing in common, lies deep within our hearts
There is no denial
Touching, kissing, love making; we have no reason to be shy now
You wanting me; I want you
Wishing an eternity of one, not that segregated two
To be with you, anywhere, anytime
Do I hold your attention; you certainly do mine
To hear, to see, to taste to live and breathe
Lusting for you romantically
This has to be a dream, it just could not be
Something this grand, is only found in the movies
kbfairfield 4-1999
If dreams were truly real
Life's compassion would be so ever strong
No one would ever dwell on what is wrong
From now until the end of time
Uniformed in one, that is yours and mine
A common goal, to achieve
But nothing so earth shattering, that we can not breathe
Happy to see me, so sad when you go
So scared and confused some days, of that unknown
So much alike, yet so far apart
The one thing in common, lies deep within our hearts
There is no denial
Touching, kissing, love making; we have no reason to be shy now
You wanting me; I want you
Wishing an eternity of one, not that segregated two
To be with you, anywhere, anytime
Do I hold your attention; you certainly do mine
To hear, to see, to taste to live and breathe
Lusting for you romantically
This has to be a dream, it just could not be
Something this grand, is only found in the movies
kbfairfield 4-1999
1999_ISN'T THIS LIVING HELL(PrayersThoughts_PiecesofMe_AlwaysMeKelly)
Tell me this isn't living hell
The pain and torment we all go through
We all know so well
They call it the cycle of life
Most don't know what we're talking about
Those who understand just somehow stay high as a kite
For all the good in this world we see
Within time the bad over comes, doubles it has for me
Trying my best, to keep up with all of these tests
I'll never know if I am unique or just damn crazy
What ever the case may be
This living hell is taking my life, creating my insanity
kf2-1999
The pain and torment we all go through
We all know so well
They call it the cycle of life
Most don't know what we're talking about
Those who understand just somehow stay high as a kite
For all the good in this world we see
Within time the bad over comes, doubles it has for me
Trying my best, to keep up with all of these tests
I'll never know if I am unique or just damn crazy
What ever the case may be
This living hell is taking my life, creating my insanity
kf2-1999
1999_MYSTIFIED(PrayersThoughts_PiecesofMe_AlwaysMeKelly)
I have watched you watching me.
With my interests getting the best of all I do, all I see.
Thus leaves me totally mystified, which just should not be.
Such a beautiful smile you shine.
Handsomely rewarded, has purely justified you over time.
Your interests have my bewilderment.
Thus leaves me totally mystified, which just should not be.
No words you speak
Afraid are you; of a history; afraid of contact, friendship, hurt or pain.
Who knows maybe psychotic, just trying to refrain?
Curiosity is getting the best of me.
Thanks to my passion for life, or is it rules to survive?
If there is nothing to lose, there is surely nothing to gain.
No lessons to learn; leaves no room to teach.
Therefore, I approach you with foolish actions, and a few logical words to speak.
Thus leaves me totally mystified, which just should not be.
What ever the case; as strange as it seems.
You have invaded my thoughts, getting into my dreams.
Thus leaves me totally mystified, which just should not be.
Like a ghost or magic, you have somehow appeared.
Just as quickly to pull away, when I feel I am getting near.
With me left to wonder; how this is so weird.
Not a conquest, journey, or some infamous theory or rule.
Frightened are you, of me I doubt.
Maybe cautious; consumed, or not to allow anyone close, playing a game, who will be to ever find out?
Believe when I say, no one likes to be played as someone's fool.
Why do you think my actions remain so out landish, so cool?
Thus leaves me totally mystified, which just should not be.
I maybe fun, or crazy, weekend warrior, hanging with the crowd, or shoothing pool.
Living up to that bar room rule, no way; I maybe lost but I am no fool...
Those on the outside may judge as they might.
No one will ever really know me, just from a Friday or Saturday night.
All I have, all I own, I have worked hard for in all my life. I have very much so earned my pride.
Moreover, for this my ambitions I will never hide.
Not to care what others feel, think or do.
Yet my quest remains just why is it; I have come to meet you?
Knowing, if it is not meant for anything between us too to ever un-cover.
Then please let me in; even if it is only to love you as my brother.
For I really don't want that intimate bond. I just need connections to keep going on.
Thus leaves me totally mystified, which just should not be.
3-1999 kfairfield
With my interests getting the best of all I do, all I see.
Thus leaves me totally mystified, which just should not be.
Such a beautiful smile you shine.
Handsomely rewarded, has purely justified you over time.
Your interests have my bewilderment.
Thus leaves me totally mystified, which just should not be.
No words you speak
Afraid are you; of a history; afraid of contact, friendship, hurt or pain.
Who knows maybe psychotic, just trying to refrain?
Curiosity is getting the best of me.
Thanks to my passion for life, or is it rules to survive?
If there is nothing to lose, there is surely nothing to gain.
No lessons to learn; leaves no room to teach.
Therefore, I approach you with foolish actions, and a few logical words to speak.
Thus leaves me totally mystified, which just should not be.
What ever the case; as strange as it seems.
You have invaded my thoughts, getting into my dreams.
Thus leaves me totally mystified, which just should not be.
Like a ghost or magic, you have somehow appeared.
Just as quickly to pull away, when I feel I am getting near.
With me left to wonder; how this is so weird.
Not a conquest, journey, or some infamous theory or rule.
Frightened are you, of me I doubt.
Maybe cautious; consumed, or not to allow anyone close, playing a game, who will be to ever find out?
Believe when I say, no one likes to be played as someone's fool.
Why do you think my actions remain so out landish, so cool?
Thus leaves me totally mystified, which just should not be.
I maybe fun, or crazy, weekend warrior, hanging with the crowd, or shoothing pool.
Living up to that bar room rule, no way; I maybe lost but I am no fool...
Those on the outside may judge as they might.
No one will ever really know me, just from a Friday or Saturday night.
All I have, all I own, I have worked hard for in all my life. I have very much so earned my pride.
Moreover, for this my ambitions I will never hide.
Not to care what others feel, think or do.
Yet my quest remains just why is it; I have come to meet you?
Knowing, if it is not meant for anything between us too to ever un-cover.
Then please let me in; even if it is only to love you as my brother.
For I really don't want that intimate bond. I just need connections to keep going on.
Thus leaves me totally mystified, which just should not be.
3-1999 kfairfield
1999_LOOKING FOR FOREVER(PrayersThoughts_PiecesofMe_AlwaysMeKelly)
I am only human with mistakes and weaknesses of in the past.
But my future is a plan of a forever friendship, companion to last.
No games, no way, no time to play.
Sex has no meaning anymore for me.
Maybe it never did and I just didn't see.
Do you want to live?
Do you want to bond?
Do you believe two can become one?
Togehter exceeding their dreams and far beyond?
Needs are only wants of comfort.
Sharing, Caring, a forever companion and friend.
How strange the sounds when your lonely with no one around.
As it feels when your in a friendship without content.
Because we all know there is no real meaning.
We start to realize thinking back, just how it can become demeaning.
I am in my own prison, so that is why I can't relate to you.
I can't really explain, but only do.
Will I want you yes, everything, everyday. Not just bits and pieces.
With hopes someday you also would want all of me too.
Taking it as high as it gets, flying away with you as the eagles in the sky.
Or knowking I hava a guard to protect me, to hold me in those long dark nights.
Or know there really is someone willing to comfort me, washing away all those tears of fright.
Equality, in return is my lives plan.
Brining one as much happiness, dreams, sunshine in the dimmest of lights.
As long as one wishes, as long as one shows.
Forever I would be by their side never letting go.
I need nothing to survive. Because I am good at avoidence, I know how to hide.
But in all honesty for each time someone shows distrust, I die a little more inside.
Rescue me; make me once again believe.
Release yourself, set yourself free.
Let the days of kings and queens forever be.
Building a castle togehter is that so un-foretold, un-foreseen.
Not caring if it is right or wrong, for there is only one judge and in time we will see.
But only if you let go and want and we live out the dream.
I know this is only imaginary; looking for forever. as it is just pieces of me.
Kfairfield 4-1999
But my future is a plan of a forever friendship, companion to last.
No games, no way, no time to play.
Sex has no meaning anymore for me.
Maybe it never did and I just didn't see.
Do you want to live?
Do you want to bond?
Do you believe two can become one?
Togehter exceeding their dreams and far beyond?
Needs are only wants of comfort.
Sharing, Caring, a forever companion and friend.
How strange the sounds when your lonely with no one around.
As it feels when your in a friendship without content.
Because we all know there is no real meaning.
We start to realize thinking back, just how it can become demeaning.
I am in my own prison, so that is why I can't relate to you.
I can't really explain, but only do.
Will I want you yes, everything, everyday. Not just bits and pieces.
With hopes someday you also would want all of me too.
Taking it as high as it gets, flying away with you as the eagles in the sky.
Or knowking I hava a guard to protect me, to hold me in those long dark nights.
Or know there really is someone willing to comfort me, washing away all those tears of fright.
Equality, in return is my lives plan.
Brining one as much happiness, dreams, sunshine in the dimmest of lights.
As long as one wishes, as long as one shows.
Forever I would be by their side never letting go.
I need nothing to survive. Because I am good at avoidence, I know how to hide.
But in all honesty for each time someone shows distrust, I die a little more inside.
Rescue me; make me once again believe.
Release yourself, set yourself free.
Let the days of kings and queens forever be.
Building a castle togehter is that so un-foretold, un-foreseen.
Not caring if it is right or wrong, for there is only one judge and in time we will see.
But only if you let go and want and we live out the dream.
I know this is only imaginary; looking for forever. as it is just pieces of me.
Kfairfield 4-1999
1999-I OFTEN WONDER(PrayersThoughts_PiecesofMe_AlwaysMeKelly)
I often wonder what is to become of me?
Never knowing what each day will bring.
Never really planning just how it should really be;
What will ever come of me?
Life has been so strange.
Just thinking of all that has come to pass or changed.
Thinking of my youthfulness.
Will it always allow me to remain ambitious?
Happy to be alone, with such great pleasure and peace of mind.
Hating everday of my single life, more then most of the time.
Too many lessons learned.
Too many tourches burned.
What is it that will fill the empty desire I yearn?
No longer afraid to make it on my own.
Establishes at which point I have grown.
Always writing about feelings.
Or dwelled on bad dealings.
Makes me appreciate,
The great things in life I have over come to accumulate.
Never to forget, just how my life started.
Who have I become?
From all this hard work, to survive with the rest of the open minded;
Yet broken hearted.
Always thinking life was un-fair.
Always trying to believe I would never again let go and care.
How often too! I become elated, when I find an old memory, a friend, or someone I respect dearly whom is related.
How often I cry, from the sight of others pain.
How often do I try, to help those in need trying to wash away their troubles.
Like some thunderous hard rain.
Some say I should stop, be more selfish, why bother.
Because you are only driving yourself insane!
I often wonder what is to become of me?
Never knowing what each day will bring?
Never really planning just how it should really be?
What will ever come of me?
See who I am not to be treated as a laid out plain.
For I am 100% women; with abilities beyond belief.
Moreover, filled with the love for beauty in all God's creatures.
Yet special needs and desires for a Godly man.
What will ever come of me?
As I have no more best, laid plans.
Kfairfield 3-1999
Never knowing what each day will bring.
Never really planning just how it should really be;
What will ever come of me?
Life has been so strange.
Just thinking of all that has come to pass or changed.
Thinking of my youthfulness.
Will it always allow me to remain ambitious?
Happy to be alone, with such great pleasure and peace of mind.
Hating everday of my single life, more then most of the time.
Too many lessons learned.
Too many tourches burned.
What is it that will fill the empty desire I yearn?
No longer afraid to make it on my own.
Establishes at which point I have grown.
Always writing about feelings.
Or dwelled on bad dealings.
Makes me appreciate,
The great things in life I have over come to accumulate.
Never to forget, just how my life started.
Who have I become?
From all this hard work, to survive with the rest of the open minded;
Yet broken hearted.
Always thinking life was un-fair.
Always trying to believe I would never again let go and care.
How often too! I become elated, when I find an old memory, a friend, or someone I respect dearly whom is related.
How often I cry, from the sight of others pain.
How often do I try, to help those in need trying to wash away their troubles.
Like some thunderous hard rain.
Some say I should stop, be more selfish, why bother.
Because you are only driving yourself insane!
I often wonder what is to become of me?
Never knowing what each day will bring?
Never really planning just how it should really be?
What will ever come of me?
See who I am not to be treated as a laid out plain.
For I am 100% women; with abilities beyond belief.
Moreover, filled with the love for beauty in all God's creatures.
Yet special needs and desires for a Godly man.
What will ever come of me?
As I have no more best, laid plans.
Kfairfield 3-1999
1999-ETERNITY(PrayersThoughts_PiecesofMe_AlwaysMeKelly)
Time slowly creeping up on me.
Making me think all the harder.
Often I sometimes wonder.
Would it be worth any soul to barter?
My life style so unique; Yet so the same.
The daily things of life; leave me feeling at times I will go insane.
I started out so rough and hard.
Lord knows in the beginning; I did not choose that card.
Yet, here I am so alone.
Even when I have my family, my children, my home.
I want someone special, creative, dedicated.
I want someone, I can trust for anything, anytime.
Not to later, only be somehow degraded.
My female tendencies need someone handsome, someone good, someone loving and strong.
My history tells me no way will it ever happen; just stay alone.
What shall I do with the emotions I hide?
I have no more tears to cry; but only great pride.
For I have overcome so many obstacles along this ride.
This endless empty feeling will awlays be to me an eternity in time.
Kelly Fairfield 3-1999
Making me think all the harder.
Often I sometimes wonder.
Would it be worth any soul to barter?
My life style so unique; Yet so the same.
The daily things of life; leave me feeling at times I will go insane.
I started out so rough and hard.
Lord knows in the beginning; I did not choose that card.
Yet, here I am so alone.
Even when I have my family, my children, my home.
I want someone special, creative, dedicated.
I want someone, I can trust for anything, anytime.
Not to later, only be somehow degraded.
My female tendencies need someone handsome, someone good, someone loving and strong.
My history tells me no way will it ever happen; just stay alone.
What shall I do with the emotions I hide?
I have no more tears to cry; but only great pride.
For I have overcome so many obstacles along this ride.
This endless empty feeling will awlays be to me an eternity in time.
Kelly Fairfield 3-1999
1999-NEVER TELL(PrayersThoughts_PiecesofMe_AlwaysMeKelly)
Day after day, time after time.
Looking at your picture makes me wish you were once mine.
Remembering those days, from way back when.
Remembering how I feel now, is the same from then.
Why we never became a couple. Who will ever know?
But friends of the heart always, it was never a show.
Through relationships, those have gone a wry.
All the way to friends or relatives whom have left us behind.
We are still gald to be in touch, even after all this time.
Thrills and chills run up and down my spine.
When I see you as a man who is so devine.
What could I ever be thinking here?
I ask and wonder why?
For rumor's have it you always loved those barbie doll types.
Those younger then I. Something's I just will never be.
So, why even think about what tings could be.
I will only finish my life with my dreams;
Imagining is much safer, even if the cowards' way for me.
KBF 3-1999
Looking at your picture makes me wish you were once mine.
Remembering those days, from way back when.
Remembering how I feel now, is the same from then.
Why we never became a couple. Who will ever know?
But friends of the heart always, it was never a show.
Through relationships, those have gone a wry.
All the way to friends or relatives whom have left us behind.
We are still gald to be in touch, even after all this time.
Thrills and chills run up and down my spine.
When I see you as a man who is so devine.
What could I ever be thinking here?
I ask and wonder why?
For rumor's have it you always loved those barbie doll types.
Those younger then I. Something's I just will never be.
So, why even think about what tings could be.
I will only finish my life with my dreams;
Imagining is much safer, even if the cowards' way for me.
KBF 3-1999
1999 - TIMELESS MILES (PrayersThoughts_PiecesofMe_AlwaysMeKelly)
So far away, yet so close at heart.
A friendship when thought of; feels as though there was never a day apart.
Always so cool, comfortable easy going open in every way.
Dwelling on this is how it has always been, even back in the day.
Years have come to past.
Romances that never last
Ups and downs sent us in whirlwinds.
Some control some as if were puppets or someone else's clown.
Survivors we are.
No matter how easy or hard.
Overcoming it all, no matter how tough the part.
Always aware to survive we must toughen our heart.
Always hiding our needs and wants.
Painting a picture; so well like some beautiful piece of art.
So now we cross path's again.
Does it end here, or should we question.
Where is it to start?
AlwaysMeKelly 3-1999
A friendship when thought of; feels as though there was never a day apart.
Always so cool, comfortable easy going open in every way.
Dwelling on this is how it has always been, even back in the day.
Years have come to past.
Romances that never last
Ups and downs sent us in whirlwinds.
Some control some as if were puppets or someone else's clown.
Survivors we are.
No matter how easy or hard.
Overcoming it all, no matter how tough the part.
Always aware to survive we must toughen our heart.
Always hiding our needs and wants.
Painting a picture; so well like some beautiful piece of art.
So now we cross path's again.
Does it end here, or should we question.
Where is it to start?
AlwaysMeKelly 3-1999
1999-MONOGAMY(PrayersThoughts_PiecesofMe_AlwaysMeKelly)
Appetizingly desirable, I see you before me.
Hungering for the over due, over needed, hidden pleasure, of a deep passionate kiss.
So long awaited for, hoping someday it will always be.
Tantalizing images of foreplay; sparkle in my mind.
The aggressive smooth movements, feeding of my once hidden desires.
So much alike, when in motions there is no questions of any kind.
For as I melt away, you've taken control.
Leading me to places so un-foretold.
Each taste of your skin sends chills so far within.
Lusting for more, each time reminds me.
It is only you; I could ever adore.
Touching, tasting, exploring over time.
What are not only your fantasies, but also mine.
Never getting tired, or bored.
No matter what the outcome would find.
Always to show.
What did work now will make the next oh so ever divine.
Hours on end, my companion, my lover, my friend.
My desires are strong.
My will is to the end.
Taking; every drop, of energy flowing.
Nevertheless, passionately yet expressly slow.
Feeling each movement; savoring every taste.
Loving as each time was our first.
Holding memories, before we ever go.
Of those over whelming desires.
Fueling the hearts burning on fire.
Unity; just one when we wed; we become.
Nothing will ever make that come un-done.
KBF4-1999 Only if it was blessed by the father, spirit and Holy Son(2018)
With all that I am, All that I was always then, always now, always me Kelly
Hungering for the over due, over needed, hidden pleasure, of a deep passionate kiss.
So long awaited for, hoping someday it will always be.
Tantalizing images of foreplay; sparkle in my mind.
The aggressive smooth movements, feeding of my once hidden desires.
So much alike, when in motions there is no questions of any kind.
For as I melt away, you've taken control.
Leading me to places so un-foretold.
Each taste of your skin sends chills so far within.
Lusting for more, each time reminds me.
It is only you; I could ever adore.
Touching, tasting, exploring over time.
What are not only your fantasies, but also mine.
Never getting tired, or bored.
No matter what the outcome would find.
Always to show.
What did work now will make the next oh so ever divine.
Hours on end, my companion, my lover, my friend.
My desires are strong.
My will is to the end.
Taking; every drop, of energy flowing.
Nevertheless, passionately yet expressly slow.
Feeling each movement; savoring every taste.
Loving as each time was our first.
Holding memories, before we ever go.
Of those over whelming desires.
Fueling the hearts burning on fire.
Unity; just one when we wed; we become.
Nothing will ever make that come un-done.
KBF4-1999 Only if it was blessed by the father, spirit and Holy Son(2018)
With all that I am, All that I was always then, always now, always me Kelly
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
2009_Believe ~(PrayersThoughts_PiecesofMe_AlwaysMeKelly)
If we just can't see something in front of us doesn't mean we can't have it~ Just take time and look out over the horizon! Hope much like that of a pre-dawn sunrise~ As it is still dark and gray before us we look out over our shoulder; Where God has beautifully colored skies bursting with energy waiting to display!
Never Let go of faith even when you cannot explain it!
He has Always allowed me to be; As I Am; As I Was; As I Can Be; Most Importantly ~ Always Just Me ~ Kelly
Coming together is a beginning;
keeping together is progress;
working together is success.
--Henry Ford
Never Let go of faith even when you cannot explain it!
He has Always allowed me to be; As I Am; As I Was; As I Can Be; Most Importantly ~ Always Just Me ~ Kelly
Coming together is a beginning;
keeping together is progress;
working together is success.
--Henry Ford
Sunday, August 9, 2009
2001-Dear Jesus(PrayersThoughts_PiecesofMe_AlwaysMeKelly)
Dear Jesus;
I am writing to you today, because I feel more and more I never really can get out what I need to say, when I pray. Needing confirmation for over the past couple years have been so eventful.
My prayers of goals and dreams have been filled if not run over and plentiful.
But lately I am not sure what to do or how to feel.
From illness that has attacked so many friends and family, to even if my relationship is truly lasting or for real. There have been so many changes in my life. I often do life in strife.
And although I pray daily to you. I still really don't know what it is I am suppose to do.
So often I have allowed myself to live in conflict or meaningless challenge.
Constantly strugling to just hold on. Feeling what is next? Sometimes what more to go on?
I ask with understanding I know I have control. I know I should act upon what is deep within my soul.
There is no doubt of who I am. There is no doubt of my love for my children, my family, that special somone you will someday bless me with. But what is it oh Father above. When your children have went away, and there is so many disruptions, and discouragement and always questions of uncertainty.
What is the answer Father, to all the what ifs, and do they really need answers.
What about the craziness and doubt that is created from this whirlwind of life?
Especially watching all those around you become ill, dying always leaving you.
I ask you dear Jesus to please end the struggles, please help me find that peace of mind.
I am writing to you today, because I feel more and more I never really can get out what I need to say, when I pray. Needing confirmation for over the past couple years have been so eventful.
My prayers of goals and dreams have been filled if not run over and plentiful.
But lately I am not sure what to do or how to feel.
From illness that has attacked so many friends and family, to even if my relationship is truly lasting or for real. There have been so many changes in my life. I often do life in strife.
And although I pray daily to you. I still really don't know what it is I am suppose to do.
So often I have allowed myself to live in conflict or meaningless challenge.
Constantly strugling to just hold on. Feeling what is next? Sometimes what more to go on?
I ask with understanding I know I have control. I know I should act upon what is deep within my soul.
There is no doubt of who I am. There is no doubt of my love for my children, my family, that special somone you will someday bless me with. But what is it oh Father above. When your children have went away, and there is so many disruptions, and discouragement and always questions of uncertainty.
What is the answer Father, to all the what ifs, and do they really need answers.
What about the craziness and doubt that is created from this whirlwind of life?
Especially watching all those around you become ill, dying always leaving you.
I ask you dear Jesus to please end the struggles, please help me find that peace of mind.
2003 -Rationalization(PrayersThoughts_PiecesofMe_AlwaysMeKelly)
I can say in justification, I have had it all at one time or another. And for whatever the reason. Lost it, gave it away, or had it taken.
For whatever the reason I just never realized. Perhaps because I was a dreamer, believing in things that just could not fully manifest.
Wrong timing, wrong people, perhaps lack of knowledge.
No one will ever really know, as there is no time to go back.
The only sure thing, is everything I have seen, or done. People, places, things.
They have all made me who I am today.
Perhaps changing from a dreamer to living alone, with my imagination.
Perhaps a more lovable, caring emotional soul.
You see life can give and take everything you accomplish, if you let others in, to do so.
But nothing or no one could ever take the achievements that are forever buried in your soul.
Keep me at a distance, if you care not to be real, be it love, life or just a relationship.
Because I am without a doubt, for real, not looking for anything to take or steal.
I am the one, if you open that door, convincing me; I will make you always want more.
I am love, passion, need and desire. Unique admiration, silent adaptation.
Knowing if you make it in. You become the one and only - forever more.
Just remember this time; it is my savior who now guard my hearts door!
kbf 2003
With all that I am, All that I was always then, always now, always me Kelly
For whatever the reason I just never realized. Perhaps because I was a dreamer, believing in things that just could not fully manifest.
Wrong timing, wrong people, perhaps lack of knowledge.
No one will ever really know, as there is no time to go back.
The only sure thing, is everything I have seen, or done. People, places, things.
They have all made me who I am today.
Perhaps changing from a dreamer to living alone, with my imagination.
Perhaps a more lovable, caring emotional soul.
You see life can give and take everything you accomplish, if you let others in, to do so.
But nothing or no one could ever take the achievements that are forever buried in your soul.
Keep me at a distance, if you care not to be real, be it love, life or just a relationship.
Because I am without a doubt, for real, not looking for anything to take or steal.
I am the one, if you open that door, convincing me; I will make you always want more.
I am love, passion, need and desire. Unique admiration, silent adaptation.
Knowing if you make it in. You become the one and only - forever more.
Just remember this time; it is my savior who now guard my hearts door!
kbf 2003
With all that I am, All that I was always then, always now, always me Kelly
2006-What About The Children(PrayersThoughts_PiecesofMe_AlwaysMeKelly)
Monday, May 22, 2006
What About The Children --1995 copyright Heart and Soul
Category: Writing and Poetry
What about the children?
Have enough people stopped to think?
Look at the futre; like a giant ship that's about to sink. You ask what is this all about, as if you don't know.
Tell me, have you taken the time to see which way yours will go?
It is not just today! --It started long ago. But as time progresses it worsens or goes so very slow.
Babes on destruction, unleashed children everywhere.
What happened to those who do think of their mistakes, those who really did care?
It is not our children's fault; truly it did not start there. They are learning from the surroundings right here.
Think for a minute; let's not push blame. Each generation passes it as quickly, as a passing thunderous rain.
Let me now get to the point, to the bottom line! It is YOU'RE FAULT and it is MINE!
Although as a child, I did not have much of the best. I as a parent will always try not to treat my children with anything less than unconditional love, honor knowledge, and respect.
Oh, what a struggle it has been--Lost loves, material items, sometimes even my mind. Yet the only true destination and peace was to live for my children and keep them alive.
But most importantly, trying to teach them the right way to survive.
No bitterness, hatred, blame or even lies.
I don't take pity on what happened in my past; that would only haunt me with memories I wish not to last. You see; You never really forget the past. Only grow from it, using a mask; with hopes and dreams all you need to last.
So I try to learn and teach as much as any woman or man. But it's so sad and scares me to think why so few others will or even can!
I am far from perfect! As so many of us are.
But perfection takes time, and you will se the distant journey is really not that far.
All it takes is the time to find out who you really are; Where you want to be, and only at that point you really can start to see.
We should all be working together, to stay healthy and alive.
Let's try to stop the devastation and destruction to all the children around.
It only takes a minute to forget our own self-pity and hear their wonderful sound.
Or for some just to put those drinks or drugs down.
Work with the children; Listen! They have such incredible minds. And the best part is; they are OUR future. They will also help you and me Please just give them the time.
What About The Children --1995 copyright Heart and Soul
Category: Writing and Poetry
What about the children?
Have enough people stopped to think?
Look at the futre; like a giant ship that's about to sink. You ask what is this all about, as if you don't know.
Tell me, have you taken the time to see which way yours will go?
It is not just today! --It started long ago. But as time progresses it worsens or goes so very slow.
Babes on destruction, unleashed children everywhere.
What happened to those who do think of their mistakes, those who really did care?
It is not our children's fault; truly it did not start there. They are learning from the surroundings right here.
Think for a minute; let's not push blame. Each generation passes it as quickly, as a passing thunderous rain.
Let me now get to the point, to the bottom line! It is YOU'RE FAULT and it is MINE!
Although as a child, I did not have much of the best. I as a parent will always try not to treat my children with anything less than unconditional love, honor knowledge, and respect.
Oh, what a struggle it has been--Lost loves, material items, sometimes even my mind. Yet the only true destination and peace was to live for my children and keep them alive.
But most importantly, trying to teach them the right way to survive.
No bitterness, hatred, blame or even lies.
I don't take pity on what happened in my past; that would only haunt me with memories I wish not to last. You see; You never really forget the past. Only grow from it, using a mask; with hopes and dreams all you need to last.
So I try to learn and teach as much as any woman or man. But it's so sad and scares me to think why so few others will or even can!
I am far from perfect! As so many of us are.
But perfection takes time, and you will se the distant journey is really not that far.
All it takes is the time to find out who you really are; Where you want to be, and only at that point you really can start to see.
We should all be working together, to stay healthy and alive.
Let's try to stop the devastation and destruction to all the children around.
It only takes a minute to forget our own self-pity and hear their wonderful sound.
Or for some just to put those drinks or drugs down.
Work with the children; Listen! They have such incredible minds. And the best part is; they are OUR future. They will also help you and me Please just give them the time.
2006-FAITH(PrayersThoughts_PiecesofMe_AlwaysMeKelly)
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
FAITH
Current mood:Listening to puppies play
Category: Religion and Philosophy
FAITH IS HARD WORK
THE HITS JUST KEEP COMING!
IF NOT TO YOU BUT TO EVERYONE AROUND YOU.
IT IS A MUST YOU HOLD TRUE TO THE WORD OF JESUS CHRIST AND THE BLESSINGS THAT FAITH IS NOT OF OUR OWN THAT GETS US THROUGH FOR THAT GETS US INTO TROUBLE.
BUT FAITH OF OUR GOD THAT CARRIES US.
FAITH OUR GOD WILL WORK EVERYTHING OUT; FOR THE SOUL MUST REMAIN DEDICATED AND STEADFAST EVEN MORE SO THEN THAT TO OUR OWN PHYSICAL BEING. WE KNOW WHEN WE SLACK, WE ARE UNDER ATTACK.. AND IT IS FAR TOO HARD TO GET BACK.
kbf
FAITH
Current mood:Listening to puppies play
Category: Religion and Philosophy
FAITH IS HARD WORK
THE HITS JUST KEEP COMING!
IF NOT TO YOU BUT TO EVERYONE AROUND YOU.
IT IS A MUST YOU HOLD TRUE TO THE WORD OF JESUS CHRIST AND THE BLESSINGS THAT FAITH IS NOT OF OUR OWN THAT GETS US THROUGH FOR THAT GETS US INTO TROUBLE.
BUT FAITH OF OUR GOD THAT CARRIES US.
FAITH OUR GOD WILL WORK EVERYTHING OUT; FOR THE SOUL MUST REMAIN DEDICATED AND STEADFAST EVEN MORE SO THEN THAT TO OUR OWN PHYSICAL BEING. WE KNOW WHEN WE SLACK, WE ARE UNDER ATTACK.. AND IT IS FAR TOO HARD TO GET BACK.
kbf
2006-RELATIONSHIPS(PrayersThoughts_PiecesofMe_AlwaysMeKelly)
Sunday, September 10, 2006
Relationships
Current mood: complacent
Category: Religion and Philosophy
It does not matter what type of a relationship it may be. It only matters that we all understand it will take work not only from you but for me.
For if you wish not to partake taking the chances towards something that may be quick or forever last.
Then don't be a fool to yourself and when it comes to others. Have no plans to be a fake.
Soul searching we all must do. I am no different then any of you.
Divorce this is in it's own classified game. For over time what once was often changes leaving our purpose in the beginning far behind.
None of us plan to be with someone to later be alone.
But we all must not dwell but think of ways to correct on what possibly went wrong.
Bad choices, never thinking, changes over time. I can tell you this be it in this one or my next.
All future relationships must be met with our brother Jesus, with our fathers ultimate blessing from God and this does not matter on any kind.
KBF
Relationships
Current mood: complacent
Category: Religion and Philosophy
It does not matter what type of a relationship it may be. It only matters that we all understand it will take work not only from you but for me.
For if you wish not to partake taking the chances towards something that may be quick or forever last.
Then don't be a fool to yourself and when it comes to others. Have no plans to be a fake.
Soul searching we all must do. I am no different then any of you.
Divorce this is in it's own classified game. For over time what once was often changes leaving our purpose in the beginning far behind.
None of us plan to be with someone to later be alone.
But we all must not dwell but think of ways to correct on what possibly went wrong.
Bad choices, never thinking, changes over time. I can tell you this be it in this one or my next.
All future relationships must be met with our brother Jesus, with our fathers ultimate blessing from God and this does not matter on any kind.
KBF
2007-His Mere Child(PrayersThoughts_PiecesofMe_AlwaysMeKelly)
Thursday, July 19, 2007
His Mere Child
Category: Religion and Philosophy
His Mere Child
Tired are the bones growing weak
For the Lord says the earth will be
Inherited by the meek.
Abba I cry out to you;
Just give me a sign of what next to do.
This is a world so bitter, angry as a disturbed nest of killer bees.
How much more should they give, how much more will they take.
How do we rightfully ask for your mercy, love and grace?
Thank you for the faith that runs deep, within me,
For I am making it through the layers' yet times I feel as I am losing ground, as drowning in the red sea.
Abba I cry out. Jehovah Lord God,
There is so much more then me when it comes to you.
I stand tall, amongst all the obstacles, fighting my way through.
Yet I know with a whisper or even a shout.
I am not worthy enough for your reign in this life long drought.
Abba I cry out to you; just give me a sign of what next to do.
Let me be your light,
A beacon so bright that all will see you're glorious might.
For there is no better glory then you reveal,
I am living in this world, knowing only in you I have been healed.
I know there is no greater sorrow, of what if's worries of tomorrow
Or the pain, of being lost.
To acknowledge we all have been blessed;
To give it all to Jesus, for he has paid the infinite cost.
Abba I cry out. Jehovah Lord God, there is so much more then me
when it comes to you.
I pray for the lost souls
Ask for your great commission
To live, love, laugh. Stepping up where you require me too~
For there is no greater peace accepting the ultimate divine.
As you have answered every single prayer of mine, every single time.
Thank you Jesus! The Father, Son and Holy Spirit.
May all be as blessed as I, working through all suffering with despair.
With faith so strong, unconditional love that no words need be said, when moving forward moving on. With abilities as You to see, taste and hear.
Most importantly for me always to forever care.
kbf 7-2007
With all that I am, All that I was always then, always now, always me Kelly
His Mere Child
Category: Religion and Philosophy
His Mere Child
Tired are the bones growing weak
For the Lord says the earth will be
Inherited by the meek.
Abba I cry out to you;
Just give me a sign of what next to do.
This is a world so bitter, angry as a disturbed nest of killer bees.
How much more should they give, how much more will they take.
How do we rightfully ask for your mercy, love and grace?
Thank you for the faith that runs deep, within me,
For I am making it through the layers' yet times I feel as I am losing ground, as drowning in the red sea.
Abba I cry out. Jehovah Lord God,
There is so much more then me when it comes to you.
I stand tall, amongst all the obstacles, fighting my way through.
Yet I know with a whisper or even a shout.
I am not worthy enough for your reign in this life long drought.
Abba I cry out to you; just give me a sign of what next to do.
Let me be your light,
A beacon so bright that all will see you're glorious might.
For there is no better glory then you reveal,
I am living in this world, knowing only in you I have been healed.
I know there is no greater sorrow, of what if's worries of tomorrow
Or the pain, of being lost.
To acknowledge we all have been blessed;
To give it all to Jesus, for he has paid the infinite cost.
Abba I cry out. Jehovah Lord God, there is so much more then me
when it comes to you.
I pray for the lost souls
Ask for your great commission
To live, love, laugh. Stepping up where you require me too~
For there is no greater peace accepting the ultimate divine.
As you have answered every single prayer of mine, every single time.
Thank you Jesus! The Father, Son and Holy Spirit.
May all be as blessed as I, working through all suffering with despair.
With faith so strong, unconditional love that no words need be said, when moving forward moving on. With abilities as You to see, taste and hear.
Most importantly for me always to forever care.
kbf 7-2007
With all that I am, All that I was always then, always now, always me Kelly
2007 - EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON(PrayersThoughts_PiecesofMe_AlwaysMeKelly)
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Everything happens for a reason
Category: Religion and Philosophy
EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON.
BUT IF YOU MUST ANALYZE AND LIVE BY A PHILOSOPHY... LIFE IN CONTEXT WOULD BE:
IN BACK OF EVERY NOBLE LIFE THERE ARE PRINCIPLES THAT FASHIONED IT.
BASED ON MISSIONS, ROLES, GOALS, PROACTIVITY.
BEGINNINGS WITH AN END IN MIND, PUTTING FIRST THINGS FIRST, THINKING WIN-WIN.
SEEKING FIRST TO UNDERSTAND BEFORE BEING UNDERSTOOD.
SYNERGIZING AND TO DO WHAT THE EXPERTS CALL THE CONTINUAL CIRCLE OF LIFE.
BETTER KNOWN AS SHARPENING THE SAW; IN THE DIMENSION OF RENEWAL WITH AND ONLY THROUGH JESUS CHRIST AS YOUR GUIDE.
AFTER ALL IT WAS HE WHO DIED TO ALLOW US LIFE
Everything happens for a reason
Category: Religion and Philosophy
EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON.
BUT IF YOU MUST ANALYZE AND LIVE BY A PHILOSOPHY... LIFE IN CONTEXT WOULD BE:
IN BACK OF EVERY NOBLE LIFE THERE ARE PRINCIPLES THAT FASHIONED IT.
BASED ON MISSIONS, ROLES, GOALS, PROACTIVITY.
BEGINNINGS WITH AN END IN MIND, PUTTING FIRST THINGS FIRST, THINKING WIN-WIN.
SEEKING FIRST TO UNDERSTAND BEFORE BEING UNDERSTOOD.
SYNERGIZING AND TO DO WHAT THE EXPERTS CALL THE CONTINUAL CIRCLE OF LIFE.
BETTER KNOWN AS SHARPENING THE SAW; IN THE DIMENSION OF RENEWAL WITH AND ONLY THROUGH JESUS CHRIST AS YOUR GUIDE.
AFTER ALL IT WAS HE WHO DIED TO ALLOW US LIFE
2008-Who Am I (PrayersThoughts_PiecesofMe_AlwaysMeKelly)
Who Am I;
I shall clarify; I am someone who has been there done that and choose not to return to what has no meaning.
When I love, I love with all I have.
When I speak with you; it is because I have opened my heart in trust. For I can hold conversations with everyone willingly or as a must. I am good at it and do it very much. But when we speak in confidence.
I don't expect to hear what was said come out of someone else's mouth or pen.
I have no hidden agenda's I can talk with anyone and shall answer with my own voice. So why would it be right to allow gossip, share information, noise to be accepted and expect me to trust you to be a so called friend.
My life it is what it is. As I have been there done that and choose not to go back again.
If you choose to end my trust you shall never be part of my life or considered a friend. Saying hey in passing is not even a beginning.
If you are concerned I suggest you come to me; and make sure your reasons for concern are nothing more then being involved as a busy bee. As we have all heard misery always loves company.
Don't try pulling me in on that ride. Because I am on a mission to live. No joke no lie!
I will never be rude; or call you out. But I shall not back down either; There is no doubt.
There are some I have known and love for my entire life. May not always see or speak with them for years but they will always tell you I am straight and fear not but appreciate.
So don't over judge or under estimate.
I have been told my heart is too big. Even when it was failing and they didn't know how long I would make it or if I could live.
But all in all I will do my best; Until you try to consume me in your mess. or if you routinely expect my kindness.
I am not perfect; in fact just a mare human.
And no matter how often I conversate or even pray for you. You are a stranger and shall always be.
For anything more will be work; and nothing good in this life is for free. For all good there is sacrafice. I will when I choose always pay my price.
I am far from perfect; doing as much as I can when I can where I can. I love my family, my children,with every breath I receive. MY God has blessed me; no matter who you think you are or what you can give or bring.
So with that said. There is only one Judge I answer too.
I can assure you with all due respect. It is not You.
I may care for you, wishing to be your friend, through to the end. But let's clarify ~ you owe me nothing nor do I you.
So I suggest if you wish to know me ~ no matter what; always be you, always be true, always step up, always treat me with respect, with trust, with the love that I show you. Don't assume there is a reason behind my actions that pertain to anything more then just wanting to share moments with or for you.
I love people, I love places, I love things.
But due to history; I am where I am! And honestly will in the future change but for now just fine with JUST ME.
The world is a messed up place.
sometimes I take it too serious some time can't keep the smile off my face.
But with all of everything thing! I am able to work through it. Thanks to God's Love, God's Mercy; God's Grace. For me just knowing of His word That of God; Jesus, of what for thousands of years He has done, He does and will always bring. You have to be open to hear the words and understand before you can sing.
So for me; People may come people may go. Real physical loving relationships I may or may never know.
You can do allot to me; and try to ruin things right from the start.
But you can never take my blessings or the love with and for what is good, and kind, what is God deep within my heart.
My life; My choices; No hidden agenda's brain washed mystical voices.
Pray for me; AS I for you; wish you abundent blessings of nothing but good.
I shall clarify; I am someone who has been there done that and choose not to return to what has no meaning.
When I love, I love with all I have.
When I speak with you; it is because I have opened my heart in trust. For I can hold conversations with everyone willingly or as a must. I am good at it and do it very much. But when we speak in confidence.
I don't expect to hear what was said come out of someone else's mouth or pen.
I have no hidden agenda's I can talk with anyone and shall answer with my own voice. So why would it be right to allow gossip, share information, noise to be accepted and expect me to trust you to be a so called friend.
My life it is what it is. As I have been there done that and choose not to go back again.
If you choose to end my trust you shall never be part of my life or considered a friend. Saying hey in passing is not even a beginning.
If you are concerned I suggest you come to me; and make sure your reasons for concern are nothing more then being involved as a busy bee. As we have all heard misery always loves company.
Don't try pulling me in on that ride. Because I am on a mission to live. No joke no lie!
I will never be rude; or call you out. But I shall not back down either; There is no doubt.
There are some I have known and love for my entire life. May not always see or speak with them for years but they will always tell you I am straight and fear not but appreciate.
So don't over judge or under estimate.
I have been told my heart is too big. Even when it was failing and they didn't know how long I would make it or if I could live.
But all in all I will do my best; Until you try to consume me in your mess. or if you routinely expect my kindness.
I am not perfect; in fact just a mare human.
And no matter how often I conversate or even pray for you. You are a stranger and shall always be.
For anything more will be work; and nothing good in this life is for free. For all good there is sacrafice. I will when I choose always pay my price.
I am far from perfect; doing as much as I can when I can where I can. I love my family, my children,with every breath I receive. MY God has blessed me; no matter who you think you are or what you can give or bring.
So with that said. There is only one Judge I answer too.
I can assure you with all due respect. It is not You.
I may care for you, wishing to be your friend, through to the end. But let's clarify ~ you owe me nothing nor do I you.
So I suggest if you wish to know me ~ no matter what; always be you, always be true, always step up, always treat me with respect, with trust, with the love that I show you. Don't assume there is a reason behind my actions that pertain to anything more then just wanting to share moments with or for you.
I love people, I love places, I love things.
But due to history; I am where I am! And honestly will in the future change but for now just fine with JUST ME.
The world is a messed up place.
sometimes I take it too serious some time can't keep the smile off my face.
But with all of everything thing! I am able to work through it. Thanks to God's Love, God's Mercy; God's Grace. For me just knowing of His word That of God; Jesus, of what for thousands of years He has done, He does and will always bring. You have to be open to hear the words and understand before you can sing.
So for me; People may come people may go. Real physical loving relationships I may or may never know.
You can do allot to me; and try to ruin things right from the start.
But you can never take my blessings or the love with and for what is good, and kind, what is God deep within my heart.
My life; My choices; No hidden agenda's brain washed mystical voices.
Pray for me; AS I for you; wish you abundent blessings of nothing but good.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
2002-ADULTRY FOOD POISONING OF THE MENU(PrayersThoughts_PiecesofMe_AlwaysMeKelly)
Oh! How they say within a commitment it is okay to look but never
touch.
But what happens when one falters’ and acts as such.
Hearts broken, tears cried. Only hearing excuses, lies as to why.
What is it in this world we live? O so much more taken then one is
Willing to give?
I say yes it is okay to always view the menu.
But never ever sample the plate.
For the poisoning you will suffer; will not endure the pain that
always turns something, once so beautiful into hate.
If you are not sure, if you just don't care, about anyone anywhere.
At least think about your pleasure is someone else's hard work,
dedication, life. You will have ruined with this affair.
Remembering the devastation created, that will someday come back and
Capture you in its snare!
Copyright ©2009 KELLY FAIRFIELD
touch.
But what happens when one falters’ and acts as such.
Hearts broken, tears cried. Only hearing excuses, lies as to why.
What is it in this world we live? O so much more taken then one is
Willing to give?
I say yes it is okay to always view the menu.
But never ever sample the plate.
For the poisoning you will suffer; will not endure the pain that
always turns something, once so beautiful into hate.
If you are not sure, if you just don't care, about anyone anywhere.
At least think about your pleasure is someone else's hard work,
dedication, life. You will have ruined with this affair.
Remembering the devastation created, that will someday come back and
Capture you in its snare!
Copyright ©2009 KELLY FAIRFIELD
2008-The Balancing Act(PrayersThoughts_PiecesofMe_AlwaysMeKelly)
How often we imagine just what it would be like on the other side.
How often are we holding good in one hand;
Out weighed in the other, by mishaps, or problems.
Learning how fast without faith, things won't make sense.
As nothing good will ever be recognized much less seem to last.
So many unnecessary struggles, craving for that piece of mind.
The balancing act can be far too long, wasting so much time.
I tell you now seek our God almighty quickly, as fast as you can.
For once you do; soon all the pains you struggle with, will subside.
There will be an UN describable peace that comes
As you too will have life balanced; when you feel our Lords great divine.
Copyright ©2008 Kelly B Fairfield
How often are we holding good in one hand;
Out weighed in the other, by mishaps, or problems.
Learning how fast without faith, things won't make sense.
As nothing good will ever be recognized much less seem to last.
So many unnecessary struggles, craving for that piece of mind.
The balancing act can be far too long, wasting so much time.
I tell you now seek our God almighty quickly, as fast as you can.
For once you do; soon all the pains you struggle with, will subside.
There will be an UN describable peace that comes
As you too will have life balanced; when you feel our Lords great divine.
Copyright ©2008 Kelly B Fairfield
2005 -There is no wrong in choosing one's life (PrayersThoughts_PiecesofMe_AlwaysMeKelly)
For we are all pawns in this life of ridicule.
Statistics have proven year in and out.
It has never been any different for me, so why would it be for you.
Stop being mad, or flipping out!
Stuck; in this whirl wind, the never ending rush.
Never any stability, value, or true happiness do they find.
Always grasping what is wrong; trying to fill empty hearts or minds.
Dependents no different an end result is yours and mine.
How much are you willing to give up, lose, battle for this life.
Choose very carefully, your allies remember those pains you feel.
Those tears are cried:
For no matter how lost you become,
there are those who will always love.
Most importantly our father has sent his only son, to sacrifice.
Reach out to him, now when you just wish to hide.
There will never be any worthy judges, but HIS gracious Devine.
Copyright ©2005 Kelly B Fairfield
Statistics have proven year in and out.
It has never been any different for me, so why would it be for you.
Stop being mad, or flipping out!
Stuck; in this whirl wind, the never ending rush.
Never any stability, value, or true happiness do they find.
Always grasping what is wrong; trying to fill empty hearts or minds.
Dependents no different an end result is yours and mine.
How much are you willing to give up, lose, battle for this life.
Choose very carefully, your allies remember those pains you feel.
Those tears are cried:
For no matter how lost you become,
there are those who will always love.
Most importantly our father has sent his only son, to sacrifice.
Reach out to him, now when you just wish to hide.
There will never be any worthy judges, but HIS gracious Devine.
Copyright ©2005 Kelly B Fairfield
Sunday, April 5, 2009
2009-The Little things that count(PrayersThoughts_PiecesofMe_AlwaysMeKelly)
Well what a great sermon today about ego. How we eventually make everything personal and about us. Even when we strive to keep it about God.
I know I personally thought I was doing an awesome job about making my life God filled. And I have grown and changed by leaps and bounds.
But funny how we don't even know that we make things about us and not just wait and listen for the spirit to fill us.
The little things that count. I have changed wanting and getting everything from the material world. At one point that was all I had to matter. I sadly raised my children that way too and I can tell you they are learning and thankfully watching me now and not letting it bring them down.
But even when you stop getting all the latest gadgets and gizmos. Name brand clothes what about our reaction when someone in traffic cuts us off. Or for me convicted. As I sat in the ER yesterday all day waiting for the doctors to fix my thumb that appearantly was bitten by a spider during the night and became PAINFULLY swollen and hurt so bad I could not move it without pain and trobbing.
So because I am all about following through. I go to pre setup the Vine Cafe and me and my granddaughter go to the ER.
Sure you would think I made a committment to serve and could not just go without trying to fulfill my committment. Even though I was able to get a dear friend to cover for me.
Yet in the hospital hours of sitting waiting to just be seen much less release me and advise what can fix the thumb. I personally would have settled if they just cut it open and take out what ever was causing this issue. After all I recently just got a clean bill of health. I had been really good about not over doing anything anymore. And now this.
Yet when the doctor came back and really didn't believe I was in any danger as soon as the nurse wasn't busy he would release me. And didn't know if I just woke to a sudden case of rhumatoid arthritis or I had some infection. Even though all the signs showed infection.
It was then I started pacing asking God what is the message Lord I am to get out of this trial. If they are not going to do anything for me I had things to do, I was to be back at the Vine and my discomfort was then telling the Lord how unfair it was to have my granddaughter sitting there with me watching me in pain and them not be able to to a thing.
She is such a sweet caring soul already what was this lesson.
Then in today's message Ego and it really not being a God thing yesterday but me really close of making it a me thing. Do I walk out, do I show my anger, how do I teach my granddaughter the proper way to react in this case. YES all those things going through my head.
Then I remember back when my children were growing up, I would have been quick to snap and well it was all about me.
Finally I convince the doctor I really have been well. I have not done anything to strain the thumb any days previous I just woke up and it was that way and when I got home I looked around and found part of a spider on the floor next to the bed. I must have mushed it or something in my sleep. And not to mention I just had surgery a couple years prior and I really can not afford to wait a few more days for something worse to happen.
So am I that person quick to judge in traffic, or scanning for the quickest line in the market and get frustrated when the line takes longer. Yes unfortunately. No matter how much better I struggle to be. I still fall short along with many of my peers, friends, family. I pray I get better at this. Especially when un-meaningfully I quickly judge others when they are throwing their temper tantrum.
As for my granddaughter hopefully my telling her sometimes there just are no answers will someday have meaning. Thank you Jesus for showing what that visit at the ER was suppose to mean.
Now can you make my thumb heal quickly?
Because as I slowly get those big things out of my way. I truly find the little things will always have more lasting meaning then I could ever appreciate in this life time. Including living without pain. For I am not the tough what you gonna do kid from the streets any longer.
I just pray for simple loving memories, family and friends.
Thank you
With all that I am, All that I was always then, always now, always me Kelly
I know I personally thought I was doing an awesome job about making my life God filled. And I have grown and changed by leaps and bounds.
But funny how we don't even know that we make things about us and not just wait and listen for the spirit to fill us.
The little things that count. I have changed wanting and getting everything from the material world. At one point that was all I had to matter. I sadly raised my children that way too and I can tell you they are learning and thankfully watching me now and not letting it bring them down.
But even when you stop getting all the latest gadgets and gizmos. Name brand clothes what about our reaction when someone in traffic cuts us off. Or for me convicted. As I sat in the ER yesterday all day waiting for the doctors to fix my thumb that appearantly was bitten by a spider during the night and became PAINFULLY swollen and hurt so bad I could not move it without pain and trobbing.
So because I am all about following through. I go to pre setup the Vine Cafe and me and my granddaughter go to the ER.
Sure you would think I made a committment to serve and could not just go without trying to fulfill my committment. Even though I was able to get a dear friend to cover for me.
Yet in the hospital hours of sitting waiting to just be seen much less release me and advise what can fix the thumb. I personally would have settled if they just cut it open and take out what ever was causing this issue. After all I recently just got a clean bill of health. I had been really good about not over doing anything anymore. And now this.
Yet when the doctor came back and really didn't believe I was in any danger as soon as the nurse wasn't busy he would release me. And didn't know if I just woke to a sudden case of rhumatoid arthritis or I had some infection. Even though all the signs showed infection.
It was then I started pacing asking God what is the message Lord I am to get out of this trial. If they are not going to do anything for me I had things to do, I was to be back at the Vine and my discomfort was then telling the Lord how unfair it was to have my granddaughter sitting there with me watching me in pain and them not be able to to a thing.
She is such a sweet caring soul already what was this lesson.
Then in today's message Ego and it really not being a God thing yesterday but me really close of making it a me thing. Do I walk out, do I show my anger, how do I teach my granddaughter the proper way to react in this case. YES all those things going through my head.
Then I remember back when my children were growing up, I would have been quick to snap and well it was all about me.
Finally I convince the doctor I really have been well. I have not done anything to strain the thumb any days previous I just woke up and it was that way and when I got home I looked around and found part of a spider on the floor next to the bed. I must have mushed it or something in my sleep. And not to mention I just had surgery a couple years prior and I really can not afford to wait a few more days for something worse to happen.
So am I that person quick to judge in traffic, or scanning for the quickest line in the market and get frustrated when the line takes longer. Yes unfortunately. No matter how much better I struggle to be. I still fall short along with many of my peers, friends, family. I pray I get better at this. Especially when un-meaningfully I quickly judge others when they are throwing their temper tantrum.
As for my granddaughter hopefully my telling her sometimes there just are no answers will someday have meaning. Thank you Jesus for showing what that visit at the ER was suppose to mean.
Now can you make my thumb heal quickly?
Because as I slowly get those big things out of my way. I truly find the little things will always have more lasting meaning then I could ever appreciate in this life time. Including living without pain. For I am not the tough what you gonna do kid from the streets any longer.
I just pray for simple loving memories, family and friends.
Thank you
With all that I am, All that I was always then, always now, always me Kelly
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
2009-When I Say I am Christian
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When I Say "I Am A Christian"
by Carol Wimmer
When I say..."I am a Christian"
I'm not shouting "I am saved"
I'm whispering "I get lost!"
"That is why I chose this way."
When I say..."I am a Christian"
don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble
and need someone to be my guide.
When I say..."I am a Christian"
I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak
and pray for strength to carry on.
When I say..."I am a Christian"
I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed
and cannot ever pay the debt.
When I say..."I am a Christian"
I'm not claiming to be perfect,
my flaws are too visible
but God believes I'm worth it.
When I say..."I am a Christian"
I still feel the sting of pain
I have my share of heartaches
which is why I seek His name.
When I say..."I am a Christian"
I do not wish to judge.
I have no authority.
I only know I'm loved.
I'm not shouting "I am saved"
I'm whispering "I get lost!"
"That is why I chose this way."
When I say..."I am a Christian"
don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble
and need someone to be my guide.
When I say..."I am a Christian"
I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak
and pray for strength to carry on.
When I say..."I am a Christian"
I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed
and cannot ever pay the debt.
When I say..."I am a Christian"
I'm not claiming to be perfect,
my flaws are too visible
but God believes I'm worth it.
When I say..."I am a Christian"
I still feel the sting of pain
I have my share of heartaches
which is why I seek His name.
When I say..."I am a Christian"
I do not wish to judge.
I have no authority.
I only know I'm loved.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
2009-Waking Moments(PrayersThoughts_PiecesofMe_AlwaysMeKelly)
As I wake early this morning like every other morning.
I find myself thinking.
Most times I wake and have gotten in the habit of giving thanks to our God as soon as I know I am awake.
But this morning my thoughts were in every direction
As I lay there and wonder; why I kept coming back to a task at hand.
You see Florida's weather has been colder for longer periods of time this season.
With that the wonderful critters that dwell in the earth here are looking for warmth, water or who knows what.
As you see I am not one that does bugs well at all. So I only know that over this past month, I have been seeing big red ants appear in my one bath room one - two at a time here and there.
Except for the past couple days they have been bringing their family members now 3 and for at at time.
So here I am awake trying to talk myself out of getting out of bed for once.
Yet I find myself back in the bathroom turning the bathroom light on quickly to see what is in there and where might these unwelcomed guests be coming from.
God's creatures as like all creepy crawly things including us.
I managed to find 5 this time, and found myself climbing to reach the ceiling to kill each and everyone.
Again cleaning down the bathroom and spraying cleaners down the drain pipes.
Yet I still can not find the location of entry for these pests.
Then it comes to me, just how often before I really turned my life over the spirit, did I come so close to getting in.
Yet for one thing or another I was caught up in this world. And I too crushed the opportunity of the many blessings I now live, breath and enjoy daily.
My mind then goes wandering to prayers of thanks for our God never gave up on me.
Along with the repeated prayers that my children and grandchildren will be allowed the blessings, the courage and life to know the truth.
That they will continue to use the freedom of choice we all are blessed with.
Picking up and reading the Basic Instructions Before Life Ends the Bible!
Grant it I don't read it still today as often as I should. Just as I find my learning of what most of it means allot easier in a class where many others as myself share the learning, and questions of what is sometimes not so easy to swallow.
And for me that is okay! Because the life's blessings that have come my way alone, just from believing. Are truely amazing.
So here I sit, wondering why I am a morning person.
If I have lost my mind over time getting up searching to see where ants may be getting in to my home.
To then have my mind awakened with knowledge and truth; and many many thanks that our heavenly father is not a throw away father. As my own biological father was.
Or as many parents have come to be in this world.
As I pray
Dear Lord that the angels of protection; accountability; grace and love come down and walk with my children and grand child or children to come.
I pray they do not take so long to understand and openly hold on to you.
I pray Lord I continue to have the strength for all things that are to come.
Especially for withstanding when the ants come in.
When I see the critters making their way into my childrens lives and I can do nothing.
As they in the world devour the spirits, like fresh cane sugar for their little ant feast.
Lord for you have blessed me beyond all words, in this life.
I pray my family and friends never stop believing in hope with you in the future.
And if they don't understand or can not ready themselves to ask for you.
Lord may the light shine to take away their fears.
Thank you Jesus
In His Precious Name... May we the critters of this life know our place, and continue to serve the God most high!
Amen
With all that I am, All that I was always then, always now, always me Kelly
I find myself thinking.
Most times I wake and have gotten in the habit of giving thanks to our God as soon as I know I am awake.
But this morning my thoughts were in every direction
As I lay there and wonder; why I kept coming back to a task at hand.
You see Florida's weather has been colder for longer periods of time this season.
With that the wonderful critters that dwell in the earth here are looking for warmth, water or who knows what.
As you see I am not one that does bugs well at all. So I only know that over this past month, I have been seeing big red ants appear in my one bath room one - two at a time here and there.
Except for the past couple days they have been bringing their family members now 3 and for at at time.
So here I am awake trying to talk myself out of getting out of bed for once.
Yet I find myself back in the bathroom turning the bathroom light on quickly to see what is in there and where might these unwelcomed guests be coming from.
God's creatures as like all creepy crawly things including us.
I managed to find 5 this time, and found myself climbing to reach the ceiling to kill each and everyone.
Again cleaning down the bathroom and spraying cleaners down the drain pipes.
Yet I still can not find the location of entry for these pests.
Then it comes to me, just how often before I really turned my life over the spirit, did I come so close to getting in.
Yet for one thing or another I was caught up in this world. And I too crushed the opportunity of the many blessings I now live, breath and enjoy daily.
My mind then goes wandering to prayers of thanks for our God never gave up on me.
Along with the repeated prayers that my children and grandchildren will be allowed the blessings, the courage and life to know the truth.
That they will continue to use the freedom of choice we all are blessed with.
Picking up and reading the Basic Instructions Before Life Ends the Bible!
Grant it I don't read it still today as often as I should. Just as I find my learning of what most of it means allot easier in a class where many others as myself share the learning, and questions of what is sometimes not so easy to swallow.
And for me that is okay! Because the life's blessings that have come my way alone, just from believing. Are truely amazing.
So here I sit, wondering why I am a morning person.
If I have lost my mind over time getting up searching to see where ants may be getting in to my home.
To then have my mind awakened with knowledge and truth; and many many thanks that our heavenly father is not a throw away father. As my own biological father was.
Or as many parents have come to be in this world.
As I pray
Dear Lord that the angels of protection; accountability; grace and love come down and walk with my children and grand child or children to come.
I pray they do not take so long to understand and openly hold on to you.
I pray Lord I continue to have the strength for all things that are to come.
Especially for withstanding when the ants come in.
When I see the critters making their way into my childrens lives and I can do nothing.
As they in the world devour the spirits, like fresh cane sugar for their little ant feast.
Lord for you have blessed me beyond all words, in this life.
I pray my family and friends never stop believing in hope with you in the future.
And if they don't understand or can not ready themselves to ask for you.
Lord may the light shine to take away their fears.
Thank you Jesus
In His Precious Name... May we the critters of this life know our place, and continue to serve the God most high!
Amen
With all that I am, All that I was always then, always now, always me Kelly
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